A Bit of Imperative
by Fizzy 13
Summary: WARNING: CRACKFIC. Pre-Series. When a mysterious new enemy steals Kyoko's latest grief seed, she must embark on a quest to get it back... and beat up anybody who gets in the way. Will she get her grief seed back? Will she discover some great new food? And just WHAT is the Imperative?
1. PROLOGUE: YOU STOLE MY WITCH!

AN: Another pre-series thinger. Seems to be the only safe place to write stories until I've seen Rebellion, which I have not yet. I'm a daft moron waiting for it to be released in American first (=GASP!=) because I've grown too lazy to read subs over the years. Sue me. Spoilers is… not something I'd say is on hold. I just got writer's block and I need to get away from it for a bit. This is my solution. No, I haven't read Oriko yet either. Okay, so maybe this era isn't the safest place to write in, but I don't care anymore. Read and review!

Disclaimer: Dear Coobie, please do not sue my ass off. I do not own Meduka Meguca and I never will. I could own a copy of the DVD's, but obviously, that's not the same as owning the intellectual property of the thing. One day, I will have to come up with something just as awesome. Because you have inspired me, you nasty little cabbit. You've inspired me.

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**A BIT OF IMPERATIVE**

**A MEDUKA FIC**

**BY FIZZY 13**

**PROLOGUE: YOU STOLE MY WITCH!**

One, two, three.

Yes, three. This was the third witch this week. Kyoko Sakura smirked to herself as she twirled in the air, amidst a backdrop of psychedelic images, sounds, and colours. One sweep from her spear, and the familiars screaming toward her were destroyed.

Though to most, they would have looked like some kind of badly animated mushroom with exaggerated smiling features, she couldn't care what they looked like anymore, really. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. To this professional, it was all in a day's work, with an excellent reward waiting in the end.

"What, is that all ya got, punk?" The crimson magical girl shouted at the witch sitting at the centre of the lair. Kyoko never could tell whether her taunts actually had any effect. Sometimes they seemed to work and the witch would get aggravated. Other times, they wouldn't even seem to notice what she just said.

She wasn't particularly the deeply thinking type – not that she didn't think, of course – but there was this little idea in the back of her mind that maybe, just maybe, it depended on their personality. Even animals had different personalities, so why not witches? Maybe it was expressed by their lair, all that magical despair, used in what? Decorations, of course!

Kyoko snorted and shooed the thought away as she leapt up onto a twisted fairy tale tree and dispatched the angry looking birds that were perched on its branches. It was a cute and entertaining idea, and it was certainly something she could mull over afterwards, but it wasn't going to get her a grief seed, and now wasn't the time to humanize something she needed to kill.

Not that having a personality made it any more human-like, of course. This was the equivalent of thinking about the personality of an angry bear that was chasing after you. A pointless exercise. Hell, it even sounded like something best discussed over tea and cakes.

Ah, yes. Dumb that blonde might have been, but she definitely made the best cakes. She'd have to at least approach her again. If not to kiss and make up – she snorted at the thought – then at least to get the recipe of that decadent tiramisu. Kyoko continued to systematically close in on the witch, slashing, stabbing, and generally killing whatever happened to get in the way.

There was really nothing special about that witch. It was just a witch like any other, and at the end of the day, regardless of whatever its hypothetical personality was, it was going to end up as nothing more than fuel for Kyoko's soul gem, just another drop of oil onto the clockwork that kept her going. Why exactly did she keep on going? It was hard to say at this point.

Maybe she wanted to prove a point to her long gone father. Maybe she didn't want to end up doing what he did to the family. Or maybe, just maybe, she just wanted to keep living for its own sake. Ideals could come and go, but if the textbooks were to be taken seriously, then the only absolute idea in this life was the survival of the fittest.

In which case one might say that if Kyoko continued to survive, then she was fit to do so, and therefore she had earned the right to continue doing so. It was a simple philosophy, but if it kept her asleep at night, why not? It was certainly a lot better than endlessly tossing and turning in bed, haunted by the question of why. Why did she survive? Why did her dad flip out when he discovered the truth about her? And a host of other pointless questions.

Better to throw away everything else, and keep the principles simple. Even that dumb blonde adhered to it in a way. Right and wrong, good and evil, hope and despair, magical girls and witches. It was a naïve black and white principle, the kind you only saw on the stupid magical girl anime of yesteryear.

And maybe that was the point. Whether following the pitiless indifference of Darwin or the moronic self-sacrifice of Eins Justica, they were simple ideas that even idiots could comprehend. And a lot of magical girls were idiots.

Kyoko found a perfect vantage point, right above that witch's eye – well, the biggest one, at any rate. There might have been a ton of them all over its doll-like form, but the one peeking out from under its skirt was probably the most important, on the simple virtue that it was the biggest.

Casually stabbing the last familiar that stood in the way, she took her stance, poised to strike and finish this fight, one that had gone on for so long that she had already caught herself waxing philosophical about something that she had long ago settled.

"Sorry, kid. Ya been entertaining this whole time and all, but the curtain drops here!" She sprang like a panther pouncing on her prey, spear leading the flying lunge at that gigantic eye. For a brief moment, it seemed like it was over. But maybe she shouldn't have called out to it in such a fashion – amusing habit that might have been.

Because Kyoko suddenly found that same eye staring directly at her with its piercing inhuman gaze, unblinking. In less than a second, all the other eyes were doing the same. Worse, they all burst out of the witch – apparently connected to the main body by snail-like eye stalks – and rushed to crush her under their collective force.

"Crap." Kyoko stabbed the first and most eager eye, using it as a springboard to jump over and outmaneuver the rest. The eye-tipped tentacles continued to swarm in an intricate weave, attempting to close her off. But Kyoko had fought too many witches already. This was nothing new.

A quick slash decapitated half of them, just enough to let her squeeze out through the opening and make another lunge for the main eye. She was unstoppable. No eyes, no tentacles, no crazy smurfed up mushroom familiars were going to keep her from her target.

With a final cry of excitement, she made her move. Stepping over the last tentac-eye, Kyoko jumped the tiny gap that remained between her and the main eye, spear outstretched and ready to thrust into that gelatinous witchy blob. That grief seed was as good as hers.

And then, the chain struck.

One moment she was about to stab that witch in its biggest eye. The next, she was suspended in midair by a thick silver chain. "The hell?" What was this? Kyoko glared at the witch, struggling in her new binds. "So ya still had a trump card! Whoda thought? Well this ain't gonna hold me for long!"

"No, but it will hold you for long enough."

Her head snapped in the direction of the unfamiliar voice. Now had it come from the direction of the witch, Kyoko would have possibly entertained the idea that witches could talk. Maybe. But since it clearly came from behind her, then that obviously wasn't the case.

Out from the shadow of one of the silly giant smurfy mushroom houses walked a girl in sunglasses and a black trench coat. "Heh. Nice costume. What, did Kyubey run out of ideas and turn you into a Matrix reject?"

The girl ignored the quip and stopped a good distance from Kyoko, looking up at the red lancer. "We'll be taking this witch."

Kyoko sneered. "Like hell ya will. I found it first, and I sure as hell won't let some upstart Matrix reject take my hard-earned grief seed!"

The girl reached into one of her coat pockets and retrieved a grief seed, casually tossing it at the space under Kyoko. "It's fresh. No different than if you killed this one."

"Of course there's a difference! I earned this one!" The tentac-eyes chose that moment to attack, understandably prioritizing their original antagonist. Kyoko could, in her bindings, only glare at the approaching doom. "Yeah, thanks for nothing, Matrix."

After all, that allegedly fresh grief seed wasn't going to be doing her any good if she was dead, and of course the fact that she preferred to get the seed she worked for, rather than some easily thrown give-away. In response, the girl – now officially called "Matrix" in Kyoko's book – snapped her fingers and the mass of tentac-eyes vanished in a barrage of fiery explosions.

It wasn't over yet, though. Another wave of doom shrooms had spawned and was heading in their direction. Another snap. "Take them. The witch is mine."

"No, _you_ take them! The witch is _mine_!" Kyoko continued to wiggle, trying to break free from the blasted silver chain. "Hey! You expect me to fight them while tied up, or what? Hey!"

"Matrix" simply ignored her like she didn't exist, or at least didn't care that she was still tied up and unable to follow her instructions. Instead, she calmly strode up to the witch. What was her deal, anyway? The first gunshots answered Kyoko's question.

Turning to face the fire, she realized that she wasn't even the one being told to take the familiars. About a dozen military-looking types in black armor had somehow stormed onto the scene and were dishing out the pain, gunning down the angry mushrooms like they would any other Viet Cong or Terrorist that happened to be on the business end of their weapons, completely unfazed by the brain-screwy scenery of the lair. Who were these guys?

And "Matrix"? Was now looking up at the witch, muttering something briefly before snapping her fingers. More explosions struck the creature, destroying most of its eyes and leaving it barely alive. With another snap, it was the witch's turn to be assailed by lengths as over a dozen chains strangled it at many key points, including the giant main eye.

It almost looked pitiful as it struggled against its new binds in vain, not unlike the red lancer who hung suspended by a single silver thread… or well, chain. With one last groan, the witch finally collapsed into a heap, still bound by chains as it abruptly disappeared.

Not in the typical way that would spawn a grief seed, though. No, the witch disappeared entirely, along with the chains that bound it. At around this same time, the CoD goons finished up with the familiars, disappearing back into the shadows from whence they came, doing so in a "tactical-looking" way.

"Matrix" began to stroll away from the scene as well, her task apparently accomplished.

"Hey! We're not finished here!"

"We are." "Matrix" continued to walk.

"Hell no! Write this down, "Matrix"! You stole my witch! Your ass is mine!"

The girl stopped in her tracks, as if finally challenged, turning around in a single fluid step to face the chained up red lancer. "You don't know who you're messing with."

"I don't need to know who I'm messing with, because they'll be dead when I'm through with them!" Kyoko's voice reeked of defiant vengeance. Nobody casually ties her up then steals her witch and gets away with it. So what if she got a free grief seed? It was nothing but alms, considering the circumstances in which it was given, nothing that would make up for the frustration of having her prey stolen from underneath her feet.

"We are the Imperative. We will not be stopped. Especially not by someone like you." With that, the girl faced about, dark ponytail flowing behind her as she walked away.

The chain keeping Kyoko in check finally disappeared, and she landed feet first, ready to run. The only thing stopping her from doing so was the fact that the target she had meant to chase had simply vanished, apparently in the brief moment she fell, considering that was the only time her eyes were not on the girl. A low growl escaped her gritted teeth as she grudgingly picked up the grief seed and cleansed her soul gem.

Regardless of what that pompous Marix reject said, they were far from finished. She was going on a different kind of hunt now. It didn't matter who they were, how many, or how puffed up. She was going to get them back for stealing her kill. But for any hunt, a good hunter would first consult the experts on the local wildlife.

The crimson warrior stepped out of the lair and out into the park, coming face to face with that very expert, who was apparently conveniently just waiting for her, enjoying his spare time by licking his paws…

"Kyubey," procuring an apple to munch, she reclined against the railing, "We need to talk."

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AN: Teaser, more than anything else. As you can tell, the mood is… not entirely too serious. So don't take it too seriously.

So who are the Imperative? What happened to the witch? What's with all the BDSM? Find out next time! Maybe. Just read and review. Guesses that might potentially spoil the story can be PMed to me instead.


	2. I DON'T NEED HER HELP!

**AN:** Have not yet read Oriko. Probably too lazy to. Oh well. Reviews very much appreciated! I want to know whether my writing/characterization is horribly wooden, and what might be done to improve it.

That said, I'm looking for a beta reader. If anybody's offering, please PM me. I _really_ want to have my stuff properly beta'd before putting them up.

John: Thanks.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Meduka Meguca. Coobie owns it or something.

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**I. I DON'T NEED HER HELP!**

It wasn't the first time Kyoko had gone after another magical girl who was encroaching on her turf. That happened once before, and it ended rather painfully for the one she was chasing. Good riddance to bad rubbish, one could say.

"Her power includes making chains and explosions appear from nowhere, you say…" Kyubey scratched an ear. "Fascinating."

"Why're ya so _fascinated_? Ain'tcha the only one making contracts around here? Shouldn't you know who she is?" Kyoko raised an eyebrow. Kyubey had of course given her the low-down on another girl she'd hunted down once. If he didn't know who Matrix was, then who could?

"That's what makes her so fascinating." He tilted his head, apparently in a calculated attempt to look cute. Kyoko stopped buying that act ages ago. "She is something of an anomaly. I'll have to look more deeply into this matter before I can come up with anything conclusive, but if she's taking witches alive, that poses a serious problem."

"Damn right it does," Kyoko finished the apple and threw the core down the garbage chute. "Means I don't get my grief seeds."

"And of course the inherent problem with witches being left unaccounted for. She doesn't know what she's getting into." Kyubey climbed the rail. "We have to make it a priority to stop this."

"Yeah, of course we do." The red lancer's frown deepened. It was clear by this point that they had arrived at the same conclusion, from completely different starting points. "So is there _anything_ you can do to help out? If not tell me who she is, maybe give me some other clue?"

"If you know anything else about her, I might be able to use it in my investigation."

"What, aside from dressing up like a Matrix reject, making chains and explosions appear from nowhere, summoning CoD goons to deal with the smallfry, and calling herself the Imperative?" Kyoko sighed. "That's everything, really."

"I don't believe you've told me about the latter two." While he kept up his poker face, there was some surprise in his voice. "Tell me more."

"She called up a bunch of gun-toting mooks to deal with the smallfry so she could take the witch herself, and they actually didn't lose anyone. Then, before she left she said 'we are the Imperative'. Woooo~," Kyoko wiggled her fingers, as if sarcastically trying to invoke an air of mystery, whipping out a pre-opened box of Pocky.

"I see. That's a bit more to go on, though I admit I have no idea what this 'Imperative' is. At the moment, the best I can do to assist you is help you get back in touch with Mami."

The red lancer stopped just short of taking the first bite of Pocky at the mention of the name. "She's got nothing to do with this."

"Perhaps, but if you will be facing an organization capable of deploying proficient human troops into a witch lair without suffering casualties, then you will need all the help you can get." There was something about that typical matter-of-factly tone that was starting to grate on her, though she couldn't exactly say what. Perhaps it was the condescension she was reading into his voice.

"I don't _need_ her help." Or at least one could conclude that was what she was saying. It was hard to tell, given she was holding some Pocky in her mouth in a very peculiar fashion, one that made it difficult to speak.

The little white rabbit-cat-thing sighed in resignation. "I understand. I won't force you-"

"Ya couldn't even if you tried."

"Yes. Just as with the case of the wish and the contract, getting Mami's assistance is only an option I am presenting you with, not… well… an imperative."

"Oh, ha, ha, ha," she rolled her eyes at the apparent pun. "Was that you trying to crack a joke?"

"Not really. I have no reason to engage in humour, as where I come from, emotions are considered a mental illness."

"Uh-huh." Kyoko wasn't really all too interested in what he had to say about such things. What she was after was nothing less than useful, practical assistance.

Kyubey produced a white card showing Mami's current contact details and whereabouts, sliding it over the rail and onto the red lancer's hand. "Here you go. If ever you decide to pursue that option. Unfortunately, this is really all I can do to help you. None of the magical girls in the neighbouring cities would even want to be in a close proximity to you, let alone lend a hand. You have quite the reputation, after all."

"Wouldn't have it any other way." Kyoko pocketed the card and took another bite of Pocky. "So if that really is all we've got, then I guess we're done here." She straightened back up and turned to leave.

"There is one more thing, actually…"

"Yeah?" She turned her head, tilting it back to get a good view of the little cat.

Kyubey tilted his head to the side. "What is 'CoD'?"

"Gee, I dunno," Kyoko scratched the back of her head, rolling her eyes as she clearly wanted out as soon as possible. Every second wasted was a second that crazy Matrix reject was out on the loose stealing grief seeds. "Why don'tcha go Google it or something? You know what Google is, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then we're done here!" Casually tossing up a hand as if to bid goodbye, the red lancer turned about and walked off. Where to, exactly? To find some other leads, maybe hunt down some other girls and ask them if they've seen or even heard any rumours about this 'Imperative', whatever it was supposed to be.

But the last thing on her mind was going to the address on that card, or even calling the number, because the last thing she wanted was help from that dumb blonde.

These were times of plenty, compared to others. Lots of witches to go around, not too much competition to steal your kills. The way she'd seen the world work, and it didn't just apply to witch hunting, everything seemed to operate in cycles.

Witch numbers would swell, and contracts would be made. The number of magical girls eventually evens up to the number of witches, and they hunt them to near extinction. Witch numbers would then go up, with a lot of the girls not being heard from again – probably because they got too cocky and died in some lairs somewhere; that was the problem with all these rookies…

Few magical girls last for long, maybe a few months on average, with only the truly elite successfully carving out territory of their own, setting themselves apart from the pack of newbies and coming out on top.

Those who did so learned how to survive. Like any other hunter, they learned the best hunting grounds, the best times to go hunting, the best strategies to use against the prey, and how to beat the competition, in order to stay fat and happy despite there being times of little.

Ironically, these being times of plenty meant that Kyoko would be hard pressed to find any leads to talk to. Even the rookies heard rumours, and even a rumour could be helpful. Takibara would be a good place to start looking. She knew a couple of girls there who owed her favours. Afraid or not, they would have to help her out.

Kyoko came down to a certain café – had this been a noir movie, it would've been a bar, and she'd be wearing a trench coat and fedora. Because then that would make _her _the Matrix reject. It was an outdoorsy kind of place, right in the middle of the local park, typically attracting hundreds of customers a day, mostly students. What with the nice green trees and fresh air and the constant smell of ice cream, that shouldn't have been surprising.

It was a regular haunt by one of the girls who owed her; a few months back, she'd killed a witch that was too much for the local to handle, and let her keep the grief seed in exchange for a favour in the future. Not a bad deal, right?

"Well, Miyuki, it's time for me to cash in on that," the red lancer bit into her hotdog sandwich.

Miyuki was this unimposing kind of girl, with dark hair and annoyingly big goo-goo eyes that would compel people to pet her like a dog, if she didn't happen to be human. She quietly sipped from a glass of ice tea. "A… as long as it doesn't involve giving any grief seeds," her voice was barely audible, "I'm almost out."

"Nah, it won't cost ya any grief seeds," Kyoko said between bites, "But it does involve helping me track one down."

"…. eh?"

"I'm looking for someone. She stole a grief seed from me." If she'd said 'stole a witch', the poor kid might get badly confused and wouldn't be able to help her out at all. Besides, wasn't a witch just a grief seed waiting to happen anyway? "About this high, long dark ponytail, cosplays like those guys from the Matrix: trenchcoat, sunglasses, the works. Maybe you've seen her?"

The redeeming point of Miyuki having big goo-goo eyes was that they were very easy to read. And when they got bigger as she described the grief seed thief, Kyoko smirked, knowing she'd hit paydirt. "Tha… ah… umm…."

"Yeah?"

"I… I heard th… that Natsuko over in Kuroyama ran… ran into someone like that." She took a particularly loud sip, nodding to herself. "She might know something."

"Really now?"

Miyuki nodded vigorously. "Yes! Yes, I heard about it from Chie!"

Kyoko took another bite from her frank sandwich, using the time to chew to process this. It was funny how she was so unnerved by a mere rumour. Maybe she was afraid she was next on the list, or something. But it was funny how coincidence was working out quite nicely… one might even think of it as somewhat contrived.

She stood up. "How convenient. I was heading to Kuroyama next, actually." The quick relief that appeared on Miyuki's face was obvious. "Guess that saves me the trouble." The red lancer nodded as she turned around. "I guess we're even now. Though, lemme ask one last time, are you _sure_ that's all ya know?"

Miyuki nodded, albeit more slowly now.

"Good. Because I swear, if it turns out you were hiding something from me, a grief seed shortage will be the least of your worries!"

A loud gulp.

"Ya know now that I think about it," Kyoko narrowed her eyes and smirked, "It's kinda funny that you're having trouble with grief seeds, considering ya have this whole town to yourself."

Those big goo-goo eyes were now telling Kyoko that there was more to this. Even more telling, when Miyuki only smiled, closing them. "That _is_ funny, isn't it, Sakura-san? But to be completely honest, witches have been pretty scarce here as of late. That's all I know."

"Tch. Suit yourself, then." Kyoko started walking, "Don't blame me if I come back to mess ya up."

She hadn't walked ten feet when Miyuki shouted after her, "Tomoe-san is also looking into it! You could team up with her and-"

"I don't _need_ her help!" She turned her head back to the kid, a tooth-baring snarl on her face. "But thanks for the tip. You're not half bad."

And just like that, Kyoko was on the way again. Another lead, another town. This one was built on the side of a mountain with a massive coal mine, hence the name. It had already been sanitized since then, of course, the coal plants giving way to wind and solar farms that would power the town while keeping the environment happy, or whatever.

The mine was still open, though. Other places still ran on coal, and there was never a reason to not sell off tons of dead dinosaurs in exchange for money, knowing that somewhere out there, these dead dinosaurs were lighting up someone's house at night. Or something.

More strategically, lots of accidents had happened during the coal mine's extensive history, giving it a tragic backdrop that none of the locals were allowed to forget. As a result, the areas of town closest to the mine became prime witch real estate, and thus prime witch hunting ground.

Natsuko had grown up alone in this terrible excuse for a residential area, out on the streets, even. Her wish was an understandable one, to become part of a loving family. Of course as with most wishes, things never went exactly as planned, and this warm, loving, wonderful family that she had considered her own, died in an accident, ironically enough, related to an explosion in the mine. Natsuko went back to living on the streets, feeling far worse than when she had started.

"They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," the purple-haired hammer swinger took a sip from a saucer of sake. "That's bullshit."

"Uh-huh." Kyoko nodded, pretending to listen as she munched on some of the local delicacies, a piece of rock candy made to look like, well, a lump of coal. Apparently the tourism sector was trying to cash in on the town's history of being a coal mine, and so promoted things that were related to the mine. They even sold pickaxe key chains.

It had been close to an hour since they first met on this rooftop overlooking the mine, and this girl had done nothing but blabber on about her backstory, which she didn't have a chance to do the first time they met. That is to say, when Kyoko was passing through town and happened to take up Natsuko's completely arbitrary offer to go witch hunting.

They ended up having a big disagreement over how to split the grief seeds, and Kyoko eventually settled for a much smaller cut than she deserved, in exchange for a favour in the future. But apparently, Natsuko somehow mistook this as a _casual_ meeting, like they were now friends, or something. Why else would she open up so much?

"If I hadn't met them, then I wouldn't have cared if they died in a more horrible way than falling down a mineshaft with molten coal candy at the bottom! But now…"

"Yeah, I get how ya feel," Apparently Natsuko was too absorbed in her own whining – or maybe had too much sake – to notice that Kyoko wasn't even trying to sound concerned. "If I didn't make my wish, my family would still be here too."

Boo hoo. Cry me a river. She rolled her eyes as Natsuko gave her a tight hug. "I knewwww you'd undershtanndrd! Thishh whole damn magical girl thing seems like a whooole world of suffering, ehhhh?"

Now, the alcohol was starting to show. Kyoko gently pushed the other girl away, before things got out of hand. "Right, right. Anyway, I'm here for that favour ya owe me for giving you a bigger cut of the grief seeds."

"… huh?" There was a brief look of puzzlement on Natsuko's face before what Kyoko said finally got through alcohol. At which point her expression simmered down from drunken bemusement to sober poker-ness. "Oh, right. So, you want me to go hunting with you?"

"... it was never that specific, ya know." Obviously, she was still clouded by all that sake.

"… oh."

Kyoko went on to _briefly_ explain her situation, about how her grief seed had been stolen by that Matrix reject, how she was now looking for her grief seed… and some payback. And of course, that she heard that Natsuko might have seen the aforementioned grief seed thief.

"Hey, at least she only stole your grief seed," Natsuko shrugged and this time took a swig straight from the bottle. "That bitch stole my witch. Live. She's totally gonna kill it someplace quiet where nobody can snatch the grief seed from her."

"So she hit ya too, huh." Kyoko popped the lump of coal into her mouth and pushed it into a cheek. Finally, some progress! "Actually, yeah, she stole my witch live too. Just said "grief seed" in case it didn't happen that way to ya and you'd start asking questions. Anything else ya might know?"

"No, sounds almost exactly like what happened to me." The purple hammer swinger shook her head. "That witch-napping bitch is a slick operator. Used a bunch of airsoft addicts to take care of the familiars."

"Lazy is what I call it," Kyoko reclined against the rails. "Anything else you might know?"

"I wish I did, but no. Like I said, our experiences were practically carbon copied." Natsuko sipped from her saucer. "You know, that Tomoe chick was here the other day. Asked about the same stuff, except that she didn't mention anything about her witch getting stolen. Probably feeling all mother hen and wanting to help all us little magical girls, or something." As if something just dawned on her, she glanced in Kyoko's direction. "Weren't you guys tight way back when?"

"Way back when. Ain't the case now." She saw where this was heading, and didn't like it. The red lancer got off the rails and prepared to take her leave.

"Too bad," Natsuko took another swig, "She's kinda cute~"

Now that was definitely the alcohol talking. Kyoko shook her head. "Yeah, well, why don't _you_ hit on her then?"

"Pfft. Me? Hard drinking working class berk? Hit on that tea guzzling uptown hottie? Get out of here."

"Sure will, unless ya got anything else for me." Kyoko almost snickered at her own comeback.

"Actually, yeah. You really should get back with her, if only to solv-"

She threw her hands in the air. "Look, I don't know why everybody I've talked to about this says the same thing. Maybe you're all part of some kinda wacky conspiracy to get me to kiss and make up with that dumb blonde. Maybe you're not. But I'm gonna tell ya what I told them: I don't _need_ her help!"

"… you sure? Two heads are better than one."

"Not when those two heads are butting!"

"Who said anything about butts? Tomoe's appeal is obviously someplace higher than her butt." Natsuko winked as she crossed her arms over her chest, as if covering it in modesty. Too much alcohol. That was the only explanation for this awkward turn of discussion.

"Wha…" Kyoko's mouth hung agape at the direction this took, cheeks going red. "Look, that's neither here nor there. I'm talkin' about teaming up to investigate this. I mean, sure, we're both tackling it, but we're approaching it from completely different angles! Mami wants to be all Heroine of Justice™ and save the magical girls from dying because of grief seed scarcity! All I want is to get my grief seed back and to kick that stupid Matrix reject's face in!"

"But you're both tackling it." The purple hammer swinger went bottoms up, taking the last big swig from her bottle. "Quit focusing on what you disagree on, and start thinking about what you have in common: namely, that this witch-napping bitch has to be stopped. Even Eins Justica had to team up with Lord Merodach to stop a bigger threat, and last I checked, you guys weren't mortal enemies."

Kyoko rolled her eyes. "Ya know, ya probably could hook up Mami if you wanted. She watches that too."

Natsuko giggled. Clearly, she had already gone over the wall, despite dispensing some surprisingly sober advice at the time. "Really… well then, I've got better chances if you put in a good word for me, right? And you can only do that if-"

"Alright, alright! I get it. I'll team up with Mami. But only until this is over." Kyoko caught herself then. "Why the hell am I even telling this to _you_, of all people?"

The purple hammer swinger just nodded… repeatedly. "Because I'm drunk, and won't remember any of this in the morning."

"It's just past lunch time." Kyoko bit into the now shrunken lump of candy coal, crushing it between her molars.

"Exactly!" Natsuko raised up her finger before finally collapsing into a heap against the railings, clearly out.

Shaking her head, the red lancer made her way to the stairwell, and out of the building. Her next stop? The address on the card Kyubey gave. Or, to be less roundabout: Tomoe Mami.

* * *

AN: Will I be shipping anyone here? MamixKyo? MamixDrunken Extra? Maybe, maybe not. I think this is starting to veer towards some degree of crackfic-ness. Well, I _did_ say it was a parody, didn't I? And I _did_ say it wasn't going to be so serious, didn't I? So there.

There's an actual term for the "saucer" used to drink sake. For the record, it's not really a saucer, but more of a saucer-like cup. However, for various reasons, I decided to leave it as "saucer".

Next time: Kyoko eats WAFFLES. Mami finally appears (maybe). Kyubey discovers Call of Duty and brings about the end of the world by hosting a LAN party for the whole Incubator hive mind (I don't know how that will end the world, don't ask).


	3. I JUST WANTED TO TALK

AN: Stuff happens, etc etc. My very late New Year's Present to you all.

Disclaimer: Meduka Meguca is the property of Coobie. Everything here that doesn't belong to me, such as CoD, belongs to whoever rightfully owns them. That is all.

* * *

**II. I JUST WANTED TO TALK**

"Here you go," A warm smile on her face, Mami Tomoe handed a struggling cat over to an unassuming short-haired girl. It wasn't exactly a normal thing to do for a magical girl, getting cats out of trees and whatnot. That isn't to say, of course, that she wouldn't do that as a typical good person, though. In fact, she didn't even have to go out of the way to do good things, she just happened to be passing by.

Mami didn't normally frequent this part of town most of the time. Why was she in the area, then, passing by and getting cats out of trees?

"That was a close call, too."

Well, it wasn't exactly getting cats out of _trees_, either, but that was a close enough story. After all, it seemed to be the most common problem cats had, that tendency to end up getting stuck in trees.

"Too close," the girl nodded, cuddling the cat, which struggled to struggled to survive suspected suffocation. "Thank you so much!"

"Don't mention it," the golden musketeer smiled back, "Just being a decent person. Anyway, I should be going. Can you get home by yourself?"

"Yeah, my house isn't that far from here."

"Great! Hope you two get home safe, then." Mami prepared to leave, "It would be terrible if either of you got run over."

"Oh, she actually lives by herself. Wanders around town a lot," the girl set the cat down, the feline making her way into a narrow alley. A truck passed by, blaring its horns aloud, sending the little thing scrambling faster into the dark space, far from the scary noise. Not bothering to repeat what she'd just said, the girl instead continued on, "I just see her a lot is all."

"Well as long as you're careful," Already, the blonde senior was scanning the area for the reason she came to this part of town, "Prevention is better than cure, especially if the thing needing a cure is getting hit by-" Another loud truck honked by.

She wondered for a moment if someone up there had a dislike for cats. Probably not. After all, if they did, then this cat would have been hit ages ago. Never mind all the other cats that tend to get hit by oncoming vehicles.

"Anyway, take care of yourself."

With a quick wave, the golden musketeer had gone, leaving the girl to shrug and continue on her merry unassuming way. Whoever that mysterious blonde senior was - and it was a shame, she'd forgotten to ask her name - she was a very good person. The kind you'd probably want to hang out with if that was alright with her.

Now, with her little good deed for the day done with, Mami continued with her mission: investigate the rumours of a magical girl who was out stealing grief seeds. Or maybe witches, depending on who was telling the story.

She'd been to other towns already, asking the local girls about anything they could share. Much of the information was second-hand, with only a handful being first-hand. Natsuko from Kuroyama, Aya from Shibuya, and Hikari from Odaiba.

The first-hand information was consistent, at least. Live witch abductions, by a magical girl dressed up in what she could best figure out as a trench coat. This was a deduced sort of consistency, as all three of them described her as being dressed up as some character from a prominent series or film, namely "Neo", "Hei", and "Shana".

Of course, Mami had the insight to make sure to ask for a specific description, but in all cases, they just stuck to these names, and the poor senior had to google the ones she didn't particularly know. It was rather sad, that she was already trying to help them with their witch problem, but they were being rather uncooperative when they didn't really say much outside of those characters, and… well, the trench coat, when she _really_ prodded them.

Mami rounded a corner, en route to the next possible lead. So far, this one was bound to be the most reliable one on her list, mainly because, well, Chiba Mayuri was just that kind of person. Possibly one of the oldest girls Mami was familiar with, Mayuri had long retired from the game, instead keeping track of witch activity in the region and tipping other girls off, in exchange for a finder's fee: one in every ten grief seeds her clients discovered.

Her operation was, however, low key enough that she was only something of a rumour to most other magical girls, begging the question then, of how Mami knew that she was for real.

The answer was really a simple one: Mayuri had served as something of Mami's crutch in the earlier days. No, not as a mentor. Mami had never seen that senior fight. More of a charity job, who just happened to be around when Mami got caught in that accident that led to her contract.

Probably saw her as another client, a fresh client, even, considering she saw the actual contract making take place. Kyubey didn't really disagree, and confirmed that yes, Mayuri was a good resource. And so, early on, Mayuri had taught Mami the basics of witch tracking, and merely watched her do the fighting.

In a way, the Witch Spotter, as she was called, had reinforced Mami's superior solo performance, discouraging her from relying on "teammates" and other such distractions. She would never fight alongside Mami, only watch, critique, and give feedback. She would scoff at how Mami coped with this enforced isolation, mocking the names she chose for her attacks, and the silly Sailor Moon-esque speeches she would make before starting a fight.

Well, the latter, she ultimately outgrew. But "Tiro Finale" was just too awesome to abandon.

In the end, they parted on amiable terms, once Mami could clearly fend for herself. Unfortunately, her plan backfired. She trained the neophyte so well that Mami never had to rely on her for tracking witches down. They still kept in touch, interestingly enough.

Except... Someone was standing in the way when she rounded that corner, temporarily blinded by the light of the morning sun.

All she could make out was a silhouette, but that nondescript shapelessness was all she needed to see. It was extremely loose clothing...

The figure with the solar backlight behind it spoke. "Whatever you're doing, you're just wasting your time."

Mami squinted and held a hand above her eyes like a visor, as they adjusted. Sure enough, it was a trench coat. Which meant that standing before her was none other than the mysterious magical girl who was out stealing witches from hapless girls just fighting to survive. The golden musketeer smirked. "Heh. That's funny. I could've sworn my efforts have really paid off. _You're_ here, after all."

"You didn't find me. I came to you." The girl took off her sunglasses and began wiping them with some cloth. Unfortunately, with the sun shining so brightly, Mami couldn't get a good look at her eyes, or even her face, for the matter. She might as well have been talking to a shadow.

"Exactly." Mami started circling around to get a better look, hoping that this girl would at least be cooperative enough to let her see her face. By the time they'd switched positions, however, the sunglasses were back on.

'Trench', as Mami decided to call her, since she didn't seem to be so keen on introducing herself, had at most turned to a side. Talk about a lack of respect. "No. I didn't come here because your investigation was attracting my attention. What you're doing is far from unique, and you're just another in a long line of girls who're trying to find me so they can get 'their' grief seeds back."

Mami casually flipped her hair. After all, the sun was behind her now, so she didn't need to shield her eyes. "Actually, I just wanted to talk."

"... and girls who 'just want to talk'." It was difficult to tell whether she had actually originally intended to say that from the beginning, or only cropped it on after the golden musketeer had given her a reason that was opposite of her expectations.

"Is my wanting to talk still a waste of time?"

Trench's eyes narrowed. Well, at least Mami could see a hint of eye narrowing past the sunglasses' temples. And probably both eyes, even though she could only see part of one. It was a sensible deduction. "Depends on what you want to talk about."

"For starters, why are you stealing witches?"

"My 'victims' don't want for grief seeds. I give them fresh ones in exchange."

Mami sighed. That was such a childish defence. This girl was clearly missing the point of her question. It wasn't that magical girls were losing hard earned grief seeds, it was... Well... Actually, yes, it was about that. But if she was giving them fresh replacements anyway - another thing the interviewees left out; it was as if they _wanted_ her to butt heads with this girl. Was that it?

She shook her head. That was still beside the point. Okay, so they received grief seeds in compensation, but that was another bothersome concern. Few magical girls were willing to part with grief seeds, moreover fresh ones. And she couldn't simply write it off as an equivalent exchange. Why take a live witch over a grief seed?

"Fine. But that doesn't answer my question. Why are you stealing witches? Where are you taking them? If you're keeping them locked up in a barrier somewhere, I suggest you just put them down. You're playing with fire, do you realize that?" And just as importantly as her suspicious behaviour, if she was keeping live witches, this meant there was the possibility they would escape to wreak havoc again.

"Why should I tell you anything about what happens to the witches we take? I don't answer to you."

"You don't." The golden musketeer decided to play the "magical girl of justice" card. Odds are she wasn't one of those types - girls fighting for justice like Mami were a great rarity, based on the ones she knew - but who knows? Maybe this one was different. "But you do answer to the people you have to protect from witches. That's the duty we take up in exchange for our wish."

"Hmph." Trench adjusted her glasses and crossed her arms, turning to face Mami with a snappiness and precision that implied military training. "You sound just like someone I know. But I'll tell you what I told her: I protect them, but I don't answer to them."

"Then who _do_ you answer to?" Mami pressed on with the interrogation, trying to squeeze anything out of this girl. Any sort of hint, any clue, would be fine. So long as it got her a step closer to the missing witches. "Yourself?"

"We are the Imperative. _That_ is my sole authority."

Mami raised an eyebrow. Imperative? What was that? Some sort of organization? A vow of some kind? The latest internet buzzword? A brand of TV dinner pack? "Imperative?"

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear," The dark haired girl slowly, almost methodically, cracked her knuckles. Only now did Mami realize that she was wearing black gloves to go with the trench coat. Clearly, she had something of a flair for the dramatic, especially walking around town dressed like that. It seemed to be a miracle that nobody else seemed to notice her... Almost as if they were in their own little world. "So I'll say it again. I don't answer to you. I am under no obligation whatsoever to tell you anything about what I'm doing. Besides... If I did tell you, how would you react?"

"How do you think I'd react?" She just threw the question back. This little mind game was becoming rather interesting, actually. How to poke a hole in this girl's head, see how she thinks, gauge her obstinacy...

"I don't make broad assumptions, especially of people I've just met."

She really was taking the safe route, wasn't she? But there was just something bugging the gunslinger at this moment. "You could always just mysteriously disappear, you know. If you really don't want to tell me anything other than 'You're wasting your time', then why are you still here? Are you _sure_ that's all you wanted to say?"

"That's right."

"Then why did you play along for this whole time?" Mami chuckled. "Ah, I see. I'm guessing you were probably looking for an opportunity to say something cryptic but cool-sounding, like 'We are the Imperative', wooooo~~" She wiggled her fingers as if trying to invoke mystery and wild mass guessing.

Because really, throughout this whole discussion, that was about the only useful thing Trench had said; more important than knowing someone who sounded just like Mami... Probably more important, at any rate. Mami would have to look up other magical girls who sounded just like her. At least in the future, when this was solved.

Indeed, she seemed to be leading the golden musketeer to ultimately ask the question of what authority she answered to. Was this girl setting up a fake mystery of some kind? Mami thought to herself for a while... April was still a ways off, so this couldn't have been some elaborate prank... Unless of course that was a prank so elaborate that it would take a year to set it up.

But then again, who uses real live witches for pranks?

Trench only answered with a low, throaty growl that she did without showing any teeth. As well as a twitchy eyebrow that was practically screaming, in a Dirty Harry voice, "Are you making fun of me, Goldilocks?"

"Or is it that this 'Imperative' is just some ruse you're making up to confuse people who're investigating you?"

"I might lie about things," Trench raised her chin, "But I would _never_ lie about the Imperative."

"Oh really?" Mami's voice became teasing now, eyes narrowing and mouth shaping up into a sly smirk. "Then why are you being so defensive about it~?"

Just as quickly as the words left the blonde senior's mouth, Trench raised her right arm and snapped her fingers. A chain - tipped with a painful looking meat hook - shot out from a ripple behind the mystery girl, and past Mami's cheek, missing it by mere inches, before crashing into the pavement. "That was your warning shot. Stop wasting your time. If the white rat has nothing on me, what makes you think _you'll_ find anything?"

If she was shaken by that sudden move, Mami was at least very good at hiding the fact. Still keeping up that smirk, she only held up her fist in response, sticking up one finger for each point she answered. "One, his name's Kyubey. Two, I've already found something out, so the point of your question is moot. Three... You need to take a chill pill. Or maybe anger management. What if people saw that?"

"That is not my concern." The chain disappeared. "However, it seems that I really can do nothing to dissuade you from pursuing me. In that case..." Trench turned about and started walking down the alley. "Just watch yourself. What you might discover... will most likely not be to your liking."

Mami didn't follow. No, she'd stretched that girl's patience enough. Thanks to the evidence, it was clear that if she probed any more, she might have suffered the same fate as that slab of pavement. For now, this "Imperative" was enough of a clue for her. Or was it? She still didn't know if it was an organization, a vow, a search term, or some kind of food brand. For now, she'd list that down in order of likelihood: which in this case was, well, organization, vow, buzzword, and food brand.

Sighing to herself, the golden musketeer decided to continue up the road, to her latest lead's house. Although now, she wondered... What was the point of asking Mayuri for information regarding Trench, if she already got something straight from the horse's mouth? Well, you could never discount a good information source. Mayuri was always well informed about witches, so it stood to reason that she would also be well informed about, or at least have some extra knowledge on, Trench and her activities. It might not have been on the Imperative, but if she could get to know something about Trench, something more, then that was always worth the visit.

Even before she could go around the last corner to Mayuri's house, however, she spotted yet another figure looking back at her from across the street. The denim shorts and light blue jacket were a lot more familiar, however, particularly the deep red hair and the smell of pleasant confectionery. Said figure was in the process of eating a cone of Belgian waffle - though in Belgium there is no such term, and waffles are instead named by region, making this a wholly American invention - with one hand, while the other hand held a second cone. A second round? Or a peace offering?

Mami raised her hand and waved, the girl only smirked as she crossed the street, only to be interrupted by a speeding truck blaring its horn... Apparently that same truck that scared the cat earlier.

Now with that little distraction out of the way, the girl in the blue jacket resumed her crossing of the street, and handed over the untouched cone of Belgian waffle. "No, it's not for what I said last time," she muttered between mouthfuls. "It's to get you to shut up and listen while you're eating."

And how could she say no to a free waffle? Assuming a cheery disposition, Mami accepted the gift with all grace and prepared to eat, but not before saying, "It's good to see you again too, Kyoko."

Kyoko Sakura waved it off as an aside, not really something to be bothering with. After all, it wasn't like she _wanted_ to be working with this dumb blonde. No, it was more like she was forced to by either bizarre circumstances beyond her control, or, a conspiracy of people including Kyubey and at least two magical girls, who decided that it would be a great idea for them to work together. "Anyway, I'm just here cuz I heard ya been looking for a certain magical girl..."

"Word does travel around fast, it seems." Mami nodded as she started to eat the offered waffle. "Are you looking for her too?"

"You bet your ass I am!" Kyoko almost squeezed her waffle out in her visible anger. Fortunately, she remembered another important principle being that she respected food. The waffle was safe. "That Matrix reject stole my witch! And you're gonna help me find her!"

Mami only smiled in response. "I certainly appreciate your enthusiasm. Alright. Let's work together on this." She held out her hand. "Friends?"

Kyoko stared, eyes narrowed, at the proposed handshake almost as if it was some kind of alien creature to be dissected. After what seemed like maybe five minutes - seemed being the key word here. It was probably a lot shorter - she freed her according hand from the waffle and took the shake. But there was something she wanted to make clear before anything else... "Partners."

She wasn't here to kiss and make up, no matter what Natsuko would prod her to do. Besides, if she really wanted these dumb blonde Mamis, then she should come and get them herself, not expect Kyoko to do all the hard work of... Okay, putting in a good word for Natsuko wasn't _that_ hard of work, but the principle was there.

Mami nodded, possibly somewhat disappointed at the result. Nevertheless, she should have known better than to expect too much, since they hadn't made up at all since that day. "Partners, then..."

This was going to be quite a rough partnership.

* * *

[INQB Log - Terradate 11697.6]

_Simulation data has been uploaded and simulated identity, heretofore known as "Player Avatar", has been acquired. "Username" prompt has been filled, Player Avatar is heretofore known as "qbR00Lz"._

_qbR00Lz has been included in a small online hub known as a 'match'. The match will generate a pre-constructed simulated environment, heretofore known as a 'map', in which the included player avatars will interact, primarily via virtual violence. The currently selected map is named "Crackdown", which upon scanning resembles the human idea of a "drug lab". Parameter set of the 'match' is currently identified as "Team Deathmatch", in which players are divided into two factions or 'teams', and the primary objective is to virtually kill the members of the enemy team more times than they can kill your members._

_Based on an analysis of various real life parameters, cross-referenced with the program code, we have selected a class that we have deemed ideal: 'Overwatch', armed with a rapid-fire high-capacity primary weapon, and a similar rapid-fire high-capacity high-explosive secondary weapon. This will provide us with the highest degree of damage potential, and allow us to earn the best score._

_The list of player avatars in this specific match is as follows:_

_**DEVGRU**_

_whothehelldoyouthinkiam  
SayakaRoxxorz  
misterCheif  
NanoHAH!  
GroundhogGirl5.56_

_**Black Talon**_

_qbR00Lz  
Frickachu  
d00medGai  
SailorUsagi  
TummyPAWNCHer_

_Time limit is set to "None", meaning this match can theoretically continue indefinitely, limited only by the stamina or interest of the players._

_We will be testing this program until the match ends. More likely than not, it will last less than 12 hours, based on the IP traces of the players here._

_The match is beginning. Setting all observational parameters to monitor all activity within the present unified network field._

_Game start._

A white Overwatch trooper with red highlights spawned on the map, along with four companions. None of them really knew each other, but most understood the general rule: kill anyone who wasn't one of them, and do it as well as possible. _Frickachu_, a Sniper, tried to take the leadership role, blurting out in-game pre-recorded radio transmissions to the rest of his team mates.

Why he did this instead of just using his mic to put things into his own words, nobody really knew why. Most acknowledged this leadership role, except for the Recon _d00medGai,_ who simply remained quiet and went to do his own thing.

_qbR00Lz_ was rather straightforward about his approach, and decided to tag along with _TummyPAWNCHer_, an Assault class, who was taking the shortest route in the direction of the enemy spawn point. This player was certainly single-minded about how to approach the match. Unfortunately, it seemed that _SailorUsagi_ had no idea what he was doing, or even how to play the game, as for some reason, once people started moving, he actually backpedalled into a wall... and kept doing so.

Well that wasn't too important, _qbR00Lz_ figured. After all, he and _TummyPAWNCHer_ had just taken out _SayakaRoxxorz_, _qb_ having flanked him with the grenade launcher and _TummyPAWNCHer_ taking the kill with the assault rifle. This victory was short-lived, however, as _qbR00Lz_ soon saw his team mate explode into a gory mess thanks to _NanoHAH!'s _rocket launcher. Over the open channel, a high-pitched shriek of satisfaction drowned all other chatter as the voice of a young girl screamed, "HAH! Punch THAT!" So even little girls played this game. That was very interesting.

Considering the best course of action, the white Overwatch trooper decided to beat a tactical retreat to base, where, inexplicably enough, _SailorUsagi_ was _still_ backpedalling into a wall. Before he could offer advice, however, _qb's_ screen turned red and he soon received the message that he had been killed, thanks to _GroundhogGirl5.56's_ light machinegun. Two seconds later, _SailorUsagi_ also died.

"Hmmm..." _qb_ thought quietly to himself. It seemed the skills of the players, and the odds of winning in this match were heavily lopsided in the opposing team's direction, as his team included some computer illiterate moron who didn't even know how to move forward. _Frickachu_ at least managed to score a headshot against _misterCheif_, and _whothehelldoyouthinkiam_ was appropriately doomed by _d00medGai_, apparently because the former charged with a katana from a long range, while the latter made short work of him with an assault rifle.

His respawn timer expiring, _qb_ appeared once again in their base and prepared to move out... except he couldn't, as _GroundhogGirl_ killed him once more. Apparently, she was camping behind some crates at the back of the Black Talon base. How troublesome.

To say the least, however, this match was shaping up to be... rather interesting. Yes, he would be playing this game for a while. There was no doubt about that. This match... was just the beginning.

* * *

AN: Okay, I'll admit that I only spent an hour researching CoD and watching a couple of gameplay videos. Which is why I kept which specific CoD it was vague, and maybe added some weird features that weren't _exactly_ CoD. And yes, technically, the only thing Kyoko actually _does_ in this chapter is eat waffles, but I _did_ deliver on the waffles, right? And Mami finally shows up, so all's good. Technically this chapter was more about Mami, in a way.

So! Up next! Kyoko and Mami consumate their partnership with more waffles! Coobie continues his plot to doom the world by the power of CoD! Matrix trolls more megucas! Will we find out just WHAT the Imperative is? Ehhhh, probably not just yet. But keep reading, and we will! Eventually!

Just remember to read and review!


	4. THAT SOUNDS STRANGELY OFFENSIVE

**AN**: So I decided, before writing this chapter, that I'd have a go at _Different Story_, since UnreactiveDynamite mentioned it, and because it's much better to research with actual source material rather than relying on a wiki. Got a lot more insight from it into their character, which is always a plus. No offense to PMMMWiki, of course. You're always a great source. I'm also about to watch American Revolution... err... _Rebellion_, maybe within a week or two, but that's more related to my other story than this one.

**Disclaimer:** Coobie owns Meduka Meguca. Umm... Yeah I've run out of witty things to put in here.

* * *

**III. THAT SOUNDS STRANGELY OFFENSIVE**

"You should stop doing that."

"Huh?" Mami stared confused at the two sisters, who held hands in preparation to dispel their transformation, even as they turned down the grief seed she offered to share with them for their contribution to the battle. This was silly. Who wouldn't accept a grief seed anyway? Especially if they also chipped in, even if they did bug out near the end.

"You got that through your own hard work," the brunette elder sister said, "So you don't need to share it with anybody."

"She's right!" added the dark haired younger sister, her voice filled with conviction. "You risked your butt to get it, so it's your very own Precious!"

"... Precious... You mean..."

"Yeah, like the Ring!" The younger sister spun around as she returned to her dark school uniform. "Every grief seed is a Precious, and every other magical girl is a potential rival when it comes to fighting over them!"

"Umm..."

"If you keep being nice to other girls like that," the elder sister followed suit and in the blink of an eye, was wearing her white school uniform. As if they suffered from some lack of creativity, the two sisters' costumes seemed to look nearly identical to their school uniforms. So clearly, they didn't wish for a sense of fashion. She continued. "Sooner or later, someone's going to take advantage of your kindness and BANG you when you least expect it!" She winked while making a shooting gesture with her hand.

"Nee-san!" squealed the younger, "Please behave!"

The older sister only giggled. "Alright, alright." With a simple signal, the two began to run off into the night, but not before dispensing some final advice. "Remember to be more selfish next time, rookie! In our world, greed is good!"

"And be sure to protect your Precious!"

Just like that, the two girls had disappeared into the darkness, leaving behind a Mami who was even more confused than when the discussion first started.

"Take their advice ta 'eart, luv," a voice behind her spoke, vapoury, almost inaudible. "Because tha's 'ow the world works."

Mami shook her head as she continued uphill. Already, this place was starting to bring back memories, including that of her earlier days... It took her a few seconds to realize just what it was that snapped her out of her reverie.

"And that's why I decided to call her Matrix, because she's an obvious Matrix reject." Kyoko munched on some Pocky as they carried on their trek.

It didn't take long for Mami to realize as well, why she had gone into reminiscing her early days in the first place. No, not because she was in old hunting grounds that she didn't frequent that much anymore. Rather, it was because Kyoko wouldn't stop talking about her obsession with giving the mysterious witch-napper a nickname.

However, since she clearly wasn't going to stop until her input was acknowledged, the golden musketeer found it apt to just respond. After all, she too already had her own ideas of what the witch-napper should be called. "The Matrix isn't the first movie to involve heroes in Trench coats." Just like old times.

They didn't exactly argue back in the old days. No, it was more like friendly, joking banter to kill the time when they were waiting for the pie to finish baking and didn't have any strategizing to do. "From my investigation, only one out of three described her as Matrix-like, specifically like Neo. The other two characters she was likened to were from anime. We should call her Trench."

Kyoko almost spit out her Pocky in reaction. "Pfft. Trench? Because she's got a Trench coat? Lame." She waved a hand dismissively. "Matrix sounds more accurate. I mean, she's even got the sunglasses and the stoic badassitude!"

"That comes with the territory of wearing a Trench coat." If Mami had a hundred yen for every stoic protagonist she'd seen in a dark trench coat and sunglasses, she would probably be rich by now. "The Matrix doesn't hold a monopoly on stoic trench coated sunglasses-wearing heroes."

The argument fell on deaf ears as the red lancer ignored what she said and continued with her own point. "Besides, ya want people to mistake her for Arnold?"

First, there was silence. This went on for maybe four seconds, before Mami finally remembered that she still had half a Belgian waffle from earlier. But that wasn't really important at the moment compared to the bomb that had just been dropped on her. "... What?" What did this have to do with Arnold, again?

Exasperated, either at the stereotypical dumb blonde moment, or the fact that her new old partner had not yet finished her Belgian waffle, Kyoko sighed and began to explain what was perhaps the main thrust of her opposition to using "Trench" as a nickname for the witch-napper. That is to say, a reason aside from the fact that to Kyoko, "Matrix" sounded a million times better. "Arnold's character in the _Expendables _is called Trench. What kind of mental image do ya wanna to give people we talk to? A hulking muscle-bound cigar-chewing one-liner-spewing Austrian-sounding magical girl?"

Mami went quiet again. To Kyoko, she appeared to be thinking extremely deeply, grasping at straws to come up with a counter-argument, even going so far to subconsciously nibble at the Belgian waffle.

She would never admit what was on her mind at that moment, but suffice it to say, Mami was trying her best to create the mental image of a hulking muscle-bound cigar-chewing one-liner-spewing Austrian-sounding magical girl, and then combine it with the girl she had spoken to earlier. She was finding it extremely difficult to do so. Finally, perhaps after half a minute of failing to combine the two mental images, the golden musketeer remembered an important counter-point, and spoke. "Well, Matrix isn't any better."

Not understanding this rebuttal at all, since she didn't recall Arnold having any role where he was called "Matrix", Kyoko shook her head and faced the response head on: "Sure it is. It's not an Arnold character."

It was Mami's turn to sigh, rubbing her forehead as if her former apprentice's recklessness was giving her a migraine. "Actually, yes, yes it is. Arnold's character from _Commando_ is named John Matrix."

"... _Commando_...? When was that?"

"From the Mid-80's," Mami answered matter-of-factly.

The red lancer nodded, finally understanding why she had no idea what her former mentor was yakking on about. Still, it didn't help her come up with any better counter-arguments, as demonstrated by the initial hesitation in her response. "Yeah, well... Well the only people who probably know about _Commando _are uhh... Old 80's movie buffs and... and... and you, obviously!"

Noting that what had just been said was nothing more than hot air pretending to be a rebuttal, Mami brushed it aside. "In any case, she's clearly more like Trench than some Matrix character."

This was probably the point where it went from a pseudo-intelligent debate into... some kind of bizarre mockery of thoughtful discussion. Kyoko's childish response was only the first part of it. "No, she's more like a Matrix character than Arnold! She's all stoical and indifferent and doesn't spout dumb one-liners!"

Mami's counter-example was just as inane. "Well... Does she slow down time while dodging bullets?"

In a hospital not too far away, a girl with dark pigtails, thick red glasses, and a severe heart condition, sneezed.

"Eh? And how am I supposed to know if she can slow down time, huh? While dodging bullets, even?" As Kyoko began to recount her experience against the witch-napper, the pigtailed girl sneezed again, this time loudly enough that for a split second, her heart monitor panicked as it skipped a beat.

"I haven't seen her have to dodge bullets. And even if I see it happen, how am I supposed to know she's slowing down time?" For the third instance, the girl sneezed. This time, it was strong enough that her heart skipped three beats. Nurses and a doctor rushed into her room in short order, to find out the cause of what was happening to her. Certainly, it wasn't because a pair of magical girls a short walk away from the hospital were talking about a hypothetical magical girl who was into manipulating time. "What's that supposed to look like?"

"Hmm..." Mami paused to consider the question, quietly nibbling on that Belgian waffle. "From our perspective, it will have to look like she's moving really fast."

The red lancer shook her head and took in another Pocky. "Well I haven't seen her do any of that. Hell, she just pulled a disappearing act on me." A quick beat, as something dawned on her just then. "Heyyyy... you think maybe that's how she disappeared? By slowing time then running away?"

Just when they thought they had stabilized her, the girl sneezed again. It didn't seem so bad at first, since the heart monitor didn't hiccup, but it was better to be safe than sorry. The staff remained on alert.

Mami quickly dismissed the notion. "No, that would just look like she's running really fast. So obviously she wasn't slowing down time."

The pigtailed girl sneezed the biggest sneeze in perhaps her entire life, and then went into cardiac arrest. Fortunately, the hospital staffers were still present to watch and resuscitate her. No, that girl was far from her time.

"She's more like those slasher film killers who magically appear or disappear when you're not looking at them," concluded the golden musketeer.

Truly grasping at straws by this point, Kyoko put forth a last ditch attempt to get her way. "W... Well she still has the broodiness. Still Matrix."

Mami only shook her head at that. Broodiness. Really. And then, suddenly, and certainly not for reasons related to a hospital not far away, it hit her. Like a ton of bricks. "Maytrench."

"Eh?"

"Since we'll confuse her with Arnold either way, and since knowing you, we'll keep arguing until sundown, I say we compromise and just put the two together. Maytrench. Neither Matrix, nor Trench, but still both."

Kyoko's massive facepalming spoke louder than her words. "That is the DUMBEST sounding nickname I've ever heard."

Mami could only smirk. "Got any better ideas?"

"Well-"

And preemptively, the golden musketeer followed on. "Other than "we'll stick to Matrix"."

"I wasn-"

"You were totally going to say that."

Kyoko raised her hands, admitting defeat. "Fine. Maytrench."

Mami nodded in acknowledgement, finishing her Belgian waffle. "See? Was that so hard?"

The red lancer could only snort as her former mentor was clearly teasing her. "You win again, huh?"

"Yep."

"So... Where's this 'reliable source' you're talking about, huh?"

"Well... You'll find out soon enough." Before Kyoko could ask any further, Mami stopped in front of an ancient three-story Victorian-style house. The lot itself was fairly large, with an overgrown garden sitting between the fence and the house, the rusted iron gate flanked by heavily worn stone pillars supporting tarnished steel lamps. The paint had long peeled off, leaving behind a dreary brown appearance and some barely noticeable white flecks underneath a dark grey tile steeple roof, some of which were missing.

To most normal people, this was the most likely place to find a witch.

But to Mami Tomoe? This was a different entity's lair. It was the lair of the Witch Spotter.

Kyoko raised an eyebrow. "It's kinda missing the lightning and howling wolves, don'tcha think?"

Mami said nothing and pushed the gate open before starting down the cobblestone path leading to the front porch. At her invitation, the red lancer followed suit. If one paid close enough attention to the golden musketeer, one would notice that she appeared to be a lot tenser than normal, and were she face to face with Kyoko, rather than in front, the latter would notice the little beads of sweat that were beginning to form on her forehead.

For all intents and purposes, this place really gave off the vibes of those old classical horror movies, trapped in a perpetual state of Halloween orange near-twilight, despite the vibrant spring green foliage and blue morning just over the fence in the lot next door. When Mami finally reached the end of the needlessly twisty and turny path and knocked on the front door, the lancer of Kasamino half expected an old, corpse-like butler to answer the door.

Instead, as the old wooden entrance creaked open, a familiar voice greeted the two.

"Ah, Mami! I see you and Kyoko are finally here." It was none other than a certain little white rabbit. Or... Cat with rabbit-like ears. Or... Well... It was a little white something that neither of the two particularly cared trying to classify anymore.

"Okay, what the hell are you doing here?" Kyoko was the first to speak. "Other than ruining the creepy atmosphere, anyway..." she muttered under her breath.

"After concluding my productive first investigation of CoD," said Kyubey, "I thought of another lead that might help us with the case of this mysterious witch thief."

"What a coincidence," Mami nodded, wiping her forehead, and visibly more relaxed with Kyubey present. The relief didn't last long. "We're actually here for the same- wait, did you just say CoD?"

Kyoko opened her mouth, but no words came out at first. Did the rat seriously do what she thought he did? "What do you mean "first investigation"? You gonna play it again?"

"... you _played_ CoD?" The golden musketeer's mouth was agape. "I don't... I mean... This just..." This went on for a few more iterations before her brain finally settled on what was deemed a proper choice of words, "What."

"It might seem like play to you, but it is in fact a thorough scientific investigation of the social and technical aspects of this software. As such, yes, I will be 'playing' it again later."

Mami repeated that immortal expression of utter confusion. "What."

Nudging her bewildered senior aside, Kyoko casually stepped into the creepy old house, not particularly careful to avoid stepping on Kyubey, but still somehow managing to do so despite her lack of effort. The floorboards creaked beneath her shoes. Stopping at the foot of the grand staircase, she cupped her hands around her mouth and called out. "Hello! Anybody home?"

This irreverence was apparently enough to snap Mami out of her temporary catatonia over Kyubey and CoD, and the golden musketeer frantically rushed behind her junior, covering her mouth with most haste. "What are you doing?!" she whispered sharply.

"Mrfmrmfhmm...?"

"Oops... Sorry." Mami immediately removed her hand. "You were saying...?"

"I said, why so chicken? You're like the traumatized student who doesn't wanna get the scary headmaster's attention or something." Kyoko gently wrestled herself free from the uncomfortable embrace from behind. "I mean it's not like she's scarier than a witch or anything, right?"

Mami said nothing in response. She only held on tight to the back of Kyoko's jacket. The fear in her eyes, however, was plain as day.

"... right...?" Kyoko tried once again to coax an affirmative answer.

Nothing.

Somewhere on the second floor, a door creaked open.

Heavy footsteps thumped out of a room, in a slow, meticulous rhythm. Concealed by the dim lighting and the height of the wooden balustrade of the second floor balcony, the only visible part of the source of these sounds was the giant blonde cowlick that protruded above the railing.

This ahoge traversed the second floor at a pace matching with the ominous marching, to the point that even Kyoko, experienced as she was in the ways of the world, stopped and wondered if what she had done was such a good idea, perhaps even coming to the beginning of regretting her decision.

The suspense built up at a snail's pace as the ahoge floated along the rails, until finally revealing its master, as she arrived at the top of the staircase.

"An elementary school Goth Loli with twintails?" Kyoko took great pains to suppress a chuckle. How in the world did she get nervous over something like _that_? "Okay, I knew you were desperate to find company, but dammit, Mami, even I didn't expect you'd trick little girls into making contracts!"

"Who the bleedin' donald duck 're ye callin' "gof loli", ye rathead Berkshire 'unt?"

"... what?" Some of the neurons in Kyoko's brain burned themselves out trying to decipher this bizarre greeting. At the end of it all, she could only reach a simple conclusion. "I don't know what ya just said, but that sounds strangely offensive."

The blonde not-"gof loli" slowly descended the stairs until she stood in front of the two girls, barely reaching Mami's waist, and yet clearly whipping up a torrent fear in the golden musketeer. The iron lady stare that she met Kyoko's eyes with spoke volumes about her hardened nature. "Be'er ye didn't, rug rat. Be'er ye didn't."

Mami gulped, as the bizarre creature casually walked around her tense red human shield and poked the back of her knee with an ornate maple cane. She yelped.

"Oi, love, is tha' any way ta greet yer ol' teacher? I reckon some due respect is in order 'ere."

"O.. Of course." Mami curtsied. "My sincerest apologies, Mayuri-sensei. I was just..."

"Woah, woah, woah, _slow down_!" Kyoko finally broke free of the awkward stare that had imprinted on her mind. "Did you say 'old teacher'? Mami, are ya kidding me? This little shrimp is- OW!"

Mayuri Chiba pulled her cane off of the foot she had just stabbed with it. "Learn ta respect yer elders, ye bloody Darius!"

Kyoko now resembled a broken red pogo stick, hopping about without reason. Well, no reason aside from the fact that her foot was in pain, at least. "Respect is earned, not demanded, you little- OW!"

The red lancer next found herself with her cheek kissing the dusty fur carpet. How did she end up down here anyway? She looked up in time to see the cane's tip thump on the floor in front of her. As if on its signal, a blunt pain registered across her lower back.

Kyubey sighed. "Do excuse Kyoko. She apparently hasn't heard of you. I suppose it's only natural. Even the rumours about the Witch Spotter are something of a riddle within an enigma for most girls with less than three years of experience."

"Who the hell lasts for three years?" Kyoko pushed herself back up to her feet with a grunt. "Mami here has only been at it for what... two and a half? And she's the most experienced girl I know."

"Ye'd be surprised 'ow many do, rug rat." Mayuri nodded confidently to herself as she began walking to the kitchen, motioning for the two girls to follow her. "And that number ain't too 'igh."

Mami moved immediately, dragging a still somewhat-confused Kyoko with all of her strength.

"Be a Briney, love, an' make us a cuppa. It's in the usual Drum."

The Kasamino lancer half expected her senior to snap into a salute before dutifully going about to make the tea - she at least knew what 'cuppa' meant - but that didn't happen. Would've been funny, though. She did admit, however, that seeing Mami so uptight and almost panicking was very different from the relaxed, easy-going senior she'd grown to know over the months they worked together. Well, this side wasn't completely invisible. After all, she was always a stickler for notes and hard work.

Add to that the fact that Mami was quick, and despite the pressure, made the tea with seeming ease, and it wasn't hard to conclude that she was used to doing this little thing's bidding.

Mayuri motioned for the redhead to sit down with her at the round table. Kyoko almost tipped over her chair of choice as she sat; apparently one of the legs was too short. Lovely.

"So the Nun tells me ye're 'avin' a bi' of Barney with a witch Tea Leafing Monkey Wrench."

"Uhhh..."

_"Just say yes,"_ Kyubey's voice chimed in Kyoko's head. _"I can understand what she's saying."_

_"What's she saying, then?"_

_"She's asking if you're having trouble with a witch thief."_

While Kyoko severely doubted that that was what the creature really was saying, she didn't have much of a choice in the matter. "Yes."

"Awright! Kind of a Harry thing ta be doin', bu' it's no' the fist time I've 'eard of a Twist goin' off 'er rocker." Mayuri hummed to herself as she waved her hands over the table, calling forth what looked like a screen and a virtual map, as Kyoko looked on in interest. Several colored pins dotted the map, most green, some red, and a small handful black.

"I'm guessing these are witch lair positions." After all, they didn't call her the witch spotter for nothing, right? The question was of course, what each colour meant.

"Isle of Wight, rug rat." She nodded as Mami returned from the counter with a steaming pot of tea, serving cups for the three of them. "Thanks, love. Now, green witches 're on the Mother Goose and unclaimed. Red ones 're Brown Bread, and the black ones 're missin'."

Fortunately, she didn't have weird code for the only category that mattered. Examining the map, Kyoko began to wonder just how this creature was able to keep an eye on all these sites with up to date accuracy. Less than two days after the incident with Matrix, and Kasamino already had a black pin... along with Kuroyama, Odaiba, and Shibuya.

Taking some time to think about this, the red lancer picked up her teacup and gave it a gentle sniff, noting an unusually strong floral scent. "What's this supposed to be?"

"Darjeeling Tea, Second Flush," Mami explained. "Rarest tea in the world. Because it tastes like a fine wine, it gets the same treatment. As expected, Mayuri-sensei keeps only the best in stock."

Kyoko took a sip, and set the cup down, keeping herself in check. "It's good." What she really meant to say was "Why the hell didn't ya get any of this stuff before?"

Mami smiled. "Thank you." She looked at the map and the pins. "Hmm... Yes, that looks about right, considering the rumours I've followed..."

"The first Joe ta get 'it was 'ere." The witch spotter pointed at Odaiba. "And the latest one was 'ere," then to Kasamino. "'ole thing 'appened in the span of a Bubble."

_"A what?" _Kyoko glanced at the rat to interpret.

_"A week."_

"Looks like she's forming a circle then," Mami observed. As she said this, a fifth pin went black, closing the imaginray loop on the map. "... As I said. A circle."

"Right, this is the part where we find the centre of the circle, and that's where her hideout is." Kyoko raised her hands and took another sip of the tea. "This is almost too easy."

"I don't know..." Despite saying this, Mami nevertheless drew a circle and then found the centre: Mitakihara. "Something tells me it's not as simple as that." She looked up at Mayuri.

"Wot? Don' look a' me. I jus' knows there's a Witchinator runnin' 'round and Apple Bobbin' witches from other Ocean's territory. I'm the Witch Spo'er, no' the magical girl census!"

"... 'Witchinator'..." Kyoko facepalmed. "You gotta be fucking kidding me."

Mami laughed nervously. "That _is_ quite the coincidence, isn't it?"

"Git runs right 'round in a Nanny Goat and Gregory Pecks, spou'ing one-liner Jackson Pollocks like "We are the imperative~! Wooooo~!"" Mayuri sarcastically wiggled her fingers. "Of course she'd make me think of the ol' Guvnornator!"

Kyoko didn't say anything. Her mind was quite active at the moment, though. What was it about this girl that made three different people reach extremely similar conclusions about her? Well... whatever it was, that didn't really matter. After all, the only thing that was important was that she got her witch back. "Anyway, are ya sure that's _all_ you know?"

As if anticipating the reaction, the little blonde not-goth-loli smirked. "Any extra's gonna cost ye, rug rat. One seed."

"Wow! What a bargain! Would ya like an arm and a leg while you're at it?" the red lancer rolled her eyes and stood up. This meeting was over. "Let's go, Mami. We got what we came for. No need to buy into her upsell."

"It's jus' good business," that smirk never left her pale face. "In any case, ye're free ta leave my offer. Keepin' it on the Aunt Mabel if ye decide ta change yer mind, though."

"Yeah, yeah." Kyoko brushed it off and began to head for the door.

"It really was a pleasure meeting you again." Mami stood up and bowed. "Please excuse us."

"Come back any time, love," the Witch Spotter sipped her tea. "The rug rat too. Get's right lonely in this ol' Mickey Mouse sometimes. 'ppreciate the company."

"Sure thing. Then, we'll be going now." With a wave goodbye, and an increasingly obvious relief, Mami followed her partner back out the door, along the cobblestone path through the overgrown garden, and back into the outside world.

"Hey..." Kyoko shot a glance at the golden musketeer.

"Yes?"

"I'm not gonna ask what about what she did to ya back when she was your senpai," the red lancer drew another Pocky from her box, "But whatever it was, ya seriously gotta get over it. The Mami I know isn't some broken grovelling yes-man."

Mami looked sheepishly embarrassed for just a moment, before she washed it a way with her usual warm smile. "Thanks, Kyoko..."

The red lancer smirked playfully. "Though I wouldn't mind if you'd make me some of that special tea once in a while. It's really something."

Mami only giggled. "I'll keep that in mind for the next time you drop by my place."

"N... Not that it'll be any time soon, of course!" Kyoko verbally backed away from the dangerous direction the conversation was going. She mentally reminded herself that she wasn't here to kiss and make up.

"Ah... yes."

"Anyway, our next move has gotta be catching her," she nibbled on that Pocky. "The question is... how?"

"It's actually quite simple," Mami said. "We set up a trap, and wait for her to spring it."

* * *

**AN: **Since I'm neither Cockney nor British, I apologise to more knowledgeable people out there for my admittedly bad handling of the language. I'm more than open to any corrections that should be made to the lines in question.

That said, the next step is simple, as they said. How will they set a trap Matrix/Trench/Witchinator? Will they ever finally settle on something to call her? Will Coobie invite Mayuri to a LAN Party? Find out in the next chapter!


	5. YOU WISHED FOR WHAT?

**AN**: So I just finished me some Rebellion on May 8th. It's got me totally excited and I feel like continuing with this story at a quicker pace. Better watch myself though. Don't wanna burn out, my bad however for misspelling the romanization of Ka**Z**amino city. Will have to edit that and remember the correct roma next time. I also got a map of Mitakihara from the PSP game. It makes mapping things out a lot easier for me, which is always a good thing.

I must apologize, however, for this delay. I already have a lot of stuff outlined; I actually just have to get down to writing it...

Enerjak: Won't deny it. Snaps and explosions were taken from Roy. Perhaps Reina would be appropriate in this case, haha.

**Disclaimer**: Meduka Meguca is the property of Gen and Coobie. Be on guard, however, because Hameru seems to want to make a hostile buyout.

* * *

**IV: YOU WISHED FOR WHAT?!**

"So let me get this straight," Kyoko sipped some iced tea through a straw. After leaving the insufferable Goth loli's creepy, kooky residence, the two had gone around town, searching for a witch, the essential tool in Mami's trap. After spending the rest of the morning doing so, however, the pair had turned up empty handed, and decided to have lunch at a random cafe before continuing on. "The reason we're looking for a witch, is so that we can sit around in its lair and wait for May to show up, so we can ambush her."

"Correct." Mami said, neatly cutting the tip of her slice of cake with a decent stainless steel fork, rather than a tasteless plastic one. At least the cafe had enough class to complement the area of the neighbourhood it was in. "A simple, basic, yet elegant approach. We know that May is after witches. Why is still a mystery, but at least we know what her MO is." She paused to eat that bit, the taste of sweet chocolate bringing a smile to her face.

"Call me bothered, but isn't that going to take too long? We don't even know if she'll find the exact same witch we do. These are times of plenty, Mami. Witches are all over the damn place." Kyoko took a large bite off a hotdog sandwich.

"In case you haven't noticed, my town seems to be an exception." Mami's smile only widened.

"Yeah, we can't even find familiars..." Kyoko pouted at the thought. "Oh right, you don't like having a healthy witch population. Ya really should watch more Discovery Channel. Keeping a healthy, balanced number of juvenile prey is essential to preserving their population. You'll starve to death if ya keep stomping out the familiars instead of letting them mature to witch-dom."

The golden musketeer frowned at the comment. "So you really are just like the rest now, huh." Suddenly, the chocolate cake didn't seem so special...

"Not to beat on a dead horse." The red lancer took another sip. "I mean, I know ya wanna keep as many people as possible safe. But if you starve to death, who's gonna take your place? The Mami brand of idealism doesn't last long in this world. That you've managed to keep it up for this long shows that you're totally different from the rest of us... No one I know has guts like that... Putting yourself constantly at risk of starving for the sake of J. Random Person who'll never even know you saved his ass... That's why-."

The loud blaring of a horn drowned out anything else that came out of her mouth. Behind them, a convoy of angry, bright orange and white trucks passed along the street with the momentum of an enraged bull, clearly on the way to some hitherto unknown destination, and showing no intent to brake for anything. Surprised pedestrians crossing the street were forced to jump out of the way lest they get crushed underneath the mighty thunderous wheels. One particularly unfortunate old lady dropped her grocery bags and had no time to pick them back up, having no choice but to run for it.

As the convoy passed through, Kyoko kept her mouth shut by finishing the sandwich, now wasn't the time to get cuddly. After such a tough start this morning, why should she soften up so quickly? Fine, so maybe she was beginning to be more honest with herself. Yes, she admired that dumb blonde's perseverance... Something that at one point, she too strove to copy, but those days were long behind her. Things just weren't the same after her father found out and started calling her a witch. And of course it all came crashing down with that fire...

"... Just forget I said anything." She knew that look in Mami's eyes. She didn't want to get her hopes up. She wasn't about to go back to become her dear student again.

"... I see..." Mami took another bite of her cake.

"So… I guess thanks to your methods, this is actually gonna be a lot easier." Trying to get back to the subject, Kyoko nodded and smiled as sincerely as she could - hard to do, and very awkward, given the turn the conversation had just taken. "Because once we find that witch, it's sure to be the one May's going for."

"Agreed," Following suit, Mami also tried to crack a smile. To Kyoko, who had no way to compare the two, it nevertheless seemed that her former senpai had the one which had looked more forced. Mami finished her cake. "Then, let's get going. There's maybe one more place we've left to check on this side of town."

Kyoko went through a mental checklist... Park, Residential Area, Train Station, Random Houses belonging to people who happened to be living strategically close to these areas... "Wait. Lemme guess, the hospital…?"

"We completely overlooked it somehow. It's the most obvious place to start looking. It was even close to where we started, and yet we went right past..." Mami's eyebrows furrowed. How did she miss it?

"Maybe because you were too busy flashing back to your horribly traumatic early days under Count Draculoli," Kyoko joked as she finished her iced tea. She stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "Let's go."

Mami didn't hear that part about going. For a moment, every other faculty of her consciousness shut down. Her mind was filled only with memories of sleepless nights imagining heavy footsteps and creaking floorboards outside her apartment door, painful cane spankings whenever she messed up badly, and having to learn a most unusual slang-uage.

"Hello, earth to Mami? Ya didn't lose your head over what I said, did you?" Kyoko stretched one of her senior's eyes wide open to check for pupil dilation, and then blew into it.

Evidently, that worked, as Mami snapped out of the moment with a yelp, shutting her eye in response. "What was that for?"

"Just helping ya get over your PTSD. We should get going. May might steal the witch first if we take our time."

"Yes... Yes, of course."

Mami stood up and led the way, leaving behind a tip for whoever was going to have to clean up their table.

She was just about to cross the street when that angry horn from earlier blared again, sending the partially-distracted senior into a backwards jump as the same - or a similar - convoy of bright orange and white trucks rushed past her at full speed. "Hmmm..."

"Watch where you're goin' ya road hogs!" Kyoko's angry fist-shaking yells fell on deaf ears as the trucks carried on their way. "You okay?"

"Yes." Mami nodded, deep in thought. "Those guys sure are busy... They've been at it since this morning. Almost ran over a cat and scared it into a tree."

"Honestly, the nerve of some people." Kyoko snorted. "If they're gonna honk, they should at least do it while they're still far away."

"Let's not dwell on it." Mami smiled as she resumed her crossing of the street. "After all, there are more pressing concerns."

"Like the hospital." Kyoko nodded and let the blonde senior lead the way.

The trip to the Hospital felt longer than usual, if uneventful. This was not just because they came in from the other side of town, but because they were in a hurry. Time always seemed to go too quickly when one was in a hurry. That was one of the stranger things humans had to put up with. And yet the oddest thing greeted them when they arrived: the fact that no soul gems were sparking, or even glowing as brightly.

Mami frowned as she walked about the parking lot, soul gem in outstretched hand, forehead creased as though trying to will a witch into existence from nothing. Finally, with a sigh, she put the yellow jewel away and headed to Kyoko, who had taken a spot outside the main entrance and reclined against the wall, pocky in her mouth.

"Look on the bright side: at least there isn't that much despair here today." She held out another one of the chocolate-covered biscuit sticks.

Mami obliged and took it for herself. "It's either that, or the witch here has already been killed or taken..."

"Ya know what really bugs me, though?"

"What?"

Kyoko nibbled on the pocky, frown deepening. "Your old teacher, her Google Maps Witch Marker thing doesn't seem to work as straightforwardly as it seems."

"You mean how it wasn't showing all of the surrounding witches?" Mami understood the matter, of course. These were times of plenty, and yet there weren't as many witches marked on that map as one would expect.

"Yeah."

"It has a privacy filter on it," Mami looked around, apparently still faintly hoping that a witch would appear. "Notice how the further the distance from Mitakihara and Kazamino, the higher the number of markers. Those cities are our territory, and she doesn't want her business ruined by us finding all the witches there, or the ones in the nearby towns, for the matter. So if she had a client from all the way in say, Uminari, she'd be able to see all of the witches in Mitakihara, Kazamino, and the nearby towns."

"Didja just come up with this now, or...?" Kyoko raised an eyebrow. Mami's answer was surprisingly quick, and sounded more sure than speculating.

"Experience; she was kind enough to let me watch her in the middle of transactions."

"... Really…?" And another surprising revelation.

"She's not always a nightmare teacher, you know," Mami smirked, almost as if entertaining a fond memory. "Mayuri-sensei has a soft side too."

"I'll believe it when I see it." Kyoko munched. "That creepy goth loli gave me nothing but evil vibes earlier." A few seconds passed, and it seemed as though nothing else was going to happen. "So, wanna check out the Industrial District next?"

"Yes, it doesn't seem like we'll be finding any witches here soo-." Mami forgot the rest of what she was going to say when a flash of bright light erupted from the bicycle parking area. Instinct kicked in as she automatically drew her soul gem and transformed, rushing to the source of the light, Kyoko not far behind.

There was no mistaking it. That light was magical, and that meant there was something around that corner. Maybe, just maybe, it was the witch that they needed - despite the fact that the soul gems didn't pick it up.

Mami skidded to a halt as she spotted two things: a portal to a lair that had just shut, and right in front of it, lying flat on her face, a small girl no taller than Mayuri, with long off-white hair, an orange coat, and what appeared to be a black cat hat of some sort.

"The hell...?"

Before anything else could escape Kyoko's mouth, Mami had already knelt down and propped the girl up onto her knees. "Are you alright...? Hey...!"

The girl's orange eyes weakly opened and her lips started moving, mumbling... "... I can't find it..."

"Find what?" Mami lowered her ear to the girl's mouth to better hear her.

"Ehhh... cheese..."

"... You're looking for cheese?"

"Grief... cheese..."

"... Grief cheese...?"

Kyoko rolled her eyes and picked the girl up, standing her straight, much to Mami's surprise and chagrin. "Spit it out, kid. Are ya looking for cheese, or a grief seed?"

"... Both..."

Shaking her head at this rough behaviour, Mami sighed and reached into her pockets for a spare seed that, if she could recall correctly, was somewhere between the lint, and her cell phone.

Meanwhile, Kyoko continued her interrogation. "Good, we're getting somewhere. Now kid, I want ya to tell us what happened here. Did you kill a witch? Did it kick your ass, or did some punk in a trench coat steal it from ya?"

Still in a daze, the girl squinted as she tried to comprehend the two... Or was it three? Maybe it was five and she only heard two or three... Well she tried first to comprehend how many questions were thrown at her, and once she did that, she could then try to figure out what the questions actually meant. Assuming she could remember what the questions were to begin with. "... Cheese...?"

"Wrong answer, let's try this again. Shake your head if it's a no, and nod your head if it's a yes." Kyoko started with a test question. "Ya get me?"

Those droopy orange eyes were glazing over as she tried to get it... _Do you get me?_ That was a question, yes? Was it a yes or no question? Yes. Therefore, if the answer is yes, nod. She nodded.

"Good. Now, question one. Did ya kill a witch?"

_Did you kill a witch?_ Was that a yes or no question? Yes. Was there a witch? Yes. Did she kill the witch? No. But since two out of three answers were yes, then it was best to go with the majority. The girl nodded again.

"Okay. Then did some punk in a trench coat steal your grief seed? Is that why you're bombed out?"

_Did some punk in a trench coat steal your grief seed? Is that why you're bombed out?_ Was that a yes or no question? Yes. Was the second one a yes or no question? Yes. Was there some punk? Yes. Did she wear a trench coat? Yes. Did she steal the grief seed? No. Was that why she was bombed out? Wait... But what was "that" supposed to stand for to begin with? "... That's... That's not yes, or no..."

"... Okay, seriously, ya gotta get your act together. Stay with me here."

"Hand out your soul gem," Mami let the girl sit in her lap again as she finally found that spare grief seed under her hat, rather than in her pocket, for some reason. As soon as the girl held out that dim, dark orange soul gem, Mami brought the grief seed close and purified it. "She's clearly not in a state of mind to be answering questions, Kyoko. We can ask all the questions we want once she's feeling better."

"Tch," Kyoko looked to the side, frowning at what she saw as the waste of a good seed on someone who was already dying anyway. "Did it ever occur to you that ya might need to use that after we fight with May?"

"She needs it more than I do right now, and I can always use my backup seed for the fight."

"Well as long as ya don't babysit her for too long. We've got us a witch-napper to punch in the face."

The fog that had clouded the girl's vision slowly cleared up, and the first thing she saw was a thick spiraling strand of cheese hanging above her face, which she immediately lunged up to gobble.

"Hey!"

Except that strand of cheese was actually one of Mami's drills.

As Mami struggled to get her hair out of the hungry girl's mouth, Kyoko only shook her head and bopped the child's head with the end of her spear shaft.

"Ow!"

The reaction gave Mami just enough time to pull her hair out of the voracious maw. "Hold on, I'm not cheese, okay?"

"Yeah, there's an idea." The red lancer smirked. "Let's go get her some real cheese before she bites your head off."

"Ha, ha," Mami rolled her eyes as she proceeded to help the girl up and head for the hospital cafeteria.

Despite all the jokes about hospital food's dubious quality, Mitakihara General was a clear exception to this common criticism. Even the cafeteria looked more like a cafe, with a wide array of entrées, from meat, to fish, to chicken. Other items were also on the menu, such as fruits and vegetables, soups, breads, and various desserts. Kyoko helped herself to an apple, while Mami ordered a chiffon cake for herself and a cheesecake for the girl, who, after having devoured her share of the glorious custard, calmed down and introduced herself as one Nagisa Momoe, in a decidedly eloquent manner.

"My parents, however, call me Bebe."

Kyoko snickered. "Mami and Bebe," All they needed now was a Dadi, and they could be a happy little family... or something. The snicker quickly turned into a slight pout as she recalled her own once-happy family. There was even a Momo to round them off...

"Tell us more about yourself, Nagisa-san." Unfortunately, things that Kyoko considered time consuming, such as warming up to strangers, were a necessity for this investigation.

"Please," she took a sip from her milkshake, "Call me Bebe. After all, you used your grief seed on me, a complete stranger. The least I can do is be your friend."

"Sounds like old money," Kyoko mumbled to herself.

"Bebe it is, then."

Nodding to herself, the girl explained the circumstances leading up to this predicament. She had made her wish just the day before, and was going on her first witch hunt. Things seemed to be going well for her first time, until a mysterious magical girl in a trench coat appeared, incapacitated her, and stole the witch. She did leave a grief seed for Bebe to use, and Bebe considered that a fair exchange. However, she accidentally dropped it into a ravine in the lair before she could use it, and had spent the last several hours searching for it in vain, before giving up and exiting the lair, lest she die and disappear forever.

"If I were to die in this line of work, I would prefer to be found, rather than forgotten," she pointed out, before ordering seconds. The waiter was quick to comply. A bittersweet smile crossed her face. "Though in the end, it doesn't matter. I would go to where my mother is, in either case."

"…Your mother?" Mami ordered seconds for herself and Kyoko. "I'm sorry to hear that..."

"Please don't be. Her last moments were some of the best we shared. That cheesecake I wished for made her so happy..." Bebe sighed wistfully. "… She always did love cheesecake..."

"Wait..." At this point, something in Kyoko's brain snapped. "You wished for _what?_"

"Cheesecake; as I said, mother always loved cheesecake. So it would only be proper that the last thing she did with us was have cheesecake. They were beautiful moments that I shall forever cherish." Bebe whispered softly, putting her hands together in a seemingly prayer formation.

Mami, meanwhile, rubbed her forehead, as if trying to get over a headache that this thoughtlessness brought about. How could somebody, given the chance, wish for something so... stupid?

"Ya could've asked for anything under the sun," Kyoko slammed her hands onto the table. Fortunately, the cafeteria was mostly empty, it having been the mid-afternoon. "You coulda wished for her to be cured." Sure, she was just a kid. But how, how could she waste her wish that way? "But instead you wished for a goddamn _cheesecake_?! Un-fucking-believable!"

"Kyoko," Mami's hand shot out in front of her angered partner, holding her back from potentially beating the little girl's face in. "Calm down. I'm sure she didn't know any better..."

"On the contrary… Mami-san," Bebe then folded her hands together as she waited for the second cheesecake. "I knew mother well, and she was ready… We had spent years fighting this, and she had finally thrown in the towel. She may have lost the battle, but the war was won. And she would not want anything, not even a miracle, to disturb her victory." Despite saying this, tears were obviously welling up in her eyes. This angry red girl had a point.

"But how do you know that...?" Kyoko's eyes were also starting to dampen. Bebe was spouting ridiculous ivory tower bollocks. How could one _not_ wish to cure her mother's terminal illness?

"Because I asked her myself..." Tears had begun to stream down her cheeks, and she began to wipe them with her sleeves. Bebe sniffed. "Sh... she said... 'I'm tired. We all are. But we can all rest now, and I'm glad you turned out for the better. Don't take this away from me.'… I understood, then. She didn't want a miracle. She didn't want to wake up anymore... she... just wanted some cheesecake." Before long, Bebe had broken down into a teary mess.

Mami stood up and moved over to the little girl's side of the table, hugging her from behind. "Shhh..."

"It... w... would have... b... been inappropriate..." Bebe continued to sob.

"Tch..." Kyoko finally simmered down and sat back in her seat, munching on her apple as Mami did her thing. "... Well I guess if your mom wanted it, it probably was best to give her the cheesecake..." Though deep down inside, she still fiercely disagreed with such an idea. That kid's mother was selfish for taking a cheesecake over a cure to her sickness. Looking at that girl crying her heart out in such a pathetic way... She gritted her teeth as she focused her anger on the selfishness of the mother instead of the child.

"Right now, what you can do is honour your mother's memory," Mami whispered into the girl's ear. "You made your wish to make her happy, right? Do you think she'd be happy if she sees you crying like this? That you weren't actually ready for her to go...?"

Bebe shook her head.

"Then perk up." Mami raised the girl's chin up to look her in the eye. Bebe met with Mami's kind smile, and took in what precious little comfort it provided. The hug was finally reciprocated as the girl slipped out of her chair and hugged the blonde senior back.

Kyoko muttered to herself again, repeating her earlier comment. "Mami and Bebe, huh…" Yes, maybe that could work out after all. And what of herself? Maybe she could be the Dadi if... Kyoko shook her head. No, that was stupid, and wasn't going to happen any time soon. She quietly watched as the scene calmed down, and Bebe started to smile, if weakly. "Well, ya know, the first thing you'd wanna do to honour your mom, is to find that Matrix reject, kick her ass, and take back your witch."

Mami looked up at her former student in disbelief. "Kyoko, are you suggesting...?"

"She's got better odds of making it if she tags along with us," the red lancer shrugged and finished the last of her apple. "Besides, I already know you're thinking of taking her in. You're too kind not to. Just make sure she doesn't slow us down, and we'll be fine, aight?"

The golden musketeer's response was a smile so warm that Kyoko had to avert her gaze and suppress the rosy colour her cheeks were starting to take on. "Thank you, Kyoko."

"L... Let's just go. C'mon. The Industrial District's all the way across the river."

The group paid for their food and Kyoko led the way out of the hospital, taking in a deep breath of the late afternoon air as she passed through the exit. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw a familiar shape scurry past her and into the building. She turned around and saw nothing but her two companions and a white, well-lit hallway. What was that? Well, since there wasn't anything, maybe she was just imagining things. With a shrug, the red lancer resumed the trek to the Industrial District. It would be a long one, but that was always good exercise.

* * *

QBr00lz, or QB, as people on the server have begun to call him, slid under the bridge, emerging on the other side to catch d00m from behind with three shots from his grenade revolver. The quiet recon trooper exploded into a shower of beautifully animated gibs as the disembodied announcer - a canned voice, no doubt, announced his earning of a special kind of kill. It truly was an irrational game, glorifying creative violence by enshrining it under achievements. Nevertheless, one could learn much from the social engineering that could be done with such a game.

The white overwatch soldier passed by Cheif, now on his team, who responded with a thumbs up gesture. QB merely nodded and continued on towards the bomb site, which they were tasked to protect from the other team, whose objective was to plant a time bomb at the designated area. Apparently the context of this map was that a terrorist group - the enemy team - was intending to bomb an important government structure in snowy Alaska. Nothing that could be considered original, but it certainly served its purposes in the context of providing the participants with goals towards which to orient their efforts.

QB's screen went red and his life bar dropped by a third as he was sent flying forward by a rocket, soon followed by a familiar excited voice on the intercom. "HAH! How do you like THAT, Cheif?" True enough, NanoHAH! had scored yet another rocket propelled kill.

[Kill confirmed,] rang the pre-recorded voice response by Frickachu, in congratulations of his team mate's achievement.

It didn't take long for QB to locate the offender and fire off several grenades in her direction, but NanoHAH! had proven to be perhaps the second most dangerous opponent on this server. It was no surprise that she escaped, most likely unscathed. QB focused his attention on finding the most dangerous opponent of all... The player who, through some sheer tenacity, managed to kill him several dozen times since the first game: GroundhogGirl5.56, or, as they decided to call her, Groundhog, because frankly, with how she played this game with the skill of a consummate professional that matched Cheif and d00m, she was more groundhog than girl.

During his search, he ran across Sailor, who had somewhat gotten the hang of the controls. Save for the fact that she could only ever run backwards, she was a marginally competent fighter who would occasionally score a kill if she happened to be facing in the right direction... like in this particular instance, where her shotgun had been pointing in Pawncher's direction just as the latter was about to get the drop on Sailor's teammate Sayaka.

Just as well. Unfortunately, after taking Sayaka's thanks and carrying on her merry way, Sailor's inability to look forward was ultimately her undoing, as she ran back-first into whothehelldoyouthinkiam, who eviscerated her with his katana. Not that that suicidal idiot was much good either, insisting on using a katana in a gunfight, but he was lucky enough to be up against an enemy who always had her back facing the wrong way.

QB quickly dispatched that melee-obsessed fighter and moved on to find his next target... But alas, it seemed as though she had spotted him first. Without warning, QB's screen turned red and before he could properly react, it was over. The match ended soon afterwards, with Groundhog planting the bomb and killing Sayaka with a combat knife to the head.

The entire group soon found themselves in the waiting room, where most players tended to chat between matches.

"You play pretty good for a new guy," NanoHAH! said. "You sure you're not a pro with a new account?"

"That's correct," QB answered matter-of-factly. "I am rather methodical, however. This game very much holds my interest."

"Really, now?" behind her screen, NanoHAH! smiled. "Well, to be honest, there's a variety of us here in Team Ahnenerbe. Some of us, like Cheif, d00m, and whothehell, have been at it for a while now. Usagi, Sayaka and Puncher, and you, I guess... all under a month. The Team itself was only formed a week ago. We're hoping to get good enough to climb the ladder, maybe even go pro..."

"Professional, you say?"

"Yeah, if we can get to the top, then we can show those pushovers in the Pro Leagues that even a bunch of casuals can rise to the top, because our friendship is stronger than their strictly professional teamwork!"

Cheif cleared his throat at that, making a rather low, guttural sound at that.

"... Right, that's not to say of course that we should avoid professional level teamwork. But our emphasis is on the power of our friendship!"

"I see, an interesting proposition." QB nodded. "Is this something you could consider... a dream? Something you'd wish for?"

NanoHAH! laughed at the bizarre comment. "Yeah, of course it's a dream, but if you ask me, it's the kind of thing I can do without genies or magical fairies... you know?"

"And this thinking is to your earlier comment."

"Exactly, friendship is the most powerful force in the universe! It's right up there along with Trust and Love!"

A most unusual girl, to say the least, however, there was something about her that QB couldn't quite put his finger on. Certainly, she would become a fine witch, with that kind of hopelessly idealistic mindset, but there was something else about her that bothered him, aside from not having an obvious wish, that is. Whatever the exact reason was, one thing was clear: she required further investigation.

"We need ten players for a full squad," the girl continued. "You want the last spot?"

"... Is this an invitation?"

NanoHAH! smiled. Not that QB could see it, or anything. This wasn't VR, after all. "Yes. Yes it is."

"Then consider me your tenth member."

The waiting room erupted into cheering, punctuated by Frickachu's repeated playback of the canned response [Mission complete!] Even the Cheif raised his thumbs in approval, while Groundhog nodded in acknowledgement.

It then occurred to QB, from all this cheering, that there were perhaps three other girls on this team aside from NanoHAH!. This could only mean one thing, of course: There was now more potential for contracts.

* * *

She really had to lay off the morphine. It was morphine, right? That drug that they pumped into her whenever she had a hard time breathing? She'd have to google that up the next chance she got to use a computer. Apparently, the doctor she had been saddled with was paranoid and believed that WIFI radiation exacerbated health conditions similar to hers. And so she was prohibited from using even her laptop to google things she was curious about.

But anyway, back to why she figured she would have to lay off the morphine. It was that dream she had just woken from. It was so vivid... so... real...

_"Did you know there was this much pain in the world?"_ Was what the voice had first said. She had been walking around in a foggy void. She would wave her hand through the fog, and then would see some girl or another going through a horrible tribulation, like starvation in some African country, or parental abuse, or having to put up with really ugly shoes out of poverty.

"I'm just some girl," she answered, waving her hand through the fog to find the mysterious source of this voice. "You can't expect me to change the world, or anything."

_"I didn't say you had to."_ It wasn't as if the voice was being defensive, of course. It didn't seem that way, at least. Not to her. She continued to wander around the misty void, waving her hand and seeing the various horrors of girls around the world. Many girls had to go through the terrible trepidation of being resigned to an ordinary life, without the potential to do something amazing. These were completely ordinary, healthy girls, who had no heart conditions to keep them from becoming great. How petty could they be? _"But as you can see, suffering comes in many different forms-."_

"And if we're talking about suffering, why don't you mention mine?" Because clearly, what was the point of having this kind of dream that felt straight out of a wish fulfilment action heroine fantasy story book if it wasn't going to eventually help her out of her health problems?

_"... I'm getting to that..."_ said the voice. If she squinted hard enough, she might have noticed the minuscule, almost non-existent irritation in its tone. _"Obviously we have to dramatically build up the tension, show you the big picture, before we can settle on your personal issues."_

"Why? Are you making an anime out of this? Am I going to become Magical Girl Disability-chan?" She raised her hands in the air and wiggled her fingers, mockingly picturing sparkles for the title card of the hypothetical show. Naturally, this being a dream of sorts, sparkles did appear to fall from her fingers.

_"N... now hold on just a second here..."_

"That in itself is a very offensive concept..." she muttered." You're not a studio producer, are you?"

_"What?"_

"Well maybe a magical studio producer, since you can probably do things other normal producers can't do. In any case, only a producer can come up with such an insensitive idea."

_"Look, I'm just trying to-"_

"Ah, here we are." Finally, she saw an image of herself, a recent memory from perhaps a few days ago, where, after putting her through several tests, the doctors decided, once again, that she was not fit for discharge, and they sent her back to confinement. "You know, they say I almost died this morning. All I remember was sneezing a lot for no particular reason."

_"Uhm..."_ Apparently she had gone so far off track that the voice had forgotten what it had to say next.

"I guess this memory is a lot more appropriate, huh. I didn't particularly feel like suffering this morning. I felt irritated, sure, but not in pain."

_"Since when, were you this assertive?"_

"Oh, so you're supposed to know me well, now?" She walked past the final memory and began to head in the direction where she believed the voice was coming from. "I don't remember meeting you before. Does that mean you've been watching me this whole time? Are you a stalker then, perhaps? That's really creepy you know... a magical producer stalker. I'm suddenly starting to wonder if I'm in one of those horror anthologies..."

_"If that is what you choose to believe."_ There was a certain resignation in the voice, perhaps the fact that this wasn't going to be as easy as it had thought.

"Lovely. Anyway, we're done with the suffering part. So what's the next section of your sales talk? Healing? Hope? Adventure?"

_"Let's talk about wishes."_

"Oh, hey, so you're a magical producer stalker genie. I'm guessing that makes you the jerk kind of genie who either takes my wish literally i.e. "make me a sandwich" turns me into a sandwich rather than giving me one, or the kind who uses loopholes to turn my wish on its head. Like if I wished I was rich, I'd be filthy rich, because I was a Colombian drug lord. Now _that_ would be fun. Think of all the firepower I'd have at my disposal."

_"..."_

"So since this is a dream anyway, it's the wrong place to talk to me. I'm only this confident when I know I can't get hurt. Most of the time, I'm actually pretty shy, so if you actually are real, maybe we should talk in real life, right?" The fog slowly began to clear, and the void seemed to slowly crack. Almost as if a distant sun were beginning to rise. "... Right...?" If nothing else, the stifling, stuffy presence of the voice seemed to have disappeared entirely, leaving her alone in the gradually fading darkness. "... Hello?"

Black had turned to a dark grey, apparently illuminated by a distant, imperceptible light. As the fog continued to lift, certain images became more visible. All those suffering girls, from the random starving street urchin, to the vapid first world girl doomed to mediocrity, had become visible... And they were all staring at her, silent, but not emotionless. In their eyes, she could see a darkness brewing, a swirling and chaotic vortex of black that tainted their otherwise lovely eyes. As they opened their mouths to cry out in suffering, the "sky" - hard to tell what the sky was in a featureless void - began to crack, and a ray of light finally began to shine through.

And that was when she woke up in her bed in this hospital ward. Eyes wide open from the rather bizarre turn that the dream took, she retrieved her glasses from the side table, wiped them, and put them on, before getting up to check the time: 7pm. The nurse would be by soon to serve dinner. She slowly got off the bed to wash her face... hands trembling and legs shaky from the ordeal.

It was so vivid. What was that, exactly?

And that voice? Why did it sound so familiar...?

* * *

**AN**: About the hardest part of this chapter was explaining why Bebe isn't a witch yet, considering how she's a reasonably intelligent girl who would quickly figure out that wishing for "one last cheesecake with mum" is very wasteful compared to "cure mum's cancer"... And how that kind of regret could easily drive her to witch-ifying despair, considering 1) she's less than 10 years old, and 2) she could easily realize that by squandering her wish, she basically killed her mother. I asked for help, and eventually managed to get the explanation you have here.

So what now? Will Kyoko, Mami, and Bebe find a witch to bait Maytrench with? What will Kyubey do as a member of Team Ahnenerbe? Does morphine cause intense hallucinations? Find out next time!


	6. WHO'RE YOU CALLING APPLE PIE?

**AN**: I think I might be able to get a good pace out of this. It's hard to tell at this point, but I'm hopeful. yWriter is a very nice piece of writing software once you get past the little kinks. So here's chapter 5, with an interesting, unusual title. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer**: Meduka Meguca is the property of Gen, SHAFT, and Coobie. Keep an eye out for the special SHAFT reference!

* * *

**V: WHO'RE YOU CALLING "APPLE PIE"?!**

Kyoko kicked the last familiar so hard that it bounced off the wall and flew right out the window on the opposite side of the room. With lairs, it was really impossible to tell how high up that was, but the red lancer could have sworn that she heard a distant thud some five seconds later. According to the normal laws of physics, and Earth's gravity, that fall would have been just short of fifty metres, but that was being too presumptive to this weird inner-city-looking pastiche of reality.

She pulled up a chair by the window and made herself comfortable, looking over her shoulder and out at the mouldy ham witch that skulked in the distance. "So we just sit here and wait, right?"

"That's pretty much it." Mami dragged a table over to where her partner was sitting, as Bebe got a couple of chairs from the next room. Now to call these things chairs was very generous, unless of course crude oil - no, not the plastic by-products, actual crude oil - was used in the construction of regular chairs. Surprisingly enough, they held quite well under the girls' weight. "If another magical girl shows up, we might even be able to help her out if she gets into trouble. So this is another service we can do."

"Assuming she'd want us to help," Kyoko mumbled between chewing on her Pocky. "I know I wouldn't." She looked about the labyrinth, which was a comfortably-sized room, neither too big nor small, with a rusty old industrial aesthetic to it. Witch labyrinths normally mocked the outside world where one found them, such as the industrial section in this case, but as one delved deeper, that connection thinned and eventually broke to reveal the witch's true preferred internal decorations. Oddly enough, the witch was already in sight - if rather far away - yet everything retained its industrial feel... just grimier than the outer layers of the lair. "Gotta hand it to ya' though, you picked a great vantage point."

"I take my planning seriously," Mami smiled as she plopped down into the chair that Bebe had pulled up for her. "I even made sure to bring some things to pass the time," she set down on the table a bag of "groceries" she had gotten as they passed by a convenience store earlier, and opened it up, drawing various trinkets that were probably useful for some kind of entertainment or another: a deck of cards, a Rubik's Cube, a volume of light hearted gag manga, a _kendama_ set, and a yoyo, amongst others. "Take your pick."

"A flavour for every occasion, huh..." Kyoko's hand snagged the _kendama_ set from the table with lightning speed and she immediately got to work trying to get the ball to land on the spike. It reminded her too much of work, of course, but the difference seemed to be that thrusting a spear through a witch was much easier than getting the hole in a ball to land on a miniature spear. "Tch... It looked a lot easier on TV..."

Bebe, meanwhile, had contented herself with the yoyo, while Mami defaulted to playing a game of solitaire. "That reminds me, actually... I think there's a deck of _karuta_ in there as well. Want to play that instead?"

"What, you mean the three of us?" A dozen attempts in, and Kyoko had yet to catch that ball with the spike. "Well it sounds a lot easier than this. And I swear this damn thing is trying my patience."

"I believe myself to be quite familiar with the proverbs written on most _uta-garuta_," Bebe smiled innocently, although one could argue that it was underlain with a certain malice... "It wouldn't be fair to compete with casual players."

"... Yeah, I'm a casual player, so what?"

Bebe replied with a short giggle that only made that faux-innocent smile even more unnerving. Mami set the playing card deck aside and fished the _karuta_ deck from the bag. "Hmm... Well, I don't think these are New Year's Poems either way..." Opening the box, she placed the deck down on the table and took one. "It seems rather, ahh..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm not sure, really. But I think the odds are fair enough for the two of you to play nicely. Here, I'll be the reader." She began to read aloud. "Quoth the Raven...?"

Kyoko began to scan the array of cards that had been spread out across the table. That was too easy. She just had to grab the card with the picture of a raven on it, and even if she didn't know what the next line was, it didn't matter. There was one problem, though... Every card seemed to have a picture of a raven on it. What idiot designed this deck anyway? She grabbed the first card that looked like it sounded right in context, with the picture of a raven standing in the rain near a door, "Once upon a midnight dreary!"

"... No, that's not it."

Bebe remained silent as she read each of the cards one by one, unlike her opponent's frantic scrambling. What would a raven say if it could talk? She thought to herself. Here, she went on to pick a card with the picture of a raven watching over a woman lying down in a coffin, "Sorrow for the lost Lenore."

"Nope..."

Kyoko grabbed another one, a raven by a tree branch knocking on a door, "Tis the wind and nothing more!"

"What an articulate raven that must be!" Mami nervously laughed as she shook her head. "But no, that's not it either."

A frustrated Kyoko rubbed her hands around her head as if trying to pull her own hair out. "Arrgh! What the hell?! Who puts a stupid English poem on Japanese poetry cards?!"

"Maybe we should just go back to playing with the other things..." Bebe humbly suggested.

"Or we could hold a singing contest?" Mami began to clear her throat.

"Hell no!" Kyoko held her hand up in a stopping gesture. "Last time we did that, you sang that dumb theme song of yours all afternoon until I gave up!"

"Ah, don't worry about that," It was the blonde's turn to smile innocently. One would have to wonder if she wasn't hurt by that statement. After all, she composed that song herself, lyrics and all. "I've stopped singing that song."

Kyoko merely nodded. "Right, because that would be really embarrassing, especially to the new kid."

"I don't think it's embarrassing," Bebe said, back to playing with the yoyo. "I think it's nice that she can come up with a magical girl theme song."

"Yeah, except that this is the real world and not _Magical Sumerian Eins Justica_," the red lancer quipped back, "Theme songs don't make ya more powerful." She turned aside and muttered, "Though apparently 'Sumerians', 'Anunnaki', and 'Tia' are real…"

"They are, however, good for morale," Mami pointed out, holding up a finger just to be sure they heard her. "But don't worry. As I said, I don't sing that song anymore."

"Well it's good that ya' don't. It's not like it was starting to grow on me or anything..."

"What was that?" Mami turned to face her partner, her attention apparently having been on putting the _karuta_ deck away.

Kyoko cleared her throat. "I said I think I'll pick up that Rubik's Cube," which she did, although if one had to be honest, it was no easier than the _kendama_.

Bebe, meanwhile, had traded in the yoyo and picked up on the manga, giggling to herself over every shred of comedy. This likely meant that it was a very funny manga, as she would giggle quite often, and at one point, cracked up, possibly at a well-written punchline. Kyoko tried to ignore this nuisance as she worked on solving the cube, while Mami played chess... with herself.

"Lemme guess..." Kyoko set the cube down for a moment rubbed her temple at the sight. "Your worst enemy is yourself, or something like that, right?"

"Nothing that deep," Mami chuckled at Kyoko's expectation of wishy washy philosophical depth. "I just found that doing so sharpens my thinking."

"Is that right..." the red lancer went back to solving her puzzle block, leaving her partner to her unusual business. This waiting game went on for what seemed like the longest time, with the girls taking turns occasionally glancing in the witch's direction to see if any new developments had occurred. Finally, at around the 45-minute mark, Mami found some unusual activity, though unfortunately - in quite a few ways - not the kind that she was hoping for.

Was May there? No.

Was there a magical girl who needed help? No.

Had Kyubey arrived with that four-cheese pizza they ordered before entering the lair? Sadly, no. Of course that also meant they'd get the next delivery free, but that was the last thing on Mami's mind at the moment.

Totally distracted by their own waiting game, the girls had completely forgotten about the fact that witches lured people into their lairs if left unattended to. Well that wasn't entirely true. They could afford to do that, because, as Mami explained when she led the way inside, she had warded the entrance against humans. Perhaps the witch was just that powerful? About half a dozen people had indeed already wandered in, meandering like drunken zombies in the general direction of their doom by mouldy ham.

Without another word, the musketeer bounded off towards the hapless saps who were about to become lunch. Bebe just as quickly dropped the manga and followed after her saviour, just as Kyoko finally solved the accursed Rubik's cube.

"Hah! I win!" Triumphantly slamming the cube down on the table like a shounen hero, she looked up to the sight of empty chairs. Her ears soon rang with the sound of magical gunshots and a weird blubbing noise in the distance. She turned in the witch's direction and saw Mami taking it head on, as Bebe protected the people from the familiars with her weapon of choice, which appeared to be a trumpet that fired bubbles. Well, she'd seen weirder weapons before. _"... Oi, I thought you said you warded the entrance!"_ She sent her thoughts at her former senior's direction.

Mami dodged the witch's attack by back flipping over the incoming swipes of fuzzy blue processed meat, getting a few shots off before landing on the ground with cat-like tread. _"I did! Someone must have tampered with it!"_

_"Okay, just hang in there, I'm- watch out!"_

This warning was perhaps a second or split too late, however, as Mami, Bebe, and the witch were quickly snagged up by an all too familiar set of silver chains.

"Damn!" Preparing to pounce at first opportunity, Kyoko scanned the area surrounding the lair's central arena. If these chains were here, then there was no doubt that May was somewhere nearby, probably waiting to make her cheesy excuse for a grand entrance. She didn't have to search for long, however, as true enough, the mysterious girl in the trench coat revealed herself, stepping out from behind the witch. Well, there were weirder places to step out from.

"So, you were the one who messed with my ward!" If Mami could point fingers right now, she would do so in a manner reminiscent of a certain popular fictional lawyer, "How dirty of you… using innocent people as bait to lure out magical girls!"

May adjusted her sunglasses and raised an eyebrow, as if asking a silent question. "If there was a ward, I must congratulate you for making it completely undetectable. The only reason I found this lair was because I followed these kissed people until my soul gem picked up the witch's scent. They walked right in."

Mami fell silent at this, while May, apparently bored, glanced at her fingernails, as if waiting for an answer. "... You know, thinking back, I might have gotten a bit distracted with Kyubey's offer to get Bebe that four-cheese pizza. She was really asking for it."

"Then I suppose that makes you the dirty one. Or perhaps 'irresponsible' is more apt a description?" The girl in the trench coat focused her attention on the people, giving each of the would-be victims a slap with the back of her hand, waking them up from their trance and pointing them towards the nearest exit. They stumbled off to safety.

"Call it what you want." Mami gritted her teeth. "You still lured us out with these people."

"I'll be honest. I didn't even suspect you were here until you attacked the witch. I truly applaud your albeit-failed plan to ambush me. You see, normally, I only take witches being engaged by magical girls. It's more efficient that way. But had it eaten these people, it might have become too strong to safely capture." The last civilian gone, she turned back to her captive audience. "Had you waited a few more seconds, I would have fought the witch myself, and you would have certainly caught me off guard. But now, it seems-"

"That you're about to get your ass handed to ya!" A red flash flew past the black magical girl, missing her by mere inches. If one could see past the dark tinted sunglasses, they would see her eyes widening just a bit... perhaps out of shock, even.

May tilted her head back in an unnerving way, one where she could face the girls behind her, if at an awkward angle. "I doubt that would be the case if you can't even hit me when you have surprise on your side."

"Who says I was aiming for you?" Kyoko met the Matrix reject's SHAFT head tilt with a vicious smirk, just as the chains holding Mami and Bebe hostage shattered into countless pieces.

"So instead of taking your chance and finishing me right there, you opt to save these two." May paused and hummed in thought, "Interesting."

Kyoko pointed a thumb at Mami, who had now drawn her muskets, "Well this dumb blonde's my partner, so we have to work together," then pointed the other at Bebe, who rubbed her wrists before picking her trumpet back up. "And this kid is another one of your victims. So she also deserves a share of the ass-kicking!"

"Give it up, May!" Given this new chance, Mami thrust her finger out in a very accusatory manner. "It doesn't have to end in a fight!"

"Screw that! I'm claiming the kill!" Kyoko pounced like a tiger on the prowl. Mami sighed and raised her guns. Her so-called "partner" wasn't making this any easier for any of them.

May raised her hand and closed her fist. Chains shot out from several directions and criss-crossed in front of her, forming an ad-hoc net with which to stop the red lancer.

Kyoko angled herself in mid-flight, landing boots first onto the net and using it as a springboard to get back on the ground. The front route closed off, she instead ran around the net even as Mami fired magical bullets through the gaps in the web-work. May intercepted the shots with a single chain acting as a snake, twisting and turning to catch the bullets as they flew.

Bebe circled the net opposite of Kyoko, apparently as part of some unspoken agreement to catch their foe in a pincer. It was all well and good, with Mami's endless barrage pinning the black magical girl down and holding her focus captive. It shouldn't have been too hard to take her from behind, especially with the two of them.

Kyoko stepped onto a short stack of tires and leapt up, a red arrow flying straight at May's back.

May pulled in her fist, causing the net to tighten into a veritable wall of chains - smaller in area, but impenetrable. This left her in a shade against the storm of bright yellow bullets. At the same time, she swung her other hand around to the side, causing the chain to rush at the red lancer coming in from behind.

Kyoko smirked and swatted the silver chain, deflecting it. The chain coiled back like a cobra and sprung back out at Kyoko, twisting and winding to attack her from multiple angles. But the red lancer was more than ready, splitting up her spear shaft into her own little pet snake. Like duelling vipers, Kyoko's spear and May's chain struck, swept, twisted and smacked. That Matrix reject might not have been bad at fighting, but she seemed most used to catching her enemies by surprise and wrapping them up like a boa constrictor. It wasn't likely that she could split her attention between three opponents for a prolonged period of time and expect to come out on top.

Maybe two, but three was impossible, given the way she controlled her weapon, unless she could also use her feet to control chains, but that was stupid.

That said, in this particular case, Kyoko wouldn't mind playing second fiddle, giving Bebe the chance to make the killing blow. Considering May's aptitude, it would be best if the better fighters served as a distraction. Even if it was the noob who was going to land the finisher, at least the finisher making it through was guaranteed.

Stopping just behind the black magical girl, Bebe took a very deep breath and blew with all her might. A veritable hailstorm of bubbles flew in May's direction, knocking her off her feet and into a pile of rusted junk. The chains immediately went limp and collapsed, falling into heaps on the floor.

Kyoko calmly walked over to the junk pile, spear still up as the dust began to settle. Mami kept a steady aim in the general direction of where their opponent had fallen, while Bebe watched with curiosity. Did she do well? Was May down for the count? Could she get an extra cheesecake as a reward?

A black gloved hand burst out from beneath the trash, and like a movie zombie climbing out of her grave, May pulled herself out of the rubble, coughing at the oily, rusty stench polluting her senses.

"Ya know there's something I just remembered to ask about right now..."

She looked up to see the sharp end of a spear hanging above her face like Damocles' sword. "Ugh..."

"Where're your CoD goons at, huh? Don't you normally have them shooting up the place for ya?"

May wiped the grime off her face and fixed her sunglasses. "Seeing as your friends had already killed the familiars, I saw no need to ask for their help."

Kyoko snorted. "Too bad, because with this three-on-one, it looks like the odds are squarely against ya!"

The response, a self-assured smirk from the defeated foe, was completely unexpected. May snapped her fingers.

Chains shot out again, but this didn't faze the girls, who proceeded to deflect and deal with them in their own various styles. Rather, it was the sudden report of automatic gunfire that changed the situation entirely. Although no injury was sustained, there was that sudden shock that stunned them just long enough for May to stand up and move a significant distance away.

"It seems you've jinxed your own victory."

Kyoko merely rolled her eyes at the annoying remark and held to a pouncing position, even as the shooting stopped and at least half a dozen black helmets popped out from various tactically advantageous places like higher ground, behind effective cover, and other places that in general surrounded the trio. In particular, a goon in a red-eyed gas mask - rather than the faceless all-concealing visor worn by his comrades - and holding an open pocket watch in his left hand, stepped out from behind the witch.

"What is it with you guys and using that witch as a hiding spot?"

May's smirk turned into a smile as she addressed this newcomer, completely ignoring the comment... "Arriving in the nick of time as always, Kala," The tone was unusually complimentary. Well, unusually complimentary to the girls, at any rate.

"The nick of time is my favourite time of the day," Kala answered, shutting the pocket watch and hanging it on his belt. "I told you something was fishy about this lair, Chief," His voice a deeply modulated rumble that would not have been out of place on an evil overlord. Maybe he was compensating for a nerdy natural voice or something. "Our source says that the girl who patrols this town never waits for the witches to get this many victims into its lair."

Mami's eyebrows furrowed in thought. _Source?_ Were they making use of another magical girl? Who could it be? That was going to be difficult to figure out. Magical girls weren't exactly a community, but they tended to keep an eye on each other, in an opportunistic fashion. The source could have been any of the girls patrolling the towns surrounding Mitakihara.

"Yes, well that's not important anymore," May blew on her fingernails and rubbed them against her coat with nonchalance. "Stall these three. I have to get this witch to more... permanent confinement." She started to walk towards the witch.

"Roger that." Kala nodded in acknowledgement as he stepped forward to confront the crouched Kyoko.

The red lancer only smirked as she faced down the goon in a gas mask, "Yeah, right! Don't you CoD goons know ya don't stand a chance against us? Magical girls are in a completely different league from familiars!"

"Listen to my partner, Kala," That was what he was called, right? Mami kept her aim high, but the finger had yet to be placed on the trigger. Maybe they could talk this one out. "Your Chief might be strong enough to take us on, but you and your men are just going to be throwing away your lives!"

"Trust me, Apple Pie. I know exactly how dangerous your kind is." Kala raised his assault rifle, leveling it at Kyoko's forehead. "And I appreciate your concern, Goldilocks, but-"

"Who're ya callin' 'Apple Pie', Darth Tick-Tock?!" In a split second, Kyoko was already in the air, spear point aimed right at Kala's throat.

The black soldier unleashed a burst of automatic fire before rolling out of the way. Kyoko deflected all the shots easily enough with her spear, landing just to change directions and regain her footing. In no time at all, she was back on his trail and had closed the gap, taking another thrust at his throat.

Left with no recourse, Kala quickly switched his handling of the rifle, using it as a makeshift staff to knock away the incoming spear by the side. If Kyoko was impressed, she didn't say anything about it, and pulled back to strike again.

Kala stepped aside and deflected the spear once more, angling the rifle so that he could shove its stock up at his attacker's chin.

This started a deadly dance of a peculiar rhythm, with thrusts, deflections, and counter attacks coming from both sides, a two-way flurry with a sharp spear on one end and a blunt bludgeon on the other, punctuated by the dull thumping of boots on the rust-covered industrial floor.

Kyoko spat in Kala's "face", the spittle causing just enough pause for the red lancer to thrust her spear tip into the rifle's trigger guard and yank the weapon out of her opponent's grasp. The force sent the rifle flying off into the distance.

"That's it! You're dead meat!"

As she prepared to make the finishing thrust, however, Kyoko was met with another gunshot - the bullet grazing her cheek - as Kala revealed that he had a very quick draw, pulling out both of his side arms and firing them off in quick succession.

"Tch..."

It seemed that with the cumbersome rifle gone, and despite his heavy-looking armour, the black soldier had become far more agile than before. Kala easily dodged each and every swipe and thrust of Kyoko's spear, while occasionally making dangerously precise and well-timed shots to either throw the red lancer off balance, or at least slow down her assault.

Kyoko knew, of course, that he would eventually run out of ammunition. She might not have known a lot about guns, but she was dead certain that reloading would force him into the defensive. She just had to outlast his bullets, and then it was check mate. "Run out yet?"

"Not on your life, Apple Pie!"

"I told you not to call me that!" Kyoko lashed out in anger, not noticing the spent casing sitting on the way. The red lancer slipped as she stepped on the little brass cylinder and fell, her reaction speed only good enough to keep her up on her knees - and fully vulnerable to the enemy.

Kala levelled his right gun with her forehead, preparing for a quick execution shot. And he would have finished her off too, had a pair of golden bolts not blown his pistols out of his hands. Shock quickly fading into action, the black soldier retreated behind a pile of junk to rearm himself. There was more where that came from.

And thus, there was the fact that they weren't the only two fighting. All around them, golden gunshots and lead bullets were flying around - with the occasional bubble blast - as Mami and Bebe squared off with the other five members of the Goon Squad and their fancy shmancy modern automatic weapons.

Now Mami, on the other hand, was very familiar with firearms and the principles behind them. In order to help even the odds, she had to eliminate the things that gave these soldiers the advantage: cover, and elevation. With Bebe projecting bubble shields to protect the two of them from all the combined firepower, Mami first jumped up to a high balcony - with the kid in tow - and from there proceeded to obliterate any cover the enemy could hide behind, using some artillery class guns she kept for special occasions.

Similar to Kyoko, however, the golden musketeer quickly discovered that despite their heavy military issue equipment, these goons moved pretty fast. They must have been real pros, then... Nevertheless, her objective had been achieved. Now, at worst, this could wind up as a stalemate. Their odds were improving, despite the unexpected setback.

"C'mon out ya Hack Commando!" Kyoko slowly walked around the mountain of scrap metal. "Where'd that big talk disappear to, huh?"

"You've got it all wrong." That deep voice came from behind her.

Kyoko spun around and swept her spear with the momentum, hoping to detach that idiot's head from his shoulders. Instead, all she got was air, as Kala leapt back to avoid the swipe.

"I don't talk big. I'd like to think of myself as honest, though: Your sideswipe could use a little work."

"Tch," The red lancer restarted the fight with a thrust, which, much to her surprise, the black soldier almost effortlessly swatted aside with a freshly reloaded handgun. Where'd he pull it from? The extra holsters full of pistols explained much of that. One didn't need magic for extra holsters, after all.

Kala seemed to take his time. More importantly, his pace seemed to have shifted to become more defensive. Not one round had yet to be fired as he continued to deflect the incoming thrusts of Kyoko's spear.

"What, ya run out of bullets, or something?"

"Not really." The black soldier pushed another thrust aside as he stepped back. "I'm just following my orders, and my orders are to disturb you."

"That's probably the dumbest-"

"Kala," The loudness in May's voice called everyone's attention as it echoed from where she stood: on top of the now fully bound and gagged witch. "Finish up here and meet me at HQ."

"Hold it!" With everyone's attention turned to the show-off, Mami took her chance and fired a shot. Maybe, this one would connect.

Though perhaps she shouldn't have shouted as well. Despite the fact that the shot was too quick for her to raise up any chains, May quickly wrapped her hand in them to form a makeshift chainmail glove, with which she deflected the yellow magical bullet. "Better luck next time." With a snap of her fingers, the black magical girl disappeared.

"Well I guess that leaves you and-" Kyoko was unable to finish, however, as Kala delivered a savage kick to her stomach and tossed a black canister into the air. As the device exploded, her vision froze and a loud deafening ringing assaulted her ears, sending her off balance.

When her hearing cleared and the world she could see started moving again, the Goon Squad had completely disappeared, leaving her, Mami, and Bebe either lying or sitting down on the rusty floor, utterly confused.

"... the hell just happened?!"

"Flashbang," Mami helped Bebe up as she shook the last of the flash out of her head. "Overloads your senses with a flash so bright that your vision hangs like a computer, and a bang so loud you lose balance."

Kyoko, meanwhile, helped herself up. Not that she would have it any other way, of course. "Where'd you learn that, CoD?"

"... Wikipedia..."

"Oh, right." Quickly recovering from her daze, however, Kyoko angrily kicked up some rust from the degraded metal floor. "I can't believe it! Those scumbags got away!" As she went on to rant about how they were so close to avenging themselves on the witch-napper, her language grew more and more... colourful.

At which point Mami cleared her throat and gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder, a smile now on her face.

"Why're you so happy? We just got outplayed by a bunch of CoD goons! Random faceless ordinary humans who've got no business kicking that level of ass!"

"Because, my dear partner," Mami's smile turned into a smirk, "I managed to bug her before she got away."

Kyoko raised an eyebrow in confusion at first, but slowly, as the neurons in her brain put things together, and the statement began to make sense, she started to smile as well. "Ya mean that last shot that you got in, right?"

Mami nodded. "Mhm! It was loaded with a special paint that produces a signal trackable by soul gem! Now we can hunt her down the same way we hunt witches."

"Ya know… that's probably the most delicious Irony I've had all day." Kyoko laughed. "Witch-napper is about to get witch-hunted!"

"There is something that concerns me deeply, however..." Bebe said, her eyebrows meeting. "That Kala mentioned something about their 'source'. Someone who is familiar with Mami-san's hunting behaviour. Someone like that is a significant problem for our mission. Shouldn't we find out who this person is first, and then neutralize the threat she poses?"

"Snitch can wait, whoever it is," Kyoko insisted. "We'd better find May's foxhole and kick her ass before she figures out that Mami wasn't playing paintball with her and destroys the paint."

"It doesn't have to be either or." As if to emphasize her point, Mami pounded a fist onto her open palm. "First, we'll find May's hideout. Then we'll go hunt us a snitch. After that, then we can go back and attack May's base."

"And get our witches back."

"Yes, that's right."

"Then what're we waiting for?" Casually slinging her spear over her shoulder, Kyoko started to head for the nearest exit, Mami starting to follow. "Let's blow this joint and find May's secret island lair, or whatever her hideout happens to be!"

"Hey guys...?" Bebe raised her hand as the two partners prepared to move out.

"Yeah…?"

"... Whatever happened to my pizza?"

Mami and Kyoko merely looked at each other, silently asking the other the same question. It was almost as if they were looking to pin the blame on someone who wasn't themselves. But neither had the answer and they only remained quiet as they racked their brains for something to say.

"... Look at it this way, kid... At least the next one is free, right?"

"And I'm sure Kyubey won't get lost," Mami added. "We'll get that pizza eventually."

Bebe merely pouted and crossed her arms. That wasn't going to fly, but she would let it pass... for now.

The trio exited the lair and this time, made sure to place a ward at the entrance. As its owner was still alive, the lair was still a threat, especially the familiars who dwelled within. The ward would at least keep other people from haplessly getting drawn into it. So that was one less thing to worry about as they took the next steps to solving this mystery.

* * *

Meanwhile, at a Pizza Hutt in Takibara, a little girl with big brown doe-like goo-goo eyes stood in line waiting for her turn to make her order. On her shoulder sat a little white rabbit-cat thing. _"Say, Kyubey?"_ Now she was using telepathy not because it was convenient, but because if all these people saw her talking to thin air, they might have her confined to the nearest mental institution, and thus she wouldn't be able to buy the pizza.

_"Yes, Miyuki?"_

Miyuki swallowed a lump in her throat as another customer finished their order and her position in the line advanced. _"Why are we getting a pizza again?"_

_"It's a special request from Mami. Her new friend has... special needs... needs which involve a four-cheese pizza."_ Kyubey continued to stare blankly into the space in front of him.

_"I see... She doesn't have the munchies, does she?"_

_"The munchies?"_ The rabbit-cat thing turned to face his "vehicle".

_"Oh, um... It's uhh... Why don't you go and google it? You know what Google is, right?"_

_"Is there a problem with you explaining what the munchies are?"_

Miyuki slowly turned to look the other way, as if she were a guilty crook caught in the act. _"Ahh... I just think it's really embarrassing. Just google it..."_

_"If you say so..."_

To think that a simple trip to buy a simple pizza would take such an unusual turn, the incubator made sure to mentally note to look up "the munchies" on Google. And it certainly couldn't hurt. After all, he'd already discovered the very useful CoD from Google. It was most definitely a "gold mine" of information, as humans called it.

* * *

AN: Phew, finished in a few days. I'm really on a roll this time. Hope I can keep it up. Will the girls find out who the snitch is? Will Kyubey be sure to deliver that pizza and remember that the next one is free? Will he google up the munchies and include it in his evil plan (what counts for one, anyway)? And what's up with the goon squad? Find out next time!

Oh, and don't forget to review. Your feedback is very much appreciated!


	7. THIS ONE'S ON THE HOUSE

**AN: **So it's been a few months, but I think I've got a rhythm going. Here's an early Christmas present. Many thanks to my dedicated beta, Magical girl4!

**Disclaimer: **Meduka Meguca is the property of Gen, SHAFT, and Coobie. I've run out of witty things to say about this…

* * *

**VI. THIS ONE'S ON THE HOUSE**

"We're getting warmer..." Mami's eyebrows furrowed as she watched the soul gem's brightness intensify. Soon, they would find the location of the Imperative base. The sun had long gone down, and the trio looked rather out of place, wandering the streets of Mitakihara at night in their school uniform. The intensity in the senior's eyes nicely complemented the reflected light of the soul gem as she stared into the shining jewel, not that her two associates would know that, of course.

"Say, Mami," Kyoko said, Pocky hanging in her mouth arms behind her reclining head. "How can ya be sure this is the base's signal, and not a witch?"

"It's really elementary..."

For a moment, Kyoko pictured her former mentor wearing a deerstalker cap and smoking a pipe, "Oh yeah?"

"Mhm. Pull out your soul gems. I made sure to wire the signal to mine and mine alone. If your gems are also glowing, then it's a witch. If they aren't, then it's the base."

The two girls did as instructed. "Pray tell then, Mami-san," Bebe scratched her head at what she was seeing, "What does it mean if ours are glowing as well, but not as brightly as yours?"

"That just means there's a witch within detection range... But the base is much closer."

Kyoko smirked. "Sweet, so, after we find the base, let's go kill us a witch for dinner!"

"... It could even give us another opportunity to face May, although I would really prefer that we come up with another plan to deal with her."

A snort came from the red lancer. "Here's an idea... why don't _we_ interrupt _her_ while she's in the middle of catching a witch?"

"I have concerns about those soldiers... They were unusually fast, considering their heavy equipment." Bebe absentmindedly dipped her finger into a jar of Cheez Whiz that they'd bought from a convenience store along the way.

"Pshaw. Like you would know how fast a CoD goon is supposed to be." Kyoko gave her a pat on the head. "What, do ya spend your free time watching war movies or something?"

"War films aren't necessarily my favourite genre, no."

"Anyway, the answer's obvious. They're hopped up on some kind of super steroid magic potion thing-er that May created."

"I didn't notice them having particularly bulging musculature..."

"Look, kid, do ya see any bulging biceps on Mami or me?"

As if to make sure for herself, Bebe did in fact look back and forth between her two seniors, carefully examining them before reaching her conclusion. "Well... you certainly don't have any bulging biceps..." She smirked as she put another dollop of Cheez Whiz into her mouth. "But Mami-san certainly has a noticeable bulge or two on her person."

A bead of sweat rolled down the side of Kyoko's head. "... See this is why being intelligent for your age isn't necessarily a good thing." If anything, that joke sounded like something that sake-chugging idiot Natsuko would say.

"Guys!" Any further discussion on the secret behind the Goon Squad's unusual abilities would have to be put on hold; however, as a burst of light from Mami's soul gem brought her to a stop... Looking up, her eyes widened as she realized she was looking at a disturbingly familiar view.

"So... are ya _sure_ you haven't met her before? Like maybe during lunch time, or after class?" Kyoko could only whistle as she stared up at the front facade of Mitakihara Middle School.

"I'm pretty sure..."

"So May goes to the same school as Mami-san?" Bebe raised an eyebrow as she thought. "This is certainly quite the twist."

"I'll be the first to say it," Kyoko reloaded her pocky, "... didn't see that one coming."

"There must be some mistake," Mami shook the soul gem in disbelief, "If she was imprisoning all the witches somewhere in the school, then I'd have picked them up long ago..." She massaged her temples and tried to calm herself down. "No, I got it. It's possible she already figured the paint trick out and smeared it on the school to throw us off. Or she's already done with the base and is here for some other reason."

"Ya give her too much credit, Mami." Kyoko snorted. "If she could be overconfident enough to fall for your last plan - err, that's if ya didn't screw it up yourself - then she can't be smart enough to figure out that magic paintball is actually trackable fluid."

The sudden opening of the school's front door - an eerie sight on the completely darkened campus devoid of human life - had the girls jump behind a nearby bush. They lay there quietly, still as three blind mice as they waited for what would happen next.

Slowly, several sets of footsteps began to echo down the entrance hall. Mami held her breath as the figures finally emerged from the front door...

A dark ponytail, followed by several black helmets, and...

A blonde ahoge...?

No. It couldn't have been.

"So long as you continue to provide us with accurate information, we will uphold our end of the bargain."

Mami squinted as she waited for the response. The owner of the blonde ahoge, however, remained silent. Perhaps she was upset? Or perhaps one of the girls had made a noise and now everybody was quiet? This was bad.

"I don't expect you to like, or even appreciate what we are doing." the ponytail went on, accompanied by the sound of rustling pockets. "However, you at least understand that you are in no position to refuse working with us. I don't require your loyalty. Your cooperation will suffice."

More silence on the other end of the conversation.

"That will be all." The darker-coloured hair and helmets marched back into the school building, as the golden cowlick proceeded in the opposite direction.

After the front door slid shut, half a minute went by before any of the three said a thing.

"That scummy backstabbing little..." Kyoko growled, tightening her fist. "I knew there was something off about her! She's the one who sold us out!"

"No, there's something wrong here..." Mami folded her hands together and began to think.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Easy for you to say, she's your mentor so ya _have_ to defend her! I mean, who else would know your hunting behavior that well, right?"

"I know. I know. Just let me think-"

"What's there to think about?" Kyoko threw her arms up even as Bebe reopened her jar of Cheez Whiz. "We go back to her place, threaten to rip her a new one if she doesn't come clean, find out everything she knows that they know, then bust her place up to make sure she doesn't fuck with us ag-"

Bebe cleared her throat. "Don't you think that's being a little bit excessive...? From the way the meeting went, it appears their agreement is not quite a bilateral one."

"It's possible that she's caved under some sort of pressure, yes..." Mami continued to go through her thoughts.

"Fine, so let's say she _is_ being forced to work with them. She's still working with them."

"Perhaps we could turn her around somehow or... At the very least, however, we need to have her come clean, and forcing her to do so would only put her on the defensive."

Kyoko rolled her eyes. "Lemme guess, you're gonna verbally trick her into outing herself or something."

"If the opportunity presents itself."

"I concur!"

"Dammit, kid, stop talking like Mr. Spock. It's freaking me out." Kyoko stood up and stretched. Bebe only giggled. "Anyway, let's blow this joint. I'm startin' to feel like they're watching us with hidden security cameras or something."

"... Yes, that was careless of us." Mami glanced up at the once comforting image of the school. Suddenly, it didn't feel so safe. "Let's go before we find out if that really is the case."

The trio hurried off the school grounds and onto the main street, heading back towards Mayuri's house.

"So..." Kyoko glanced at her watch. It was starting to get late. Fortunately, weekends were two days long, and even better, Monday was a holiday. That was more than enough time to finish this… maybe.

"Yes?"

"What's on your mind?"

"Just trying to take this in..." Mami's voice oozed with melancholy. "That and I guess reminiscing about my training days."

"Hey," Kyoko put a reassuring hand on her senior's shoulder. "I said I wasn't gonna ask about that. No need to tell if ya don't want to."

Mami smiled, if weakly. "Yes, you did say that... but perhaps it's better if I shared it."

"As long as it's comin' from you," Kyoko snorted. "Don't blame me if ya regret that later."

"Oh, don't worry about that..."

"I have made no such promise, Mami-san," Bebe proudly announced. "And you have my curiosity piqued. Do tell us of your training under this teacher of yours. It's a long way to her place, after all."

Mami sighed. "Very well... I guess we can pass the time with that... So listen well." She waved her hand in the air, as if trying to prompt a wishy washy wobbly visual effect that marked the transition to a flashback... "She was a very hands-off mentor. I mean, yes, she'd give me advice, and maybe perform some kind of strategic action that would make things easier, but she never once directly assisted me in a fight."

* * *

Mami rolled out of the way of the witch's attack, a strange projectile that resembled a flower with pencil erasers for petals. In less than a second, she was back on her feet, springing up to the top of a low tower and retaliating with a short burst of several shots fired in quick succession.

The magical bullets never struck their target, as the witch disappeared into a garden of its pencil flowers.

Mami swiftly jumped towards a different vantage point, firing another burst as soon as she saw the witch. Again it buried itself in a pile of its own bullets.

"Sensei," She called out, "It keeps hiding in those flowers!"

In a comfortable area of the art deco-themed lair, neither too close to the action nor too far to be out of earshot, Mayuri Chiba sat at a posh alabaster table, having a tea party with the witch's familiars. Apparently, it was to keep them distracted and allow Mami to focus on fighting the witch. To be fair, it seemed to be working quite well, as the pencils with flower petals sticking out of where the eraser would be, were in fact, also sitting down to tea. "Bloody 'ell, it's makin' like a tur'le!. Lure i' back aaaht wiv some bait."

"Bait…? Like what?"

"Ding dong if I know! Use yer Watch!" Mayuri took a sip and poured more tea for her unusual party guests, who seemed more than happy to indulge in the delicious treat.

"... My watch?"

"Yeah, the one tickin' inside yer Loaf!"

"Uhh... my Loaf?"

"Yeah! The one si'ing on yer Noddy Holders!"

"R... Right..." Mami looked at the witch buried in pencil-ey flowers, then at Mayuri with the flowery pencils. Then the pencil-ey flowers, then the flowery pencils. She racked her brains for a solution.

She needed bait...

Five seconds later, Mami was sitting at the tea party and pouring herself a cup.

"Takin' a time out, ah we?"

"Just using my watch, Sensei," Mami took a sip, if she understood the context right, then it probably somehow referred to her brain. Mayuri only smirked in response and offered milk and sugar.

Half a minute later, the witch emerged from its hiding spot and floated up to the table, reaching out for an extra teacup with a tentacle that resembled tape measure. Mayuri went ahead and poured it some tea, like the rest of her guests. Sadly, the witch didn't get to savour the flavour of the Assam. Mami had ended the tea party early by shoving a Tiro Finale up the creature's skirt while it was distracted with putting sugar in its tea.

* * *

"She called me out for blowing up one of her favourite teacups, but congratulated me in the end for my creative thinking," Mami concluded the anecdote with a pleasant chuckle.

"And for figuring out that she probably meant your brain, huh?" Kyoko snickered.

"Yes, I eventually learned to decode some of her slang," Mami whipped out a little yellow notebook and skimmed through the pages. It was a translation key of sorts, a Rosetta stone that helped bridge the gap between what Mayuri was saying and what she really meant. "You actually need to understand English to get it."

"Oh?"

"Mayuri-sensei speaks a kind of slang found in Britain, where a word is substituted with a word or phrase that rhymes with it."

"Yeah, except even when you say it in English, there's no way that 'watch' and 'brain' rhyme at all." Kyoko wasn't a master of English, but she was pretty sure that those two sounded nothing alike.

"That's because it's a shortened version of a phrase, 'watch and chain', which does rhyme with 'brain'."

"I sure could use a bite of Poked right about now," Bebe moaned as they prepared to cross the street.

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" Kyoko raised an eyebrow as she turned to face the little girl, arms behind her head as she walked backwards towards the crossing. "Wait, wait... You're not trying out that stupid Count Draculoli slang, are ya?"

Bebe grinned.

"She's only ever asked for cheese," Mami thought aloud, "So it must be something that rhymes with cheese somehow..."

"Hey, here's an idea. How's about we stop messing with this wacky code lingo before I get a brain fart trying to decode what it-" Kyoko almost jumped out of her shorts as a loud horn blared out in three quick pulses. Just like ghosts from out of nowhere, a convoy of orange and white trucks suddenly appeared from around the corner and sped down the road.

"There they go again..." Mami only shook her head as Bebe grabbed Kyoko by the hand to keep her from falling onto the road.

Kyoko, meanwhile, decided to shake an angry fist. "Goddamn! They just don't know when to quit!"

Mami cleared her throat. "In any case, another notable thing about Mayuri-sensei is how she values tea very much... it really showed during her training."

* * *

Mami strained under the challenge of the handstand that she had been tasked with doing. Slowly, she raised her right arm, doing everything in her power to maintain her balance even on one hand. Her legs cast a shadow on her head as they slowly parted, each foot holding up a teacup on a saucer. In front of her sat a teapot, the malty aroma of the Assam wafting up into her nose as she tried to reach up for the saucer on her left foot.

"Tick-tock, Luv," Sitting at the garden set in front of her student, Mayuri Chiba dropped some sugar into her tea. "Ye 'ave ta pour ahht both cups uv Rosie before the Dickory 'its five minutes."

"Y... Yes, Sensei!" A lone bead of sweat slowly made its way down from her forehead to her chin as she carefully tightened her fingers on the saucer and started to lower it onto the green grass.

"R'memba. Even if it's Assam, no Rosie wants t' be left steepin' fer an' all long. Go'a trea' 'er wiv respect!"

Mami tipped the teapot over, fragrant black liquid flowing into the teacup. She savoured that malty scent before setting the pot back down and bringing the teacup back up to her foot. "I really appreciate how you're teaching me two things at once, Sensei." She then began to do the same with the other teacup. "How to balance myself and how to brew tea..."

"Geoff for a cuppa Rosie's wot turned Dear Ol' Blighty into the world's biggest empire, tha'. 'course it's worf includin' in the lesson." The goth loli stood up from her seat and took the second cup after Mami filled it. "Ye want some Lady wiv tha'?"

"I'd like some in mine, yes..."

"Then Bob Murray up an' get back on yer Plates. We're burnin' daylight 'ere."

The loud crash of breaking porcelain echoed throughout the garden. Mami, having forgotten that she still had one teacup on her foot, had taken the advice a bit too literally and gotten up without setting it down yet. The tea almost splashed her sensei. "Ahh..."

"The bleedin' donald duck is wrong wiv ye, Saucepan?!" Mayuri exploded out as she watched the black liquid soak into the ground. She began to head to the house's front door. "Don't come back inside until ye've cleaned up tha' Elliot! And when ye do, expect a real thorough spankin'!

* * *

"... Spanking..." Kyoko shook her head as she tried to keep the mental image out of her mind. "What the hell."

"I believe it to be a rather appropriate form of punishment for someone who was being careless," Bebe nodded to herself.

Mami blushed. "Well... yes. All things considered, it was part of her second favourite set. I was lucky to get off with only a... spanking..."

"Really finding it hard to imagine a teenager getting her ass whupped by a little kid," Kyoko led the way up that hill to Mayuri's house. Already she could see the orange glow of that stupid Halloween atmosphere that pervaded the lot despite it being the middle of spring. "Musta been real humiliating."

"Personally, yes." Mami nodded. "But at least nobody else knows about it..."

"With the exception of us, of course," Bebe pointed out.

"Eh, don't worry about it," Kyoko once again crossed her arms behind her head as a makeshift headrest. "We ain't telling a soul."

"Thanks, guys..." Mami opened the gate and stepped into the garden. The acrid stench of smoke filled her nose.

"Ugh, what the hell is that... she trying to have a barbecue or something?"

"Something's wrong." Without another word, Mami transformed and rushed to follow the column of smoke to the back yard.

Kyoko and Bebe looked at each other before nodding in acknowledgement and following suit.

Burning behind the old wooden Victorian house was a large pile of furniture, many of which were more likely than not antiques of great value. Mayuri Chiba emerged from the back door, dragging a grand piano by one leg - a feat that would look ridiculous to anyone who didn't know that this little girl was magically strong enough to lift something as big as a grand piano. With a mighty spin, she tossed the instrument into the blaze, much to her former student's horror.

"S... Sensei! What are you doing?!"

Mayuri turned to see three magical girls all transformed and ready to fight. "Oh. Din't see ye lot there. I'm just 'avin me a Klaus for the evenin'." She took in a whiff of the smoke. "Mmm, smell tha' apple wood!"

Kyoko raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that way too much for a..." She turned over to Mami and whispered, "What the hell is a "Klaus"?"

Mami flipped through her notes before running her finger under the particular phrase, "A barbecue."

"... Oh." The red lancer cleared her throat. "Yeah, ain't that way too much wood for a barbecue?"

Mami coughed as she waved the smoke away. "Sensei never has been a good cook, I've got to admit."

"If the smell is any indication, she's probably burned the meat already." Bebe sniffed the air, resulting in a fit of coughing. "To a crisp, I might add."

"Oi, if yer jus' gonna knock on i', a' least 'ave the courtesy to do i' behind me 'ammer."

"But really, Sensei," Mami crossed her arms. "I'm not buying this barbecue thing. If something's going on, you can tell us."

"Unless you're like, trying to hide it from us or something," Kyoko's voice dripped with accusation.

"Now wha' in the blazes would I be 'idin from ye lot?"

"I dunno." Kyoko shrugged. "Maybe a secret meeting with the Witchinator, telling her stuff about us so that they can kick our asses even if we successfully ambush them~?" She finished up with a knowing smirk.

Mayuri huffed in apparent resignation. "I knew the air was a bi' too 'umid a' the school for just us."

"Sensei..." The disappointment in Mami's voice was evident.

"They were threat'nin' to destroy me 'ole Grief stash. Years of 'ard work!"

"Ya sold us out for your stash of Grief seeds?" Kyoko visibly shook as she held herself back.

"No' just any ol' stash o' Grief, Rugrat, tha's me business capital! No' two, or free, or five! No' even a Country Cousin! 'undreds!"

Kyoko growled and picked up the little girl by the collar. "Why you little...!" Sure, Kyoko could understand backstabbing some random girls over "hundreds" of Grief Seeds. After all, just this afternoon, she too was willing to let a girl die to save one Seed. And Bebe would have, were it not for Mami's idealistic generosity. But this was different. She was supposed to be Mami's mentor. They spent over a year together. How could you work with someone for over a year, presumably becoming good friends like that, and just write her off over Grief Seeds?

"This tells us nothing of the true reasons behind the so-called barbecue, though," Bebe turned her attention to the pyre, almost as if the confrontation didn't bother her too much. "It doesn't add up..."

"Kyoko, put her down. I'm sure there's an explan-"

"To hell with the explanations!" Kyoko's eyes shot spears into the little countess, who looked back down at her accuser with an icy red stare. "She's going down!"

"Ye'll never ge' a cleaner shot, Rugrat." Despite the apparent surrender, there was a certain subtle defiance in her voice, if only from its calm monotone state.

"Kyoko, please...!"

"Whose side are you on anyway?!"

"I..." Mami looked down, abashed at the implication. For a few moments, there was only an awkward silence.

"Ye really should simmer down," Mayuri shrugged, her words almost nonchalant. "If anythin', I've 'elped ye out by tellin' em Petrina was in Fukuoka."

"What?" Kyoko blinked, bewildered at the seemingly random comment. What did that have to do with selling them out?

"Did ye really think I'd sell ye out just 'cos they threatened me stash? Any entrepreneur worth 'er salt should know 'ow to box clever."

"... Who the hell is Petrina?"

Mami too seemed just as confused as her eyebrows furrowed, wondering if the topic had somehow changed midsentence, or if they were even still discussing the same thing. "Sensei, that's not the info leak we're suspecting you of..."

"Then wha' in the blazes did ye think I told 'em, eh?" Mayuri raised an eyebrow, placing her hands on her hips, despite her difficult position of being suspended by her collar.

"We thought that you informed them of Mami-san's hunting habits," Bebe continued to stare at the pile of priceless antiques as they went up in smoke. "But as I said, you still have to explain this 'barbecue' of yours."

"Never even asked me 'bout ye." Mayuri waved off the issue. "They probably don't even know we're connected. And that Klaus is me ge'in rid o' potentially bugged furniture. Went to the Lolli to ge' me some Lilley, came back to find the Bobby was tampered with."

"So you're just gonna burn everything." Still confused, Kyoko decided it was best to just set the girl down before she got a headache listening to this disjointed narrative. Not to mention the fact that she had no idea where Mayuri went, what she went to get, or what she found to have been tampered with when she got home.

"Be'er safe than sorry, Rugrat."

"Isn't that a bit too much, Sensei...?" Mami motioned for Bebe to go inside and get some drinks. The little cheese-a-holic did as instructed.

"Ye can buy many antiques if ye look in the right Drums and 'ave enough Bees t' throw 'round."

Perhaps the reason why Mayuri grated on her so much, Kyoko figured, aside from being an annoying little brat, was the amount of obstructive slang that poured out whenever she opened her mouth. Even granted Mami's translating prowess, the language was so bizarre that it kept distracting her from the actual meaning. So instead of following this alien conversation, she decided to once again try to steer the subject to something she found more interesting. "So who the hell is Petrina?"

Mayuri sighed and headed for the back door. "C'mon in, we're be'er off talkin' 'bout i' indoors."

Indeed, most of the furniture had already been fed to the flames, and the old Victorian house that once felt haunted with an aging collection of artefacts, now just felt cold and empty. Where there was furniture at all, it was now a bunch of cheap prefab items. The round heavy mahogany table in the kitchen was replaced with a white IKEA dining table that looked just slightly flimsy.

The little countess motioned for the two to sit down as Bebe came back with glasses of water. "Petrina is a witch. To be more specific, the most _pathetic_ excuse for a witch I ever laid me Minces on."

"Define 'most pathetic'," Kyoko emphasised with air quotes, "Is it like, the polar opposite of a Walpurgisnacht?"

"Ain't that the truth?" Mayuri chuckled. "This hag ain't even worth the effort to kill, even poster girl wannabes like Mami 'ere wouldn't wanna bother 'unting it down."

"I don't know, Sensei..." Mami's eyebrows furrowed some more. "Every witch we've ever encountered was dangerous, even seemingly harmless ones. Surely, if May takes an interest in Petrina, it has to pose some kind of threat."

"The Nun and I've studied tha' Bobbie for well over a year. It's completely 'armless." Mayuri waved it off, as if that would settle the issue, "Bu' tha's exactly wha' flu'ers me dovecots!"

"I'm guessing that last part means 'bothered you'," Kyoko might not have gotten the tiny little details, but at least she could understand the context, "That these guys would threaten to destroy your Grief stash just to get you to give them dirt on some totally harmless witch."

"Quite right," Mayuri nodded as she took a sip of her water. "Chances are they know something abou' it that we don't. And that's why I sent them all the way down south to Fukuoka."

Kyoko smirked, "You crazy bitch. So obviously, the next move is to find it and kill it before they can kidnap it."

"Isn't Fukuoka way too far, though? It might not take them long to figure out that you gave them the wrong coordinates." Mami stood up and checked the kitchen to see if the tea set had been spared from the fire. Indeed, the little cupboard seemed to be the only thing left. "Which I suspect is the reason they potentially bugged the house." She proceeded to make a pot of Assam.

Bebe watched the blonde senior as she handled the steeping, from the amount of leaves, to the state of the bubbles in the water when she drew it. "In that case, it would be best if the true location of Petrina be disclosed elsewhere, or at the very least, in a coded fashion, should you choose to do so here."

Mayuri hummed quietly to herself, thinking over the idea before finally settling on an answer. She placed her hands on the table. "Yeah, ye're be'er off finding out abou' it once you're on the way, 'ead over to the John Station and look for me 'andmaid once she stops Piping, gotta watch out for 'er bodyguard, though. Tha' one's something of a nutter for superior firepower."

"And how much is this gonna cost us?"

It was Mayuri's turn to smirk. "Goin' after me stash, they made it personal. This one's on the house, now, 'owabout we 'ave us a cuppa Rosie before ye go?"

As if on cue, Mami served the tea. It was a quiet experience, perhaps because of all the tension. They would make some small talk, and little else, thanks to their fear of letting slip any important details. The preceding meeting had been borderline disastrous. Mayuri had apparently been so confident in her cleanup that she openly discussed Petrina, until Bebe had finally called attention to the possibility that she missed some bugs. Not that the small talk was any better, because of all the impenetrable slang Mayuri used. In the end, Kyoko gave up trying to understand the little countess' bizarre dialect and left it at that. They parted on relatively solemn terms.

It was when they were almost at the train station that anyone spoke up. "She treats priceless antiques as disposable, and hires bodyguards for her handmaid. Seriously, Mami, is she an actual count?"

Mami shook her head. "Sensei lives alone. That's probably not what she meant by it."

"What, so you mean she knows a so-called 'handmaid' and a so-called 'bodyguard'?"

"It's not that... It's just... phrased awkwardly." Mami browsed the pages of her notebook.

"Eh?" Kyoko raised an eyebrow.

"Bodyguard was used in a straight sense. Going through this, the best I can get is... 'Look for my Sea once she stops Crying'."

"Perhaps she wants us to search for a picture of the sea, or a sea deity... Is there a myth of Ryujin or Suijin crying?" Bebe stroked her chin as she thought more deeply of the puzzle.

"Don't look at me," Kyoko raised her hands in defense. "I slept through literature class."

"Hmm..." Mami stared hard enough at her notes that she might have burned a hole through the notebook if she had the appropriate superpower. "Sea, Cry, Sea, Cry, Sea, Cry..."

Kyoko looked around at any posters. The most relevant thing she could see was a poster promoting the upcoming summer and a beach trip. "Sure would be great to have some seafood at a beach shack right about now. Enjoying the char roasted fish while the second course cooks over the coal, and the waves crash in the background..."

"That's it!" Mami slammed a fist into her palm.

"What's it?"

"The sound of the sea! Uminari!" The senior pointed at the last stop on the rail line. "She wants us to look in Uminari!"

"So the 'bodyguard' is probably the local girl." Kyoko rolled her eyes. "Great. We're gonna have to negotiate with a gung-ho gun nut."

"Doesn't that sound like a combination of character traits from the both of you?" Bebe asked as she searched for the shortest ticket booth line.

"I wouldn't exactly call myself a gun nut..." Mami sweat dropped, "But I do know my firearms."

"And I don't think..." Kyoko paused for just a second. "Actually, sure, I'm totally gung ho. But I don't fight if it means wasting my energy."

Mami cleared her throat. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, though, our next stop is Uminari!"

* * *

"Just between you and me, Cubes," Sayakaroxxorz pumped a shotgun and blasted the cardboard target, leaving a sizeable chunk of the torso area missing, "That Groundhog really creeps me out. She almost never says anything, and when she does, it makes the Cheif sound like a freaking fillibuster."

"So you mean to say that she is frugal with words." QB fired a grenade, completely disintegrating his target.

"In terms of talkativeness, she only ranks above d00m, who's like, totally quiet." The blue assault trooper blew a hole in another target, this time the blast hitting closer to the centre. "Frickachu doesn't count, cos even though his mic's broken or whatever, he keeps blabbing off with that in-game radio chatter. Well I dunno if it's a he or a she, or a Skynet or something, broken mic and all, same for d00m."

QB switched to his "And what about Pawncher? You two always seem to be at each other's throats."

"She's one of my two BFF's from school. The other one's not into this sort of thing, though." Sayaka decapitated the next target, by virtue of completely blasting its head off. "But Pawncher...! Man was I surprised when she ended up getting really into this, _and_ being a natural, especially since she's probably the girliest of us three. Ooh, look at me, I'm in the Tea Ceremony Club~!"

"I see."

"The one really pulling her weight around though is Nano," she reloaded before switching to a machete and chopping up some dummy attack dogs. "Never seen a girl so into this kinda game, it's like she was born with that rocket launcher in her hand or something. We've played other teams before. Not pros, but darn if she can't make one of the most difficult weapons in the game look like a noob crutch. She waxed those guys left and right!"

"Would you consider her the top player?"

"Heck should I know." Had such an emote existed, Sayaka would have shrugged. "Everyone's got their ups and downs. But I'd put her in the top four, along with Cheif, d00m, and Groundhog. That said, she's definitely the most talkative of that group."

"Yes, it very much shows her enthusiasm..."

"Heh, look at me," she snorted. "I've like, only been playing this thing for three and a half weeks and yet I'm giving the new guy the team tour. Guess that makes me less of a noob now. Anyway, what about you? Why'd you get into this?"

"Serendipity."

Sayaka chuckled. "Yeah, you'll have to be more specific."

"I was researching a tangentially-related topic, when an associate of mine mentioned this game. When I asked her about it, she insisted I look it up for myself."

"Aaand now you're saddled in with a rag-tag bunch of amateurs gunning for the Pro Leagues. Yep, life has that funny habit of throwing curveballs your way." Sayaka headed for the weapons closet, only for a white and blue Suppression trooper to back into the way.

"Hi, guys! How do you use the weapon locker?"

Sayaka sighed. "Sailor, we've been over this. Forward is W for a keyboard, or moving the left joystick up for a controller."

"I know, but my cat messed up my controls when I was adjusting them!"

If there was a face palm emote in this game, Sayaka would have used it. "Don't you know anyone who's good with computers?"

"I have this one classmate..."

"Then get them to help you out. I'll email you the standard setup." Sayaka was beginning to wonder how this clueless girl even knew how to switch on voice chat despite not knowing how to move forward.

"Oh, okay." Sailor backed around until she finally faced the locker. "So how do you use this?"

Watching two, QB came to certain conclusions. Sayaka seemed to be just a nice, helpful girl, who had a silly side, and potential subconscious dislike for her so-called friend. Why, after all, would they consistently kill each other in this combat simulator? This would be useful in the future, after they contracted. Sailor, on the other hand, had a strange, myopic sort of mental illness that vastly impaired her ability to operate technology, which could easily be a source of despair. Of course the question was whether she would make an effective enough magical girl to become a worthwhile witch to begin with.

Even as he prepared to log out, however, another white and blue soldier - this one with a rocket launcher visibly strapped to the back - burst into the room with an excited sort of air. "Guys, guess what!"

Sayaka blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "You found your missing ferret."

"No, but I feel like he'll show up any day now," NanoHAH! turned to face the rest of the group. "This is really big, so I've been running around telling the whole Team about it... "

"Your mom gave you the okay to get a second ferret?" Apparently, the issue of the ferret was an infectious one, as Sailor chimed in as well.

"Guys, I'm serious. Knock it off with the ferret talk. C.C.C.'s taken us up on our challenge!"

Immediately, the air around the two other players changed. For QB, it registered as a certain surprise in their voices as they spoke...

"C.C.C.? Are you freaking kidding me?" Sayaka pumped her shotgun and fired up into the ceiling, as if celebrating something.

"They were always turning us down... That's..." the disbelief in Sailor's voice was blatant.

"What is C-3?" a reasonable question from the newest member of Team Ahnenerbe.

"C.C.C. stands for 'c4ptäincrakkerjacx'," NanoHAH! explained, sending QB an image of a logo. "It's spelled C-C-C, but pronounced C-3, funny enough. Anyway, C.C.C. is a pro team based in our prefecture. Good track record, and they've slowly climbed the ranks over the past couple years."

"And our challenge..?"

"That if we could come out on top after a 1-hour game with them, they'd introduce us to a sponsor that _might_ back us in the Pro Leagues if they're impressed enough." Sayaka went on. "And that's why it's such a gamble. Even if we come out on top, there's no guarantee we'll get sponsorship."

NanoHAH! stepped up to the shooting range and completely obliterated her target. "Which is why when we fight, we have to completely steamroll them."

"Seriously, I've got a sudden pile of homework this week," Sailor complained. "What kind of timing is that? I won't be able to practice..."

To QB, that was the sound of opportunity knocking. "Would you wish for that homework to go away?"

"You have a really strange liking for 'wishful thinking', don't you, Cubes?" Sayaka laughed.

"She won't have to wish for it," NanoHAH! smirked behind her screen. "Guys, we're spending the rest of the weekend at Sailor's and helping her finish her homework!"

The resounding applause was strangely deafening.

* * *

She was sure there was no morphine in her blood today. The crazy doctor for once had the sense not to pump it into her for some reason or another. However, despite the fact that she was 99% sure of the truth of this claim, something was bothering her...

Why was she lying down in bed, at 3AM, with the lights off, and her eyes as wide open as she was wide awake?

Was she suffering from sleep paralysis? No. She had just pinched her cheek to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Were she paralyzed, she would helplessly lie in bed - just as wide awake - until she started hallucinating of scary things, like a onryou sitting like a dead weight on her chest and staring at her like she was in some horror movie.

Five minutes in, and no such hallucinations had manifested. She had made sure to count the time as she stared blankly at the dark ceiling. Ergo, she was definitely neither suffering from sleep paralysis, nor hallucinating from morphine.

But that still didn't answer the most bothering puzzle of why she was awake. What had roused her from her slumber? She had just been dreaming about getting caught in a zombie apocalypse and joining other survivors as they hid in a circus tent. Most of the zombies, funny enough, resembled those jerks who'd bullied her back in her old school. She couldn't remember their names, just their faces... yes, even when mutilated by deadness. People remembered the silliest things.

And then, for absolutely no particular reason, the survivor who was a teacher declared a pop quiz, and everybody sat down, even the zombies. The pop quiz..? About some alleged fringe subject known as "quantum dramatophobics". Which of course, now being awake, she was pretty sure didn't exist and was conjured from whole cloth by her hyperactive, subconscious imagination.

How embarrassing it was that even the braindead zombies knew the answers to the completely nonsensical questions. Like "what is the quantum-dramatic drift of a famous purple stuffed worm in flap jaw space carrying a tuning fork with an initial value of hara-kiri"? Despite her seemingly sensible answer of "I need scissors 61", she was checked wrong, because the answer was in fact a "raw blink of 61".

The zombies laughed at her when she ended up scoring the lowest on the test. That was when the bullets began to fly and skulls began to crack as the survivors started shooting and beating the things with various blunt instruments. Not because they were zombies, but because they made fun of her. How satisfying that must have been. Perhaps the obvious power fantasy was what finally brought her to her senses and made her realize that she was dreaming. Nobody would ever protect her from bullying.

It didn't really happen too often before. But those few incidents, she had taken quietly. Turn the other cheek, as has been taught to her since she was smaller. She didn't expect any help, as it was her burden, she thought. And indeed, no help came.

In a way, the progression of her sickness was something of a blessing in disguise - ironically provoked by one last bullying incident - as she was confined indefinitely. Perhaps it was better that way.

_"Do you really think so?"_

And that was when the voice returned.

That was what woke her up. And now, eyes wide open, as the memory began to return, she turned her head to the side to once again check the digital clock. 3:33 AM, it said in red LCD text. Had that much time already flown? How could it take so much time to reminisce a dream that felt like it went by so quickly?

But that wasn't what was so bothersome. It was the fact that sitting behind the clock was a small, shadowy figure, which rapped on the top of the alarm clock as if to try to fix it. The LCD display shook, and the numbers changed. 4:44 AM, it now said.

Was that... a gremlin?

_"Hmm... Yes, you really should get this thing fixed. The actual time is 3:11 AM."_

Her eyes widened until they might have been the size of saucers. There was no question now. She had not been dreaming. Or maybe she had been, but the voice was as real as things got, and had the power to seep into her dreams. Regardless, the voice was real, and it also had a form. What it was, exactly, was not clear. From what she could tell, it seemed to take on a shape resembling a goat head.

Lovely… So she was being visited by Baphomet.

She bleated.

_"What are you doing?"_

"Sorry... I just... umm..." She was trying to deflate the sickening sinking feeling that was slowly welling up in her gut at the moment. What better way than to mock the object of terror, yes?

_"You wished to speak with me in 'real life'. So here I am."_ The voice was not so much smug as it was straight to the point. _"Would you like to resume our conversation?"_

"... I'm... sorry... What were we talking about again?" She started to grope around the side table for her glasses.

_"You're saying you forgot?"_

"Humans tend to forget their dreams in a few days, even the most vivid ones. Waking experiences are far more concrete and memorable, after all."

_"Then let me jog your memory. We were discussing the nature of suffering."_

Her hand found her glasses. She slowly sat up as she put them on. "Ah, yes." No good. Even sitting up straight and with her glasses, she could still see no better than a silhouette that vaguely, if she squinted hard enough, resembled a goat's head. "Like how even normal girls suffer because they can never reach their full potential. They don't know how good they've got it. If they have so much trouble, then what about invalids like me who can't even live normally?"

There seemed to be a nod somewhere on the shadow's form - she couldn't be sure - and it spoke again, _"A terrible waste of potential indeed. But what if we could fix that?"_

"Right... the wish."

_"Yes, wishes."_

"How do I know you're the real deal, and not say... the devil in disguise, or a trolling genie?"

_"You'll have to take that on faith."_

She shook her head. "Right, that doesn't... doesn't really help. How does it work anyway? Do I sell you my soul? Well obviously that'll make you the devil. But say if it was something like, I get three wishes, then that would make you a genie. But even in the latter case... hmm..." She paused to think, stroking her chin. "Maybe you could introduce me to some of your previous victi- err... customers, and if they look like they're living happy wish-fulfilled lives without regrets, then maybe I'll think about it. Assuming I'm not the first one, of course."

There was a relatively long, awkward silence. Almost as if the voice, or goat, or demon genie, or whatever the heck it was, was thinking over what to say. _"I'll consider it."_

"Oh and... one more thing. What am I supposed to call you anyway? Baphomet, Lucifer, Xenu, Cthulhu?"

_"Cthul... Who..?"_

"Funny... I could have sworn you were much bigger in person. But it fits with the whole dream-infiltration scheme of things, I suppose." She continued to squint.

_"No, I mean, who is 'Cthulhu'?"_

"You could Google it. You know what Google is, right?"

_"Well certainly, but-"_

"Yeah, then you can find the answer to that question yourself." She cleared her throat. "So what do I call you?"

_"You can call me..."_ The shadow shifted slightly, revealing a pair of beady eyes with a faint glow about them,_"Mubey."_

* * *

**AN:** So just what's so special with Petrina? Are the girls right about Mayuri's crypric riddle? How will Coobie handle meeting the team live? Does he have a plan? Who is Mubey? What does he want with our little Homoe? The mystery deepens!


	8. YOU'RE SAYING I INTERRUPTED YOU?

**AN:** So it's been a couple months since my last update, and it's been a hell of a ride so far. But here's the latest chapter for those of you who're still paying attention. Best regards to all my readers who're waiting even if I'm slow to write. Just be sure to read and drop your reviews and tell me what you think! Feedback is always appreciated!

**Disclaimer**: Meduka Meguca is the property of Gen, SHAFT, and Coobie. Hameru has yet to succeed with her hostile takeover.

* * *

**VII: You're Saying I Interrupted You?**

Bebe squealed as she jumped into the cool blue ocean water, wading out to a comfortable depth before starting to splash about. Taking a break before looking for the witch was the best idea ever, and she was so glad that Mami-san and Kyoko-san listened to her suggestion. After all, Uminari was a coastal city well-renowned not just for its hot springs, but its beaches as well.

Indeed, Mami-san was making herself at home on the beach, reclining on a bright yellow chair with an iPod plugged into her ears. Apparently, she was trying to darken herself as, with the protection of tinted sunglasses, she gazed into a tanning mirror. Kyoko-san, meanwhile, was further down the beach, showing some upstart boys the correct way of splitting a watermelon... with a spear.

The little girl submerged and swam about to enjoy the rainbow of corals - particularly the bright yellow ones - and even played with a black sea cucumber with red polka dots. A curious little thing, really. When she surfaced, a most delicious surprise awaited her, as Mayuri-san and Kyubey appeared, hefting perhaps the largest cheesecake she'd ever seen.

"Oh!" She cried as she swam back to shore. "How pleasant of you to join us!"

"We thought you could use a little bit of moral support," Kyubey pointed out as Mayuri began to slice the cheesecake.

"This really is an unexpected surprise..." Bebe nodded to herself.

"One o't crossbeams 's gone out o' skew on't treadle," Mayuri-san pointed out, waving her finger as she served the slice. In the distance, Kyoko-san had managed to not just split the watermelon with the spear, but was somehow able to quarter it with a single stroke.

"What?"

"One o't crossbeams 's gone out o' skew on't treadle!"

"Just ignore her, Bebe," the white rabbit gestured at the fork and knife. "Enjoy your cheesecake. You've earned it."

"Yay!" Bebe pumped her fist and sliced into her cake with a certain dainty elegance that seemed out of place with the fact that she had forked a rather large chunk. Not that this bothered any of them, of course. The little cheese-o-holic shoved the chunk into her mouth and started to chew. "Say..."

"Yes?"

"Why does this taste like shampoo?" It didn't take long before Bebe also noticed that, not only did the cheesecake taste like shampoo, but it was also extremely fibrous for a cheesecake.

"Well, looks like she's at it again," Kyubey muttered, though oddly enough, with Kyoko-san's voice.

"Eh?"

"Ow!" Mayuri-san cried out in Mami-san's voice.

"Ya really should stop coddling her like that," Kyubey continued, as his body abruptly grew into a muscle-bound humanoid shape, and started pulling Bebe's head away from the saucer of cheesecake. Bebe started to choke. "Looks like I'm gonna need to do a Heimlich!"

"D... Don't pull too hard, you might hurt her!" Mayuri-san sounded like she was struggling, even though she just stood there... What was going on here...?

"Oh just wake her up. That'll fix this mess." Kyubey pulled so hard that Bebe's head popped right off. Her neck started spewing cheese-flavoured popcorn.

Bebe gasped, and the cheesecake flew out of her mouth, unfurling into a ball of golden yarn, which spun into a drill... Slowly, she opened her eyes...

"Rise and shine~!" Mami gave the girl a pat as she helped her get up off the bed. The senior was already dressed up, although one of her drills was visibly soaking.

"Huhh... beach..."

"Yeah no," standing to the side, Kyoko was also ready to move out. "Mami's already pouring over twelve grand into this hotel room a night. Last thing we need is to spend even more money!"

Bebe looked up at her with sad puppy dog eyes. "But it was your idea in the first place, Kyoko-san..."

"Well..."

"With that beach shack and seafood?"

The red lancer loosened her collar with a finger, looking aside as though slightly nervous.

"It's okay, Kyoko," Mami smiled as she went to the bathroom to wash her saliva-drenched hair. "The trust fund can handle that."

"So, how much money did they leave you again?" Kyoko raised an eyebrow.

"Enough."

"To splurge on unplanned beach trips?"

"They taught me well, Kyoko." After rinsing off the second application of shampoo, Mami switched on the blow-dryer. "I know enough to take care of my finances. Suffice it to say, I've made so much ROI on my pocket money that I could get a bike in cash if I wanted."

"... how many cc's?"

"That would be telling~" Mami tied up her drill and started to help Bebe get dressed.

"And what's ROI?"

"Financial term," Mami shrugged. "You'll learn it in high school. In any case, what's important is we figure out where to go from here. I suggest we start by recruiting the local girl for help."

"No way," Kyoko crossed her hands. "May and her CoD goons must be halfway here by now. We should find the witch, and kill it fast!"

"We'll find it faster if we have a guide for the local witch hideouts."

"We don't need a damn guide, we've got our soul gems!"

"What if we end up spotting the wrong witch? We can't exactly tell them apart with just our soul gems..."

"There's three of us, and one witch. We kill it fast, and find the next one!"

"We can't exactly predict how long a fight would last. What if something happens and we get delayed?"

Kyoko began to mutter something about a lack of faith in her skills.

"Why don't you just settle it with rock-paper-scissors or something?" Bebe asked, putting on a pink and white polka dotted dress. "That way, we can get past this impasse in a fair manner."

"Ya know that does simplify things somewhat..."

"I'm normally averse to playing a game like this, but if it'll get Kyoko to agree..."

It played out like a western duel, with two gunmen meeting in front of the town hall at high noon, and that haunting whistling tune from _The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly_ playing in the background. The girls squinted as they eyed each other, attempting to both read their opponent's feelings while also concealing their own behind a classic poker face. Bebe sat down on the chair as she finished dressing up.

It all came down to this. The combatants held up their closed fists, in preparation to strike. At the right moment, both swung their arms down and played their hands.

"Scissors!"

"Scissors!"

Playing the referee, Bebe held up her own hand. "Tie! Go again!"

"Heh, I get it... Ya think you can bluff me?" Kyoko smirked. So Mami figured out that she would open with scissors. Not surprising. After all, the sharp pointy object was the closest thing in the game to her spear, while there was no equivalent to a bullet. The next move wouldn't be so predictable. "Not happening, Mami!"

"Paper!"

"Paper!"

"Tie! Go again!"

Mami hummed in deep thought as the second draw tied once more. So she'd made her move. Playing the hand vulnerable to scissors was a reasonable gamble, assuming that the enemy was likely to use rock, as a counter to scissors. It was essentially a counter to a counter of using the same move. "I might not have won yet... but neither have you."

"Rock!"

"Rock!"

"Looks like even in this game, you two are at an impasse," Bebe pursed her lips as she thought. "Maybe we should just flip a-"

"No!" Kyoko shouted. "I'm gonna win this! Just one more! Tie! Go again!"

Mami smiled graciously. "My, aren't you serious..."

"Of course! This is gonna decide where we go next! So let's do it!"

"If you say so."

Steely golden eyes met with burning red eyes as they stared each other down one last time. In a manner of speaking, a rotation had been completed, and the game had been reset. At least, that was how Mami thought of it. With all three choices used once, the odds of picking any of the three were even once more. She wasn't too familiar with statistics, but Mami had a tendency to think things as orderly, or at least impose some idea of order upon them, even something as chaotic as a game of chance. But rock paper scissors wasn't entirely a game of chance. Unlike flipping a coin, there was an element of human psychology involved...

Fists rose into the air, and abruptly dropped as they drew their hands again.

Kyoko smirked as the results became clear. "Rock beats scissors!"

Mami could only smile as a graceful loser would. "Well, it seems you caught me there. It was a simple plan. Perhaps that was its weakness..."

"Ya wanted to tie me again in case I tried using scissors, huh?"

"It _is_ the closest thing to a spear..."

"Meanwhile, ya have the flexibility of having nothing to associate with guns." The redhead snorted.

"In a way..."

"I find your logic valid, and yet questionable at the same time." Bebe scratched her head. "For the love of me I had no idea rock paper scissors had so much strategy in it..."

"Only if ya know your opponent well enough." Kyoko bit into an apple and headed for the door. "So what are we waiting for? Let's go find us that witch!"

There was something refreshing about Uminari. Aside from the pleasant salty sea breeze coming in from the east, there were also the lush green mountains to the west. Make no mistake. It was a modern city, with all the amenities that one would expect, rather then a tiny rural community. There were no little seaside huts. Instead, there was a bustling port. The former were relegated to the beaches, where there were also classical _ryoukan _inns for tourists and those who were well to do. Downtown was filled with all sorts of shops and businesses, offices and banks.

It wasn't as futuristically oriented as Mitakihara and its monolithic glass effigies, but the concrete was no less of a welcoming sight, if only because of the curiosity sparked by the change in environment. Herds of cars and bicycles ran through the streets like any metropolis, and the sidewalks were populated by a crowd of people with their own lives and careers.

Somewhere near a private beach, Kyoko caught a signal on her soul gem. "Well, looks like it's this way." She led the group west, past an inn and towards the mountains.

"We appear to be headed someplace isolated..." Bebe thought out loud. "Why is that?"

"Hell if I know," Kyoko shrugged. "Maybe they go there to commit suicide. It's hard to top jumping off a cliff, ya know."

Mami looked around. To the left, the suburban sprawl dwindled, and to the right was unused real estate, a vast stretch of empty grassy field that would probably be further developed in the future.

Not too far away, amongst the many houses, an elementary school girl with an auburn ponytail enthusiastically dueled with several of her friends in a vicious nerf gun battle. "HAH!"

Mami turned her head in the direction of that loud shout, before shrugging it off and following Kyoko, who had obviously taken the lead. "If I were to make a guess, it would be up there by that shrine."

"Yeah. It's probably the last trace of civilization we'll be finding in this direction."

The trio began to climb the mountain staircase. It wasn't a particularly special-looking shrine. If you'd seen one, then you'd seen most of them. This one in particular was devoted to Ryujin, incidentally enough.

"Well, would ya look at that," Kyoko smirked at the coincidence. "The weird code speak turned out to have a mythological connection after all."

"I wouldn't put it past Sensei to include another level of wordplay in her hint... Though we might also be able to credit coincidence with this one." Mami nodded. "The portal should be close. Soul gem's about to burst."

"Agreed." Bebe began to look around for any sign of a lair entrance, until she found herself standing at the front porch. That was when her soul gem released a burst of orange light. She brushed aside a hanging piece of tapestry. "It's here!" There was no mistaking it. The ornate clock-like symbol, with the hours written in the magical script typically found inside a witch's lair.

"Ya got a good eye, Kid." Kyoko patted the little girl on the head before transforming. "Alright! Let's go wax this witch before you-know-who shows up!"

The three girls jumped into the portal in quick succession, finding themselves in a pastiche of the temple. Understandable. The outer layers of lairs always reflected the outside world to some extent. It would be deeper inside that it would begin to match the witch's true mental landscape. Prayer bead necklaces dressed in Miko costumes danced about in the distance.

"So..." Kyoko raised an eyebrow, pointing at the bizarre spectacle. "Anybody here know enough about Shinto to enlighten me on that?"

"Only what they taught in literature class," Mami said, "If I'm not mistaken, the beads are more Buddhist than Shinto..."

"Well if you guys think that's unusual..." Bebe called out from deeper in the lair, just past the transitional area where the outer world meshed with the inner one. "You should check this place out!"

The two older girls followed on inside, and were greeted by something that resembled a rather uncanny British theatrical production, with steam-powered warships, redcoats, Victorian garden sets with stuffed animals sitting down to tea, and a giant tower looming in the distance that served as a dead ringer for the Palace of Westminster, also known as "that building that Big Ben is connected to".

"Ya know, I get the feeling your teacher would feel right at home in here..." Kyoko looked around for any sign of the witch.

"Somehow, I think the feeling you've got is right." The British-obsessed Mayuri-sensei would certainly feel at home in this British-themed lair.

"Ya think maybe that's why she's put off killing this witch for a year?" The red lancer squinted as she gazed in the direction of the tower. "Cuz she loves the scenery?"

Mami hummed in thought as she picked up and examined an unused teacup from an unoccupied seat at the tea party. She flicked at the cup, which clinked nicely in response. "Well, the quality seems rather similar to her tea set..." The stuffed animal familiars looked up at the blonde, curious at what she was doing.

"So, what, this is where she gets her Ye Olde Englishe furniture?"

"That sounds rather absurd," Mami sat down in the empty chair and quickly found herself startled at the familiarity of the comfort it gave her. It certainly felt like one of Mayuri-sensei's chairs. One of the familiars, a white bear in a baby blue bonnet, poured her a cup of tea. The familiar aroma of Assam filled the air. "Though the more I see, the more convincing that idea becomes..."

"I wouldn't put it past her, if ya ask me."

"It would also be a more sensible reason for her to burn all her furniture," Bebe said as she galloped past on a rocking horse that did more than just rock. "Perhaps she suspected the Imperative might be able to use her furniture to locate the lair."

"You're actually calling them "The Imperative" now?" Kyoko snorted. "I guess it's more convenient than "May and the Goon Squad", which kinda sounds like a band..."

"My first guess on the Imperative's nature is also that it is an organization." Mami said. "On the furniture being traceable to here, she could have given us one to work with if it really could be done. Though with the last remaining ones being her tea sets, she probably doesn't trust us enough to let us have even a saucer."

"Especially after that disaster with your balance training," Kyoko snickered.

"Well, we'll just have to ask her about it when we get back. Right now, we have to find-" Mami's voice drowned in the bang of a loud explosion that came from the direction of the tower.

"Damn! They're here!" Kyoko leapt off towards the structure in the distance, spear drawn and killer instinct set to full. There was no way that Matrix reject was gonna get that witch!

"Kyoko! Wait!" If one thing was certain, it was that Kyoko was as gung-ho as ever. The golden musketeer swung Bebe over her shoulders and bounded off after her partner. If she had a yen for each time this over-aggression got them into trouble, she'd have... Well for this particular adventure, she would still have less than ten yen. Now if she had a thousand yen for each instance of this over-eagerness, then maybe she would have enough to buy a new pack of tea.

"Just you wait, May! I'm gonna... Huh...?" From her vantage point on top of the building - not the clock tower, that would be too high - she could see the most unusual sight. It was, for all intents and purposes, a magical girl in white, sporting fiery wings and an equally fiery sword as she chased the witch around in circles. And the witch? It was this strange creature - now clearly that wouldn't be enough of a description, as all witches were strange. In this case, the witch was essentially a giant clock with blue stained-glass ribbons sticking out of it like tentacles.

These ribbons grasped some unusual objects as they flailed wildly in the air, such as a big red X, a tarnished gold cross, and what looked like a pencil-drawn outline of a harp. These implements swung like crazy as it attempted to get away from the ferocious flaming blonde magical girl.

"You've got to stop that. It's really-"

"Well that's something ya don't see everyday." Kyoko raised an eyebrow as Mami and Bebe landed next to her.

"... That's..."

"... Petrina?" Bebe squinted as she climbed down from Mami's shoulder, trying to get a better look at the scene.

"Ya know... I almost feel sorry for it." Kyoko shook her head.

"I'm more concerned that it just keeps running around instead of trying to defend itself," Mami readied her musket.

"Mayuri-san _did_ say that it was the most pathetic witch she'd ever seen..."

"Laughably pathetic, I might add," Kyoko scratched her head. "It just keeps running around like a scared chicken. That's something familiars do."

"You think she might need help?"

Kyoko rolled her eyes at a question that, to her, had a very obvious answer. "Even if she didn't want it, it's probably for the best if ya did give her a hand. I mean, unless you want us to stand here all day and watch this farce."

"We can't have that!" Bebe frowned. "I already have plans for us to go sightseeing later! Uminari's dessert shops serve some world class cheesecake!"

"Right, _of course_ that's the kind of tourism you'd want." Kyoko sighed. "Personally, I'd rather we went to the beach after-"

Bebe's frown deepened.

"Ahhh, that is, after we get a cheesecake to go," Kyoko hastily added.

The frown turned upside-down.

Mami only giggled. "Well, now that we know what we're going to do after taking care of Petrina, let's give this girl a hand, shall we~?" She put a finger to her temple and began to broadcast her thoughts. Most girls didn't always appreciate being directly assisted, due to an unspoken rule of the seed going to the person who delivered the finishing blow. Indeed, what Mami considered help, most girls considered kill-stealing. She'd learned that long ago. These days, this was how she helped others. _"You might want to try cutting it off at the next turn. The witch appears to be running in a perfect circle. It would only make sense to slice that circle in half."_

Instead of taking her advice, however, the girl's head snapped around, looking straight in Mami's direction. Unexpectedly enraged green eyes glared at the blonde musketeer, who took a step back, confused. The girl stopped chasing the witch and instead turned up the fire on her wings, taking off with a flaming blast and flying at the trio like an angry rocket.

"Jeez, Mami! What'd ya tell her?!" Kyoko crouched and prepared to pounce once the girl entered range. "That her mom was ugly?!"

"Wha- I... no! Of course not!"

Apparently, however, she was too fast to intercept. With a loud roar, the girl slammed blade-first into the shaft of Kyoko's spear. The red lancer braced herself against the impact, which pushed her several metres back despite having planted her feet firmly into the ground. "Then why the hell is she trying to kill us?!"

"E.. Excuse me!" Mami called out to the girl, trying to regain her composure. "We're just trying to-"

"You'll never steal my kill, you witch-nappers!"

"Do I look like a witch-napper to you, ya moron?!" Kyoko snapped back through clenched teeth.

"Like I'd fall for that old trick!" The girl back-flipped onto solid ground, then charged again. "Witch-nappers look like the people you'd least expect!"

Bebe jumped in between the two, arms and legs spread wide. "Stop! We're not the witch-nappers!"

"Then why're you trying to steal my kill?!" The burning mad girl knocked the newbie away with a casual backhand. Bebe flew like a home run ball towards the clock tower.

"Kid!" Kyoko wasn't exactly in any position to move, but she went anyway, ignoring the angry flaming rocket headed straight for her, as she jumped to intercept the wayward Bebe.

Mami slapped some sense back into herself just in time to see the danger her partner had willingly gotten into. Instinctively, she pulled out a musket, willed a certain ammunition type into the barrel, and pulled the trigger. The golden bolt slammed into the angry rocket's left wing, and stuck like gum.

The girl was apparently too focused on Kyoko to even notice, and so Mami fired again. And again. Slowly, the girl lost speed and altitude, until she crashed into the roof, covered in sticky yellow gunk.

Bebe covered her eyes as she neared the tower. This was going to hurt. Well, it would have hurt, had someone not grabbed her out of the air and set her down on her feet.

"You okay, kid?"

She blinked open to see a smiling redhead. Not her usual cocky smirk, but something more genuine and relieved. Even if she still did have that pocky in her mouth. "Y... Yes. Thanks, Kyoko-san..." Bebe bowed.

Kyoko rubbed the back of her neck as she looked aside. "Yeah, well, ya did stick your neck out for me, so it was the least I could do. Besides..."

"Hmm?"

She pointed in the direction of Mami, who now stood over the struggling burning girl. "I've got a very reliable partner."

Bebe stared at the very definitely immobilized angry flaming former-rocket, as she wiggled around like a fly caught in a jar of honey. Mami's aim was impeccable. That girl wasn't going anywhere soon.

"Well, let's go see what they're talking about, eh?"

"Mmm!" The little cheese-o-holic nodded as she let Kyoko lead her by the hand.

"So, you're not here to steal the chicken-witch," was the first thing they heard upon entering earshot. Apparently, in that short amount of time, Mami had managed to calm her down, somewhat. Though apparently, the golden musketeer was not yet convinced it was safe to let her go.

"Hell no," Kyoko blurted out. "We came here to either kill it, or help ya kill it..." She coughed. "Only if ya wanted help with it, though..."

Mami nodded. "Despite the opportunistic tendencies of some, most girls still do respect the Territorial Conventions."

"Yeah, well, you can't blame me for being cautious, you know." The girl snorted. "Kyubey's been broadcasting a warning recently. Said to watch out for a magical girl who's been interrupting fights and stealing witches. Thought you were her."

Mami raised a finger as if to object, but stopped herself. Instead, this came out of her mouth. "... you're saying I interrupted you?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

The golden musketeer was speechless. What kind of girl would accuse you of interrupting her, if all you did was offer some useful advice? One might be able to say you were interrupting someone if you tried to physically assist, but giving advice? Seriously? As she quietly mulled this over, she glanced out of the corner of her eye at the witch, which had apparently realized that it was no longer being chased, and so moved to the centre of the arena, where it... apparently sat down at a garden set to have tea with some of its familiars - separate from the stuffed animals - dressed as the British Palace guards with the fuzzy black hats. Was it relaxing...?

"Well let me be the first to apologize for interfering with your hunt." Mami emphatically put a hand to her chest and bowed. "My name is Mami Tomoe, from Mitakihara, to the west."

"Right." The girl's response was flat, as if to say 'Yeah, I don't care'. Her eyes shifted to the other two. "And these guys?"

"These are my friends," she gestured at the red head, "Kyoko-"

"Partner," Kyoko corrected as she fished out another pocky.

"... yes, partner..." Mami cleared her throat. "And Bebe."

The girl raised her eyebrow. "Mami and Bebe, huh," she snorted. "So is Kyoko the Dadi, or the Nee-san?"

"Uhh... I'm sorry, what?" Mami laughed nervously at the question even as Kyoko rolled her eyes.

"Was a joke," the girl grunted under her binds. "Anyway if you're not gonna steal my witch, can you let me go?"

"Oh, right... Sorry." Mami clapped her hands once and the yellow goo disappeared.

The girl stood up. "Right. Well, since you're all up and introducing yourselves, I suppose it's only fair I do it as well." She dusted herself off. "First, lemme just make it clear that Uminari is _my_ City. Second, I'm Arisa Lowell."

Mami nodded.

"Or as every other magical girl should know me..." Arisa smirked, "Burning Bandit Arisa!" The girl struck a confident fighting pose, sticking her left arm out in front while lowering her stance and holding her burning sword above her head. Somewhere behind her, heretofore unexplained fireworks exploded, one of which accidentally struck the witch's teacup. Petrina ran off in a panic for the next few minutes, before eventually settling down again.

"Wowwwww...!" Bebe clapped fervently, clearly impressed by the display.

A snickering Kyoko whispered into Mami's ear, "Damn, Mami! At least you don't make up stupid code names or fighting poses for yourself, huh?"

"Y... Yeah..." Mami's only reaction was another nervous laugh as a massive sweatdrop formed on the side of her head.

On a more serious note, Kyoko asked the next obvious question. "So why'd ya get burning powers anyway? No wait, lemme guess." She held up her hand as if to stop the girl from answering. "You wished for... the perfect barbecue, or something."

"Aw, Kyoko, are you still hung up on Mayuri-sensei's so-called backyard barbecue?"

The red lancer rubbed the back of her head. "Yeah, I was kinda disappointed she didn't actually cook anything. Some of that furniture seemed to be made of some real nice barbecue wood."

"Ohohoho!" Arisa laughed. Given a few more years, it would actually be able to develop into that refined aristocratic laugh stereotypically associated with ojou. "What do I look like, an airhead? Of course I wished for something more important! A once in a lifetime wish is nothing to waste!"

"Alright then, Bandit-sama," Kyoko smirked, crossing her arms, "We're listening."

Arisa then explained her story at length. She introduced herself as a lover of all things canine, and indeed, she kept at least a dozen dogs at home. Most importantly, was this beautiful park that she and her dogs used to frequent. The key phrase here being "used to". Eventually, some developer or another bulldozed that park and built a giant mall on top of it.

"So... I still don't get what that has to do with fire in your wish." Kyoko said flatly.

"Oh it's really quite simple. I wished for the mall to burn down."

There was a certain stunned silence that permeated the air between and around the three girls. Did they just hear that right?

"At night, of course. When nobody was there."

The silence continued.

"Well the guards were smart enough to escape."

You could hear a pin drop.

"You should have seen it. It was glorious!" There was a certain manic enthusiasm in her voice, which, combined with the sincerity in her tone, told the three girls that, nope, Burning Bandit Arisa Lowell was _not_ pulling their legs. That was her wish... something that sounded much more like a curse than anything else.

Somewhere, in the distance, crickets began to chirp.

"So what are you guys doing here again?"

"Right, we're..." Mami struggled to recall what they were here for, considering the absurd bombshell that had just been dropped on her. Wishing for cheesecake instead of curing your mother's cancer. Fine, that could be seen as a childish mistake. But Arisa was definitely older than Bebe and very likely to be around her and Kyoko's age instead. One would have to shudder at what inhuman thoughts lay behind that innocent-looking mask; what dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty... Mami cleared her throat. "We're here to stop the witch thief from stealing the witch."

"Heh. That's easy enough. Just let me kill the witch. I've been chasing her for weeks, I at least deserve to land the finisher."

"Damn, you're persistent," Kyoko shook her head. "Weeks?"

"She keeps running away, but I've got her cornered now."

"I see..." Mami looked around for signs of this "cornering", eventually finding none. "And... How do you have it cornered, exactly...?"

Arisa smiled. "Oh, it's really simple."

"Uh-huh."

"I've rigged the whole lair, _and_ the shrine outside, to blow up in case it tries to relocate."

Once again, the silence was so thick you could hear the three girls breathing.

"Witch knows that too. That's why it's been staying put instead of packing up and leaving."

More silence.

"For the past few days, I might add."

Mami opened her mouth as she held up a finger, as if to illustrate a point. But no words came out. Apparently she couldn't find anything to say.

"So, what say you guys help out, huh? I mean you were giving me tips and all earlier, but as long as we agree that I get the killing blow, you can soften it up a bit."

"Eh, go ahead," Kyoko put her hands behind her head and reclined into her arms. "You went through all the hard work of trapping it here."

"Heh, yeah, I guess I did," Arisa nodded. "And it's not like this witch is going anywhere, so I've got all the time in the world~"

"Unfortunately, Firefly," a deep modulated voice resounded from behind "Your time just ran out."

The four girls spun around just in time to see Kala closing his pocketwatch. He really seemed to like that pocketwatch. Behind him stood two other squaddies, both carrying light machineguns.

"Oh God, again with the stupid nicknames, Darth Tick-Tock?" Kyoko snarled as she drew her spear. Her two companions whipped out their weapons in short order.

"Look who's talking, Apple Pie," the black soldier teased.

"I told you not to call me that!" the red lancer growled as she lowered into a pouncing position.

Arisa turned to Mami, "So, these guys friends of yours or something?"

Once again, Mami reacted with a nervous laugh. "Actually, they're the witch-nappers."

"Figures." The flaming blonde drew her sword and stepped up to prepare for an attack, "Nobody steals my witch on my watch!"

"Woah, woah, WOAH!" Kyoko swung her spear so that it obstructed Arisa's path. "Get in line, RED Pyro! Captain Cuckoo Clock here owes me a big fat ass-kicking, and I'm here to collect! With interest!"

In one swift motion, Arisa had slipped her blade under the spear shaft and flicked it upwards, before turning to face Kyoko. "_My_ town, _my_ rules!"

"Fine! It's your town, but he's _my_ dead man!" Kyoko flailed. "I fought him first! I should finish it!"

"If you weren't able to finish your fight last time, then too bad!" Arisa stuck her tongue out. "It just means I now have a chance to win where you couldn't!"

"Look, this guy's a pro and can take on magical girls like he's playing CoD or something." Kyoko shrugged and shook her head. "You obviously wanna take him on because you're underestimating his skills."

"Who said anything about underestimating?" Arisa raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you're the one who did and that's why you lost!"

This argument went back and forth without ceasing. In the meantime, Mami and Bebe kept a close watch over Kala, who seemed to have turned his attention to the two of them.

"It takes a lot of skill and ability for a normal human to keep up with a magical girl," Mami started, "Sure, you had numerical superiority last time, but you managed to get out of that fight unscathed. The same can't be said of any witch I've ever fought."

"What're you getting to, Goldilocks?"

"You and your men aren't _entirely_ normal... are you?" She raised her musket and aimed it at the black soldier's head. "May did something to you, enchanted you somehow, perhaps..."

"You will address the Chief as _Janus_," the word spilled out with an overbearing emphasis, almost as if he was insulted by his boss being called by a different name.

So that was it, then. They finally had a name. Janus. Mami's eyes narrowed.

"And so?"

"I've enchanted a rifle before, just to see how it would compare to my own weapons. It was surprisingly just as effective, but here's the catch: it no longer looked like a rifle; more like a super soaker. Which brings me to wonder... what do you look like under that mask?" She pulled back the hammer on her musket.

"Well wouldn't _you_ like to know?" The sarcasm was obvious. Kala whistled a short note.

The battlefield was quickly filled with flying bullets as the two squaddies unleashed a hail of lead from their light machineguns.

Mami grabbed Bebe by the wrist and jumped up the clock tower, which was no doubt the best vantage point for any fight. Her eyes widened as the first thing she saw over the tower ledge was inside the barrel of an anti-materiel rifle... One with a Goon Squaddie at the trigger. Fortunately, it seemed that the sniper was just as startled as she was, since he didn't blow her head off the moment it popped over the ledge. Before he could even think of pulling the trigger, Mami grabbed Bebe's other wrist and spun. The little cheese-lover shouted at the top of her lungs, distracting the sniper even further, as she swung around with the momentum and kicked him off the ledge, the rifle falling soon after.

It was only when the two of them had made it safely to the roof of the tower that Mami's consciousness reined in her instinct. And the first thing on her mind was what had happened to Kyoko and that crazy local girl, Arisa. She peered down at the pair, and much to her surprise and horror, they were _still_ bickering.

"You couldn't dodge a bullet if your life depen-" A familiar black canister rolled in front of Kyoko's feet. Before she could finish yelling "flashbang" and close her eyes, the accursed grenade had already detonated, sending her and Arisa into a blinded, dizzy stupor.

Kala pointed a thumb at the two disoriented girls, signaling his two machine-gunners to open fire on them as he calmly walked towards the witch, which floated off its chair and began to run away again. The black soldier fired three precision shots in quick succession, hurting the witch enough that it fell to the ground, immobile, just as Kyoko and Arisa dropped to the floor, their bodies riddled with bleeding holes.

"IIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Mami's shriek would have pierced the heavens, had it been a blade. Darkness began to gather in her soul gem as her vision filled with red and she pulled out a gigantic cannon, far larger than any Tiro Finale she had ever done before.

Bebe only sat there, catatonic, as her mind tried to process the events that were unfolding before her eyes.

Still shrieking at the top of her lungs, Mami pulled the trigger, sending a blinding golden flash at the two soldiers, who had started to run as soon as they heard the scream. They each held up a riot shield as they ran, perhaps to protect from the blast, but seemed to forget that a shield was useless if it wasn't standing between them and the explosion. Well, it was too late to tell them that. The golden flash slammed into the roof mere feet behind the soldiers, the blast enveloping them just as they turned around and locked their shields together.

It didn't matter.

When the blast subsided, there was nothing left but a gaping hole in the roof, revealing the top floor of the palace building, filled with British theater-styled busybody familiars that were minding their own business.

Mami jumped into the air and started firing wildly at every sign of a black helmet, or a black military-grade weapon, a ring of muskets rotating around her waist with each shot. Familiars and furniture were struck and destroyed, and the various Goon Squad members hiding throughout the lair could do little more than hide behind whatever cover they were using.

"Tch." Kala planted a glowing ball onto the witch and ran for the nearest cover, a barricaded set of furniture behind which hid a heavy weapons trooper. The black soldier grabbed his subordinate's RPG and took aim at the wildly spinning golden musketeer. "It's taps for you, sweet princess."

The rocket sped towards Mami, who was too consumed by her rage to even notice it.

Kala didn't even bother to watch as he took cover again and pulled out his radio. "Chief, this is Kala. Package is secured and ready for pickup." He braced himself for the inevitable explosion... except it didn't come. The black soldier took a peek and immediately understood why. The blast had been contained by a giant bubble, which absorbed even the sound. It was the cheese-o-holic, who had somehow made it all the way back down to the palace roof and had secured the two fallen girls in what could only be described as magical bubble wrap.

"Mami-san! We have to kill the witch! Before the Goons can get away with it!"

Mami didn't hear. She was too busy trying to kill everything that was dressed in black. The glow on the ball attached to the witch grew brighter and brighter.

"Mami-san! Please! Kill the witch now!"

Nothing but continuous gunfire and wailing. To be fair, however, Mami-san was doing a very good job of keeping the Goons behind cover, giving her a great opening. If nobody else could do it, then she would have to do. Bebe jumped off the roof, landing on the ground with a thud, and began to make a run for the witch.

"Stop her!" Kala yelled. Unfortunately, with the storm of golden fire raining from above, the best any Goon could do was take quick potshots before ducking back behind cover. Bebe continued mostly unhindered. "Dammit, Hammer Squad! Stop! That! Brat!"

Someone threw a grenade. Bebe kicked it away, stumbling to her knees as the explosion - still close enough to be felt - knocked her down. She rose again and continued to run, past the potshots, past Kala's angry yelling, under a bright yellow umbrella of sustained musket fire. The witch, writhing on the ground, loomed ahead, the glowing beacon almost blinding by this point.

She was so close.

Bebe raised her trumpet. Sure, she might have been new. She might have been inexperienced. She might have been the weakest link in this party. But so was the witch! If she couldn't kill the weakest witch in history, a witch that had already been further weakened by the enemy, then what good was she? She took a deep breath and prepared to blow.

A figure moved in the corner of her eye. She gripped the trumpet tight and placed her lips to the mouthpiece- too late. Bebe grunted as the wind was knocked out of her lungs. The figure had tackled her to the ground. She tried to get up as quickly as she could, but a swift and hard kick into her stomach made sure she stayed down.

"Don't push your luck, Kitty Cat," Kala's deep voice echoed in her ear. "I might just blow you up if you keep trying too hard."

Bebe looked up just in time to see Kala and the witch disappear into what could only be described as a hole in the world, a literal opening, floating in mid-air, that pulled them up and swallowed them whole before fading out. They'd failed again.

Slowly, she rose up and began to make her way back to the palace, where Mami's wailing had been replaced with frantic name calling. "Kyoko! Kyoko!"

Bebe closed her hands into tight fists. This wasn't over. Not by a long shot...

* * *

**AN**: Yes. Another cliffhanger. I seem to be really bad at that. Well, rest assured that Chapter 8 is already in the works, and will be published within… I guess 60 days of this. So yeah. Don't forget to leave a review! Because I really wanna know what you think! :D


	9. SO WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?

**AN**: So it's been a good few months since my last update, and life's been busy, busy, busy! But I've also been able to sneak in some 8 minutes of writing a day, and let me tell you, when you do it everyday, it tends to build up quite a bit. Thanks a great bunch to my beta Magical girl4, for helping me out with this work!

**Disclaimer**: Meduka Meguca is the property of Gen, SHAFT, and Coobie. CoD is the property of… ah hell, it's not even really Call of Duty, it could be Coobie of Despair for all we know. Or it could even be Cod! But in any case, just to be safe, CoD belongs to Activision. Team Ahnenerbe's blatant crossover characters belong to their own respective series.

* * *

**VIII: SO WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?  
**

Kyoko awoke with a start. It wasn't any particular noise in the room that woke her up. Nor was it any nightmare that assailed her subconscious thought. Rather, it was the dull throbbing of her head that roused her from slumber, the sheer discomfort of this throbbing in between her ears.

It was only after she got past that headache and assessed her surroundings that she indeed noticed a few peculiarities that were out of place. For one, she wasn't in Mami's room. Not that she had stayed in Mami's room in a long time or anything. Nor was she in her room at the church house. Well, why would she be? There was no way she could be there, especially since the fire had burned it down. She wasn't in that cardboard box in an alley where she'd recently spent a couple of nights. Not that it was a welcome sight or anything, but it was better than just collapsing on the sidewalk from exhaustion.

Kyoko hit the last possibility on her checklist of accommodations, and that also turned out wrong: she was definitely not in that hotel room that Mami had rented for the 'team'. Yes, she shrugged as she finally conceded. Maybe they did make a good team, the three of them. Maybe she might consider moving back in if only to keep an eye on that dumb kid and made sure she didn't get into any trouble.

First, she had to figure out whose room this was.

A sweet-scented, if artificial, aroma hung in the air, and the more she sniffed, the more she concluded that it came from the pink-carnations-on-white-background wallpaper. Who would go for such dorky interior design anyway? Next to the pampered, queen-sized bed, stood an oaken end table, polished with care, and on top of that sat a classy, if old-styled spin dial phone that was white and yellow. Or, if her suspicions were right about the financial status of this room's owner, made of gaudy ivory and lined with gold.

She glanced towards the windows, its lime-green drapes hanging over a white frame, showcasing the city skyline in the distance, glittering in the darkness of the night. "Hang on," she muttered. "It's night?" That couldn't be right. The last thing she remembered was entering that lair a couple of hours after breakfast.

On the TV facing the bed, a news report elaborated the latest word on the mysterious disappearance of half a dozen death row inmates from a local prison. It was a 'smart if clichéd escape', according to the police, who discovered a well-hidden escape tunnel, and a literal pile of plastic spoons when they followed it to the exit. Kyoko briefly wondered if those inmates had all watched _Prison Break_ before she idly switched to the Food Channel.

It was at that point that the white, ornately carved door creaked open to reveal Mami carrying a tea set on a tray, her face scrunched up in worry. That bothered expression evaporated as soon as she saw that Kyoko was up.

"Oh, thank God! Kyoko, you're finally awake!"

The blonde senior half-ran to the bed, pushing aside the phone so she could set the tray down on the table and give her partner a hug.

"Hey, hey! Easy!" Kyoko protested. She wasn't exactly one for mushy hugs. Especially not bear hugs that threatened to suffocate her with Mami's marshmallows.

A slight delay of several seconds passed before Mami finally let go and pulled up a seat for herself. "I'm sorry… I just... you've been out for so long, I thought..." She sighed in relief.

Kyoko smirked. "What, did ya think a little afternoon cat nap was too long for me?"

Mami's smile faded away. "Kyoko... It's Monday night. You've been out for the whole long weekend."

In turn, Kyoko's smirk dropped. "... What?"

"It's been more than two days." The look on her face and the sound of her voice were dead serious.

"Get out of here, how could I possibly get knocked out for two whole days?!"

Mami scratched the side of her head as if trying to figure out how to say it. "… Kala shot you full of holes."

Kyoko raised an eyebrow. "Okay, seriously. I can take a joke about being out for two days, but are ya sayin' Darth Tick-Tock actually turned me into Swiss cheese?"

"You were kind of distracted..."

"No, see, I totally wasn't. I was in fact, just telling that dumb bitch Arisa to get her own rival."

"It sure took you a while to tell her that." Mami frowned. "Frankly, I was surprised you were still standing by the time they shot you."

"Makes ya wonder who's dumber, huh. The ones arguing in the middle of a big brawl, or the ones who could've shot us a long time ago but didn't."

"They did, though."

"Yeah, yeah, but I'm not dead, am I?"

"After they were through with you," Mami bowed her head to hide the fact that tears were beginning to well up in her eyes, "I was pretty sure you were..." Feeling a hand on her shoulder, she looked up at Kyoko's toothy grin. It somehow felt reassuring to see her with such a broad smile on her face, despite the bandages wrapped around her. Kyoko's forehead, chest, arms, and other vital areas were covered in the thick cloth, tainted with dried bloodstains. Mami had actually come here to change the dressings on Kyoko's wounds, although Arisa apparently had enough experience in being shot to tell Mami confidently that it wouldn't be necessary after a couple of days.

"And I probably woulda died too," Kyoko conceded, as she noticed all the bandages covering her. Were it not for these bloody pieces of evidence, she would've laughed at Mami by now. These days, though, it was hard to tell. Ever since making her contract, she seemed to have gained a supernatural ability to shrug off all but the biggest injuries as a little stiffness. If anything, that was one of the perks of being a magical girl, "If a certain dumb blonde hadn't saved my ass."

It was Mami's turn to smile. "I'm just so glad you're okay. It was just..."

"Heeyyy! I helped too!" A familiar if sleepy little voice almost squealed.

It wasn't the suddenness of the protest that unnerved Kyoko, but the fact that it was practically right next to her. She snapped her head in the direction of the sound and pulled the white sheets off, revealing a groggy Bebe in pyjamas snuggled up to her side, rubbing the sand out of her eyes.

"W... What the..."

Mami giggled. "She was just as worried as me. Bebe hasn't moved from that spot the whole time, not even to eat!"

"Not entirely accurate," Bebe shook her head. "I'd move when I went to use the bathroo-..." She yawned. "If you'll excuse me, I shall resume slumbering..." And just like that, little Bebe snuggled back into Kyoko's bandaged side and returned to the land of dreams.

"I can move her out, if you-"

"Shhhh…" Kyoko put a finger to her lips, gently hushing the suggestion. "The kid can stay if she wants. She seems to think these bandages smell like cheese or something. I doubt you'll get her off me so easy." Kyoko chuckled. It might not have been the most accurate thing to say. She wasn't chewing on the bandages, after all. Cheese seemed to represent whatever she liked these days, though, so it was a forgivable mistake.

"You're right." Mami nodded, thinking to herself. "So, maybe you should lie back down and get some more rest."

"Nah, I'm good." Kyoko stretched her arms out to the side, twisting to the left and right; not too vigorously, but not quite sluggishly either. "I say we get going and raid May's hideout. Who knows what she's doing with that Tea Witch?"

"We're in no condition to do that." Mami shook her head. "Our stashes are all used up, and I had to make a deal with Arisa to get seeds from hers."

"I thought ya said you had spares."

"I did, yes," The senior nodded, eyebrows furrowing as she went deeper into thought, "But that last fight... I..."

"Yeah…?" Where was she going with this, exactly?

"After seeing them gun you down, I just... snapped..."

Well, that was touching, in a weird sort of way. Kyoko quietly listened.

"When I came to, my Soul Gem was almost completely dirty, and I had to use my last spares."

"On one soul gem…?" Kyoko raised an eyebrow.

"On four."

"… Ya make it sound like I didn't have a stash."

"Your spare was almost fully darkened." Kyoko tried to protest, but Mami raised a hand to stop her. "You were hiding this from me, weren't you?"

"Hiding what?"

"You've spent this whole time obsessively going after May. You never took any time to hunt down other Witches to refill your stash. How long have you been searching before we met again?"

"... Less than two days..." Like the proverbial kid with her hand in the cookie jar, Kyoko coughed, hoping it would lessen the embarrassment of getting caught red handed. "She stole my Witch. It was supposed to be my next fresh seed." As if that would help her case...

"You could have gotten at least one more in that amount of time."

"How was I supposed to know it would last this long?" Kyoko defensively raised her hands. "I mean she just looked like some Matrix reject, not a final boss type!"

"You don't read too much, do you?"

"Ya mean 'watch,' right?"

"No. Read, trashy fiction."

"... No. Why would I read trashy fiction?"

Mami sighed, shaking her head like a teacher disappointed in her student's plebeian ignorance. "Overpowered characters dressed up like "Matrix rejects," whether the protagonist or antagonist, are a hallmark of trashy, poorly written fiction... particularly bad **fan**fiction."

"Uh-huh." Kyoko wasn't particularly buying it, but she was starting to get the idea. "So you're saying this whole thing's right out of a bad fanfiction plot."

"Eerily so," Mami crossed her arms as she tried to assess the situation in this new light. "On the one hand, reality doesn't necessarily follow fiction, particularly bad fanfiction. On the other hand, truth tends to be a lot stranger than fiction."

"Like vampire bat saliva containing some stuff that can help treat strokes?"

"... You've read that one?"

Kyoko shrugged. "Sometimes I browse random trivia, but yeah, I get what ya mean."

"So, yes, whether or not it follows a badly written story, we have to be careful with how we go about it."

Kyoko's stomach grumbled. "... Yeah, that sounds like I haven't eaten in two days, alright. This place have any grub?"

Mami checked her watch. "It should be dinner time soon," She smiled, "And knowing you, I'm glad we ended up here and not somewhere else."

Kyoko raised an eyebrow. "Eh?"

"You'll see." Mami stood up and held out her hand. "Can you get up?"

Kyoko took the hand and tried to get up. A certain weight kept her on the bed, though. The red lancer smirked, "As soon as we get the kid off."

The task proved somewhat challenging, as Bebe had already established her talent for being subconsciously clingy to anything (or anyone) that she mistook for any kind of cheese. The two finally managed to dislodge her from Kyoko's side by slipping a large stuffed duck in between. This method was surprisingly effective, perhaps because the duck was a healthy shade of cheddar yellow. Could Bebe smell colours, then? That was a mystery for another time.

After waiting surprisingly patiently as Mami changed her bandages, Kyoko quickly got dressed, and followed the former outside, but not before switching off the TV. The hallway that greeted her was spacious. Smooth red carpeting lined the floor while the walls were more conservatively designed, with plain off-white wall-paper that emphasized the carpet as a sort of runway. To the sides stood the occasional flower vase on a table, or hung a painting of variable size. One thing she noticed was the prevalence of dogs in each painting. Indeed, she could easily make out the faint barking of at least two dogs somewhere down the hall.

The pair reached the grand staircase, the kind that had two landings splitting from the second floor then met halfway down to form a small square mezzanine, before continuing down to the first floor. The carpet ran down both flights and merged into the mezzanine rug, and carried on down to the ground floor. At the foot of the stairs barked a black Scottish terrier, its tail vigorously wagging as it waited for the two girls to descend the stairs.

"I'm guessing this is Arisa's place. Kinda surprised she took us in after that fiasco."

"It was closer than our hotel, and we had to patch you two up fast. Hadn't thought of bringing first aid either, so it was also better equipped."

"So now she probably owes you one, huh?" Kyoko chuckled as the terrier barked and ran around in a circle in front of her, before leading the way to... somewhere. As they followed, the sounds of different types of barks filled the air, from the yapping of presumably tiny mutts, to the powerful near-roars of much larger breeds.

"Considering the hospitality we've had the past couple of days, we might be even."

"Pshh, now you're just being too modest. She owes ya one, and she knows it. A couple days of sleeping over is nothing compared to savin' her ass."

"Perhaps…"

Kyoko and Mami followed the dog into the vast dining room, the centrepiece of which was a very long table draped in white. It was here that Arisa's canine adoration became truly evident, as dogs from many different breeds lined both sides of the table, barking up a storm like a bunch of rowdy hungry children who couldn't wait to get their food.

Arisa sat at the head, and having spotted her guests entering, stood up and cleared her throat to get her pets' attention. "BE QUIET!"

Her sudden outburst reverberated throughout the dining hall, immediately silencing all but a persistent little Chihuahua that sat on the floor by her feet. A flaming glare in its direction quickly fixed that problem.

"Our guests are now here, so I expect you all to be on your best behaviour!" She turned to the two girls with a smile. "So I see Kyoko's finally awake, huh? How did you like your room?"

"Haven't slept that long in ages," Kyoko shrugged. "I think it might be too soft... too comfy, gets my guard down fast."

Arisa's smile widened. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"As for your joint, I can see why ya wished for that mall fire. You really love dogs, huh?"

"Precisely, now come! Mami says you've got one hell of an appetite, so I've been having the servants prepare extra food since you two arrived, in case you suddenly got up."

"Heh… Well if that ain't considerate." Kyoko smirked as Mami led her down to the head of the table. "So we're sitting right next to ya, is that it?"

"Honoured guests should have seats of honour." Arisa nodded. "You're going to love what we have tonight."

With two claps of her hands, a staff of maids and butlers filed into the room, carrying with them several courses' worth of human food, followed by generous helpings of quality dog food for the canine diners. Colourful salads, rich soups, and a variety of several protein-centered main courses slowly piled up on the table before the girls.

Kyoko gulped as she tried to keep herself under control, wiping away some drool that had started to leak down her chin. Mami only giggled.

"Well don't just stare at it, ladies," Arisa huffed. "Bon Appetit!"

"Itadakimasu!" Kyoko released the famished girl within, quickly stacking food on her plate with the precision of a bricklayer. Not a morsel fell to the table despite the towers of dinner courses that she had built. Her magnificent effigy complete, the girl began to tear it back down slowly. She was ravenous but careful not to waste any of this dinner.

Mami and Arisa, in the meantime, took more moderate portions and began to eat as well.

"You know, from those stories, I never had you pegged as someone who eats carefully." Arisa stared in amazement as she had a spoonful of pumpkin soup.

"If there's one thing ya should never do while I'm around," Kyoko took a big bite of some roast chicken, "It's to waste good food. Ya never know when you might go hungry, so be sure every last bit goes down the hatch."

"You don't say..."

"The rich might be able to afford to squander their provisions," she finished the chicken and moved on to a hefty cut of steak, "But try living on sparse donations, or even out in the street, for a few years. It's a real eye-opener."

"I think you've got the wrong idea," Arisa sipped from her glass of orange juice, mildly annoyed. "I am well aware of the sacrifices my parents have made to get us this far. Is it so wrong to share the fruits of their labour with my guests? Fruits that would rot if stored away for too long?"

Kyoko feigned coughing and drank some of her own juice, "Fair enough."

Mami cleared her throat in between bites of the seafood salad. "In any case, I believe it would be more appropriate if we discussed our next move, wouldn't you say?"

"Agreed."

"Yeah, I told Mami this already, but the next move is obvious. We head back to Mitakihara, bust up the Imperative base, and take our witches back!"

Mami sighed, "And I already told you that if they were still... Umm... alive... my soul gem would have picked them up."

"Grief Seeds, then."

"Look, Kyoko, the point is, we can't take them on their home turf as we are right now." Mami wiped her mouth with a napkin and helped herself to some salmon steak. "There's three of us and over half a dozen of them."

"Yeah, and most of them are just regular CoD goons."

"Boosted by Janus' magic."

Kyoko stopped to take in what Mami had just pointed out. "... Her name is _Janus_?"

"That's what Kala says she goes by, at any rate." Mami took a sip of her juice. "Yes, I understand we've gotten used to calling her May, but it would only be fair to call her by her actual name."

"While Darth Tick-Tock calls us Apple Pie, Goldilocks, and Firefly?"

Mami sighed again. "You can keep calling him Darth Tick-Tock if you like."

"Hell yeah!"

"Firefly _is_ kind of catchy," Arisa muttered, "But it's not my style. Anyway, I've decided."

"Decided what, exactly?" Kyoko next attacked a whole ham leg.

"I'm helping you guys out!" Arisa crossed her arms and nodded to herself as if declaring the finality of this decision. "They attacked my territory. That's unacceptable!"

Mami blinked in surprise. "Are you saying you're coming back with us?"

"I still have some preparations to make, so no." Arisa sliced into her sea bream fillet and took a bite. "I'll be following soon, though. For now, just make yourselves at home, and enjoy our next course, dessert!"

"So what's for dessert?" Kyoko licked her lips in anticipation of the sweets, preferably including apples.

Before Arisa could clap her hands and summon the servants, however, all the dogs at the table stopped eating their food and started angrily barking at the doorway.

The trio turned their attention in that direction, and saw a large golden retriever saunter into the dining hall, holding some sort of white stuffed animal by the head in its mouth. Kyoko raised an eyebrow as she looked on at the sight. Mami's eyes grew wide in aghast as the dog leapt up to the table and drew nearer, its prey becoming more recognizable.

"Ah, Buddy," Arisa smiled, welcoming it home. "There you are!"

Buddy whined like a kid who missed his mom and with a grunt, dropped the white stuffed toy on an empty platter in the middle of the table.

"I... Is that..." Mami continued to stare on as the 'toy' sat up and began to groom itself.

Kyoko snickered. "Yeah, looks like it is..."

"Must we always meet this way, Arisa?" Kyubey said as he licked his paws.

"I think it's a convenient way to meet, don't you think?" Arisa said, the singsong tone of her voice implying she got a kick out of the matter.

"I think it's a hilarious way to meet," Kyoko continued snickering.

"Ah, Mami and Kyoko," the white rabbit-cat-thing nodded in acknowledgement of the two. "I see that you've made it this far in your quest. Mayuri sends her regards."

"Much obliged," Mami bowed. Kyoko only grunted and shrugged.

"So what brings you here today, Kyubey?" Arisa asked, "It's not the usual day to pick up my spent grief seeds."

"I'm here today for Mami and Kyoko," Kyubey said in his usual matter-of-factly tone as he swept his ears back. "Ladies, while you were gone, it appears our witch-napper has struck again. There is now a total of ten witches missing from the area of Mitakihara and surrounding cities. She certainly has been busy, don't you think?"

"The loop is closed now, though..." Mami pointed out as she stroked her chin in thought. "Have they started a new loop, or..."

"Based on our analysis, the pattern is the same, with the same centre; it just appears to be forming a second loop outside the first one."

"Like a bullseye?" Mami fished a pen from her pocket and drew what looked like a bullseye, "Or a spiral?" Next to it, she drew a swirl.

"More a concentric circle, considering the closed loop, but we can't discount a spiral pattern either."

"Does it really matter that the hell they're trying to draw on some map?" Kyoko threw her hands up in the air. "What's important is that each dot on that map is a missing witch!"

"Much as I'd like to further analyse the pattern, Kyoko's right. Each dot is a missing witch and a starving girl."

"You do realize that the victims are usually compensated with a free Grief Seed, right?" Kyubey said. "Though where they get all these Grief Seeds to spare is... a very tedious mystery. There has to be a state of equilibrium in a closed system, and this injection of "free" Grief Seeds... It makes no sense unless they aren't really free. They have to come from somewhere."

"So if you're done with your techno-blabbering, can we all just agree on the point that we need to go back to Mitakihara and _bust some heads_?"

"Like I said," Mami repeated with a firmer tone, "We don't have the numbers to win against Janus' magically-enhanced 'CoD goons.'" _Great, now even I'm saying it_. Mami rolled her eyes.

"On the subject of CoD," Kyubey resumed grooming his fur. There was a lot of Buddy's saliva to get rid of. "After repeated play, I find it to be a strange curiosity. Is it a simulation to train next generation of special forces?"

"You're really taking that 'research' of yours very seriously, huh?" Kyoko said between snickers. "Some people just wanna play with guns and blow up other people without having to be called terrorists."

"For the most part, however, it appears as though many of the players I interact with see it as some sort of competitive sport, or even club activity."

"That's all well and good, but does it actually tell you anything about the 'CoD goons'?" Mami tried to steer the conversation back to her point. "Do they actually play like CoD, or...?"

"Depending on the player's temperament, they can be anything from silent executioners focused on nothing but scoring kills and minimizing deaths, to boisterous braggarts who love using loud and destructive weapons to rub their 'frags' in their victims' faces. This is understandable, as the game includes everything from neophytes to seasoned professionals."

"So in short, we can't definitively say what "playing like CoD" means, is that it?"

"Precisely," The white rabbit cat nodded with certain finality. "For all we know, they might be actual special forces, rather than CoD players."

"And ya still have no idea who she is so you could, I dunno, spy on her?"

"Believe me, I've tried. However, I can't seem to get past those security cameras with mounted firearms."

"... Security cameras with guns...?" Mami stared at Kyubey, incredulous. "They installed security cameras with _guns_ at our school?"

"In a secret area constructed beneath the basement, yes…" Kyubey licked his paws. "I was actually surprised that they could see me at all. Usually, only contracted girls or prospects can see me…"

"Have ya tried sneaking by with a cardboard box?" Kyoko snickered.

"I see no logic in using a cardboard box as cover. If anything, seeing an inanimate object moving implies that something is hiding beneath it."

"Naw, naw that means you're not usin' yer imagination!" Kyoko gave the rat a noogie. "Only move the box when the camera ain't lookin' at ya!"

"The guard will find it suspicious that a box that was there before is now missing."

"Then try somethin' else, like putting an ero poster on it."

"I'm sorry, a what poster?"

"An ero poster… That's a sure way to distract 'em with a box."

"And where do I find these 'ero posters'?"

"C'mon, I told ya this already last time. Ya gotta use Google!"

To the side, Mami just shook her head as the conversation went completely out of control. "Guys, it's nice that you're planning to sneak past the security cameras and all, but you're all jumping the gun." Never mind that they were considering something as dirty as putting dirty posters on a cardboard box in a hare-brained "technique" to distract the cameras, "We still have to consider the threat of Kala's special troops."

"I'm still surprised that they could fight against Magical Girls," Arisa said, clapping to signal the entry of the dessert. Fruits, pies, cakes, cookies, and custards were served, "They're not ordinary soldiers, that's for sure. Still, I think that once my preparations are done, I can tag along."

"Yes, but that still only leaves four of us."

"Four ain't enough?" Kyoko immediately swiped an apple from the fruit bowl and began to munch on it.

"It's going to take three solid fighters to bring Janus down for real. Kala fares extremely well one-on-one with a magical girl. That's four already, and Bebe is definitely not qualified to fight him."

"Well what're ya suggesting we do, huh?" Kyoko took another bite of the apple.

"Our first step is to accurately assess the Imperative's troop strength," Mami said, "We need to find out how many there are before we can even think of doing something as crazy as assaulting their base directly."

"So what have we gotta do then?"

Mami smiled. "I think I might have an idea. But if we're going to do this right, we'll need Arisa-san's immediate help."

Arisa sighed. "Fine, fine, I can come back and make my preparations _after_ helping you out with this. I just hope I don't regret agreeing to your terms."

"Ya really are kinda persuasive, ain'tcha, Mami?"

The senior only giggled. It was time to plan.

* * *

_'I'm not sure this is going to work...'_ Miyuki stood outside the unassuming Japanese house's gate, almost trembling with embarrassment, if not anxiety. The very idea of pretending to be Kyubey sounded like something out of a goofy family film pulled inside out and slapped around for good measure. The doe-eyed girl swallowed a lump in her throat as she tried to fight the uncomfortable sensation of butterflies dancing wildly in her stomach. Her shaky hand rose up to press the doorbell, taking its sweet time as if it were about to touch a dangerous animal.

_'Of course, it'll work out!'_ On her shoulder sat a white rabbit cat thing, mentally speaking with all the confidence of a seasoned con artist reassuring his victim that their snake oil product worked. _'All you have to do is follow my cues and say what I say. You'll be acting like me in no time, I assure you.'_

The doorbell chimed in as Miyuki's finger finally made contact with the button. Her hand recoiled away as though that dangerous animal had bitten her for poking it. The girl squeaked as she ducked her head behind raised fists. _'I... If you say so...'_

_'Trust me, Miyuki. You can do this.' _Sometimes, Kyubey wondered how this girl actually managed to survive fighting witches for this long. Despite the odds, her sheepish demeanour, and that one little scrape some months back where Kyoko helped her out in exchange for a favour, she was actually a more than half-decent fighter. She just needed to be more confident in her abilities, and... Actually, no, the best strategy for this one was to draw out her insecurity for as long as possible, perhaps allowing it to climax with an unbelievable terror. The resulting Grief Seed would have a very subtle output, but one would not be able to question its longevity, as far as energy production was concerned. Perhaps if she were lucky enough, she would make it to veteran status - at least a year in - before the inevitability of despair set in.

It did become rather interesting that she ended up serving as his proxy once again. Was it so unusual, though? He could feel her anxiety. This might not have been fighting a witch, but her social awkwardness and the forced situation were perfect for building up her fears. Miyuki would make a fine witch indeed. The Shy Witch, perhaps? Or the Shut-In Witch? Something like that...

"Just a sec!" A familiar loud voice called up from somewhere inside the house, closer to the second floor than the ground floor.

Miyuki took a deep breath and straightened her posture to be something more fitting of Kyubey's image as a stoic, if affable, individual. This almost fell apart; however, as the door abruptly swung open to reveal a girl with short blue hair and an energetic disposition. Miyuki almost stumbled back.

"Heya! So you must be, uh..."

Miyuki cleared her throat and spoke, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. "QB, I'm finally glad to meet you in person..."

_'Sayaka.'_

"Sayaka!" Miyuki held out her hand for a shake.

The blue-haired girl obliged. "Almost everyone's here," she pointed a thumb inside with a wide smile. "C'mon!"

Miyuki followed the girl inside, each step requiring her utmost efforts to not break down into her usual self.

Sayaka led the pair down the hall and upstairs, which led to a spacious mezzanine living room, where several people were already staying, evidently waiting for them to arrive. "Guys," she called out, "I've got Cubes!"

Miyuki was greeted by the rest of the team, among them a girl with long green hair and a certain upper crust poise, a girl in an auburn ponytail, and a high school senior wearing exaggeratedly sharp red sunglasses - _Pawncher_, _Nano_, and _whothehell_, respectively.

Sitting at a table surrounded by three couches, a blonde in twin tails waved at Miyuki before returning her focus to the thick stack of homework sitting in front of her. Sailor… No doubt. Standing next to her, like a proctor watching for a student to start cheating on her test, was an unnervingly quiet girl with long dark hair and rimless eyeglasses, who only looked up and glared.

Miyuki gulped. The girl didn't even nod. She glared. Still, Kyubey apparently saw it as appropriate to greet her, as she found herself walking up to this girl and reaching out with an open hand. "_Groundhog_, I presume?"

'_How do you know she's not Cheif or d00m?' _Miyuki asked the white rabbit-cat.

'_While those two are quiet, they're at least friendly_,' Kyubey answered in his usual matter-of-fact tone. This one is just aloof.

Groundhog stared at the outstretched hand, regarding it as something more to be studied rather than shaken. She nodded curtly, before turning her attention back to _Sailor_. "No, you're looking for the circumference, not the diameter."

"Oh!" The blonde nervously laughed. "My bad, I had a feeling something wasn't right..."

Miyuki almost jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder - the one where Kyubey wasn't perched. She turned around to see _Nano_ smiling.

"You'll get used to her... IRL, I mean," The girl chuckled. "Glad you could make it though, Q." _Nano_ sat on the couch across the table from _Sailor_ and offered Miyuki the spot beside her. "Not everybody could come by today. _Cheif_, _d00m_, _Chu_... They're off being busy with grown-up stuff. 7 out of 10 isn't so bad though, right?"

Miyuki nodded. "Yes," she looked at Sayaka and _Pawncher_ giggling as they went through a teen magazine, "I believe that is an apt score." _Whothehell_, meanwhile, sat in front of the TV and played some XBox game or another, apparently about mecha. "However, it seems that the only person who actually has any homework is _Sailor_."

Nano smirked. "Well, we're all good students here. _Sailor_ just needs a little bit of help with hers."

"So you're all done?"

"Yes... And no…" _Nano_ laughed as she stretched out and helped herself to one of the snacks on the table.

"I don't quite understand what you mean." Kyubey's speech was an odd challenge to replicate. It sometimes bordered on unnecessarily complicated. For example, in this case, a simple "Huh?" would have sufficed. Still, Miyuki did her best to repeat what he spoke into her head.

"We're helping _Sailor_ with last week's homework," explained Ahnenerbe's unofficial leader, "We'll start with this week's once she's done." She glanced across the table. "Though, I gotta hand it to _Groundhog_. She's rendered most of us obsolete when it comes to tutoring. It's like she's gone through last week's homework a hundred times already or something."

"Is that an exaggeration, or do you mean that literally?" That statement was more from Miyuki than the white rabbit, though the sentiment was clearly a shared one.

"I can't be sure if it's one or the other, honestly. When she showed up after lunch time, she literally took out a sheet of paper, wrote down a bunch of answers, and then almost as if she just remembered, that was when she took out her workbook. It was really weird..." Nano snorted. "Then again, given her handle, maybe this is her hundredth time doing last week's homework."

"That kind of sounds crazy, though," Miyuki stared at the not-so-tall, if dark, and certainly pretty girl as the latter continued to help _Sailor_ out with Geometry. "I mean, how would she even be able to do something like that?"

"Good question." _Nano_ nodded. "Don't you just wish you knew the answer to that?" A smirk crept up the side of her mouth.

"Eh?" Miyuki's utter confusion at the strange emphasis caused _Nano_ to raise an eyebrow. It took a couple of seconds for Kyubey's parrot guide to sink in. "Ah! That is to say, yes! That was very clever!" She chuckled, somewhat nervously. "You caught me completely off guard."

"Rriight..." _Nano_ scratched her head. "So anyway, Q," she cleared her throat. "What is it with you and trying to find out what other people would wish for anyway? Are you secretly a billionaire looking for people to give freebies to?"

"Nooooot, exactly..."

"So you've got something to offer, but not necessarily through the power of money." Nano hummed to herself as she tried to figure this girl out.

"Hey, hey!" Sayaka waved from her side of the room. "Ya know, I just kinda noticed. Is it just me, or does Cubes sound a lot like a popular seiyuu?"

_Nano_ snapped out of her deep thought at the comment, laughing aloud. "Yeah, now that you mention it, she does sound like she'd fit in one anime or another..." She went back to thinking, only this time, trying to figure out who Miyuki sounded like.

"No duh, she obviously sounds like Emiri Kitamura!" Sayaka threw up her hands as she blurted out what to her was the most obvious answer.

"Katou, Saya-chan," _Pawncher_ nudged her friend, albeit neither to the tummy nor with a punch. "It's Katou."

"Well yeah, that's what I said! Eri Katou!" The blue-haired girl rolled her eyes and tried to save face as _Pawncher_ shook her head in resignation that her friend still didn't get the name right.

Miyuki had to wonder how embarrassed Sayaka felt right about now. However it was, she was confident that Sayaka didn't feel like she rocked at the moment.

"You sly dog," _Nano_ teased, a confident smirk now on her face. "I think I got it now."

"Y... You do?" Miyuki's eyes visibly widened much like those of a deer caught in the headlights.

"Mhm!" A cheery nod preceded Nano's conclusion. "You're from the Tokyo League and you're scouting us out for potential!"

If only Miyuki didn't have to stay awake pretending to be Kyubey, she would have fainted in relief at this mistaken declaration. "N... Not really..."

"So you're not from the Tokyo League?" _Nano_ sighed, somewhat disappointed. "Oh well. I guess we'll have to figure out what your angle is later." Her gaze shifted to the table, where _Sailor_ finally finished with her homework, bowing repeatedly in gratitude at _Groundhog_. "For now, it's time to do this week's homework!" _Nano_ raised her fist, "Everybody ready to get this done?"

The lack of enthusiasm in the response in all but _Pawncher_ said everything that had to be said about most of this lot, though _Groundhog_ merely nodded, so that might not have counted towards the general attitude.

"Gimme a bit more," _Whothehell_ said offhand, eyes (sunglasses, rather) focused on the TV screen as his fingers flew masterfully over the controller. "I'm this close to beating Lord G- AWWW HELL NO!" A large, obnoxious 'Game Over' appeared onscreen.

"That's the system's way of telling you that it's time to do our homework, Senpai." _Pawncher_ gave the senior a pat on the head.

The high schooler angrily chucked the controller at the TV, missing by a few inches and hitting the wall instead. "DAMMIT! FINE! Let's do this so I can reload sooner." Muttering various expressions of indignation, he stood up and trudged over to the table.

Miyuki breathed a sigh of relief as the attention shifted away from her, and to this week's homework. Neither she nor Kyubey had been informed about doing this week's homework here, however, and as such, she had already done hers a while back. Still, at the very least, she could try to be helpful and give tips as well.

"And don't forget, guys!" _Nano_ zipped her bag open and pulled out her own homework. "Once we're done here, we're heading straight to the game centre to LAN up! So let's do our best!"

The response was a lot more enthusiastic this time. Except for _Groundhog_, who merely nodded and began to do her homework with her eyes closed, and Miyuki, who began to realize the implications of finishing sooner: That she would also have to pretend to be Kyubey while playing CoD.

'_Relax, Miyuki_,' said the little white voice on her shoulder. '_You're doing great. Once we start playing, all you have to do is pretend to play. I'll handle the controls.'_

"If you say so," she mumbled in response. Her hand snapped up to cover her mouth, albeit too late. The words had already escaped.

"Huh?" _Nano_ turned to face her. "Who says so?"

"Ah, nobody!" Miyuki frantically waved it off, laughing nervously. "Nobody… Just talking to myself..."

"Jeez, Cubes, you're really weird, y'know that?" Sayaka laughed along with her.

Miyuki calmed down and looked across the table. She only saw it for a split second before her eyes darted away, but she was sure of it. _Groundhog's_ gaze was centred on her, focused as if trying to pierce her soul. This was very uncomfortable.

What kind of trouble did she get herself into this time?

* * *

**AN: **How will these girls infiltrate the Imperative base? Will Kyubey take Kyoko's advice and use a cardboard box? Will Miyuki be able to play CoD without suffering from a nervous breakdown? Find out next time!


End file.
